Bitter-Sweet...

I am getting mightily obsessed by our website. Night 1 PM, I discover one inconsistency which can very well wait till the next morning, when I can ask my researcher to look into it, but I debate whether to defer it till then, I write a draft mail jotting down the issues, which might serve as a reminder, and then I lose control and jump into making the code changes myself right away...

I always knew I am a narcissist but I never knew I am this bad. There is an entire block dedicated to me, which you might call an eulogy (if eulogies are ever self written)..and I'd spend hours reading it and looking at my accompanying photo. Much like if you take Talking Tom to the wardrobe section, he looks at himself and keeps exclaiming...

I had to go one more time to the bank. The stupid guy (my prospective groom) was so obsessed with my birthday, that he put it in the place of my dad's birthday. I was checking out the FD interest and it won't give me the senior citizen rate. I was furious with the guy for making me lose one day's interest. I stormed into the bank the next day (after again having a shouting marathon at my poor dad) and the manager fixed things up. Thank God the guy was not around this time, else I'd have killed him.

I am almost set upon buying the car, but thing is, I hardly have a lakh or so of liquid cash, rest all are invested. So I have to go for a car loan. This is the first time I am going for a loan and I hate it. But at the same time I am happy that I am not touching my savings. Either I wait another year to save enough money to buy a car, or I pay up a little bit of interest. I choose to do the latter, but I must get the car. I know it is like taking an elephant for a pet, but well...I have to, if I don't do this much for myself, there's no point being a narcissist you see.

I quarreled at home today. 'Welcome' is one of my all time favorite movies because the utter nonsense makes me laugh like crazy and I can take life easy. I wanted to show it to dad. At the same time this musical reality show comes up and I dismissed it - anyways they were having fusion folk today, which is really not my cup of tea. Mom was unhappy but didn't say anything, but gran started shouting. I was so utterly amazed at her selfishness, that as soon as dad decided to change the channel and tuned it to the music program, I just came upstairs and locked myself in my room. I fidgeted a bit, played Candy Crush (the other day I saw Boo's tagline in Whatsapp saying he hates Candy Crush, and I resumed playing it after ages - now don't ask me the reason), did changes to the site, checked my mails, and started  writing this entry, but still my anger hasn't come down. How could she shout man? "Close the door of my room then, if you have decided to watch this trash - this stuff you watch all the time...", and I was not even watching it...I just wanted dad to watch the movie and have fun. It is good that I am not getting married, if I have so much conflict with my family, then what would happen with an unknown person? I guess the best way to enjoy life is to be happy and contented with yourself.

How I wish I could advertise my website. Built it in a month or so, with only two junior members, one of whom is from the English department and could only help with the content. However, as I always say, I'd better remain veiled in anonymity :)

Learned Pessimism...

In my first MNC, I once did a workshop on "Learned Optimism". I need to unlearn that now. As much as I don’t like to write about my failures, write I must, because without a release this pain will only intensify. The pain of being rejected time and again by people whom I didn’t have any particular liking for, but whom I wanted to accept just for the sake of moving on. Like the gentleman I mentioned in my previous entry – the bank employee. Well, first mistake was not to deposit the cheque right away on the day of account opening itself, since my previous FD had matured already. But you know, I walked off in a hurry, not very sure if the primary objective is to meet the guy or to open the account (I was considering opening another account as I have been depositing too much with one single bank, and as Warren Buffet’s advice goes – it is wrong to put all your eggs in the same basket). Also as my ex PM keeps telling me to move my money from private banks to government banks, this seemed to be a pretty good opportunity to act on it. So the account was opened on Saturday, and I was not quite sure if I liked the guy. 

Well, Monday posed a greater dilemma. I didn’t want to look too eager to make a 2^nd visit to that place on the very next working day, for obvious reasons. In my attempt to safeguard my ego, I did some stupidities. Consider that the new account was opened with Bank Z. I had my money in Bank X. Instead of depositing it to Bank Z directly, for which I would have to visit the branch, I deposited a cheque to Bank Y, because I found on the net that NEFT from Bank Y to Bank Z is free. And let me tell you, being a banking person myself, I could very well work out that outward clearing would take 3 days and I would lose interest far greater than the NEFT charge (from Bank X to Bank Z directly), still, I am fanatic about not paying NEFT charges because it doesn’t make sense. It is just a channel, and as it is, Citi Bank has free NEFT and I kind of got habituated to it. In the recent days, to save the NEFT money, I have become habituated to writing cheques as well, something I have never done earlier, as I was so accustomed to e-transfers. So, I waited another couple of days for the money to get credited in Bank Y, and then I discover, my God, NEFT from Bank Y to Bank Z is not free after all. So, the only other option was again to go in person and deposit the cheque. 3 days had passed and I was still shy about this. So, as is my habit, to blame for all situations in my life, I started shouting at dad. “Dad, you shouldn’t put me in such situations – see I can’t even go and deposit a cheque there, and I am losing precious interest money”. And as is my dad’s habit, to tell me unexpected things on the face, he blurted out, “don’t worry, the proposal hasn’t worked out”. I murmured, “what do you mean by that?” “Nothing, the guy said you are older than him…” Trust me, I felt shell shocked. Is there ever going to be an end to this? I am fat, I am old – is that going to be my identity forever? A reason why I am shunned by the “darker” sex (I really don’t find any way of calling them fair). Would nobody ever care for the kind of human being I am? I was a nervous wreck for the next two days. Engrossed myself in work, thinking of hardly anything else (our project website is going to go live next Monday, so there was a lot of work anyways, and having relearnt Photoshop recently, my old flare for creativity and painting has somehow emerged again, I conceptualized and created every single banner and graph in the website). “Precious interest money” lost its importance. I lost all enthusiasm about the car as well – told myself, “girl, there’s no point seeking materialistic pleasure, when God is so hell bent to deny you any real happiness”. To cut a long story short, I took it in rather a bad way.

This morning, however, I had recovered. I went to the bank quite cheerfully (since dad was there with me), and deposited the cheque. Also inquired about car loan terms – since it is near my home, I quite decided to take the loan from here itself, as their terms are also pretty good. The guy was thankfully hidden in some inner cubicle and I mostly spoke to the manager. He did come out once, and I felt a bit awkward, and so did he, but I managed to ignore the situation.

So that’s that, and I am trying to live on, devoid of dreams. I am not in a very good mental state. The manager asked simple questions which made me falter.

“Do you get a salary slip?”

“No, I am in a contract position”.

“Any chance of getting permanent in the near future?”

“No, I am not getting a good job here…”

“You have a Form 16?”

“Of course, from my earlier organization”

“And did they give salary slips?”

“Oh ya, and I used to draw a much larger salary there…”

“You bring along those stuff, I will see to it that you get the loan…”

Enough to summarize the agony of having to wash your hands off your career just for the sake of being near your loved ones. As much as I am trying to be happy with my current job, I know that it’d take me nowhere. But then, living alone in Bangalore just for the sake of money and career was also crushing me. And I wanted to give a chance to myself, to find a groom, and even agree for the once despised arranged marriage, for I am only to be blamed to have lived life on my own terms and making a mockery of my personal life.

I wonder if God has at all created someone for me. How can that person bear to let me live with this constant humiliation and heartbreak? I am tired of trying to find ways out. Buy a car, go for a facial, watch a movie, read this book – may be you’d be happy. Then, the book just lies on the bed, the movie is not enjoyed, the facial doesn’t impart a glow, and the car becomes just scrap metal. I am not happy after all. I get unquenched urges all the time, to have a friend, to have someone even closer to my heart and soul – one who would just break my shell and liberate me. No, I am not a loner, I am not a careerist, I am not a lazy, laid back introvert girl. I am fun loving, cheerful and adventurous. I am brave – I am not a cribber. I am not what I appear to be – drab, uninteresting, mediocre. I just can’t express myself. I am a very shy person, I just can’t reach out. And I trust so easily that almost always the wrong person succeeds to wreck my life, and I retract more in my shell. Should this be the reason my entire life goes for a waste? 

Lately, I have become very restless. I can’t concentrate, particularly when I am all alone. I don’t know what to do. I force myself to play games, to read TOI, read a page or two in a book and realize that I have read it earlier, curse  myself for not using a book mark, fidget some more and then force myself to fall asleep and wake up with a headache. It is becoming a regular routine. And routine is something I have always hated. To think this is going to be my life forever makes me rather sick…and I hate my never say die attitude, my attempts to sort things out and find solutions and options – I have been doing it since the last 10 years I guess, to no avail.

I must stop dreaming. As he used to tell me, “expectations rakkho hi mat...” I shouldn’t seek a way out. I should learn to be happy with myself, I don’t have a soul mate, God never created him for me, he simply doesn’t exist.

A rather hapless day...

A lot happened today and the major part of it is not funny. Because it was I who had to face the music. The test drive was a real rotter. It has been six months since I had last driven a car, and I did a real flop show. For two of the cars I tried, the sales executive was there, and he was rather polite and helpful (my dad explained that the reason was his entitlement to the commission once I buy the car), whereas for the last one, he had to go somewhere and he instructed one of the drivers of the showroom to help me out, and he in no time asked me, "so, did you get your license?" I nodded. He made a grumpy face and said, "you still have a lot to learn". And he asked me to get down from the car, kind of dismissing me. And my brother was also vociferous in his criticisms (he doesn't drive by the way - nobody in my family does - my dad probably knows the essentials of driving, but even he doesn't drive). I felt so crappy, I cannot explain in words. Towards the end of my driving classes, I had gained some confidence. I don't know what happened. Perhaps the lack of practice is to be blamed. Whatever, I felt more comfortable driving a manual one. Because that is what I had learned. The automatic seemed jerky, though there was hardly any driving to do. But with the manual you feel more in control. I don't know the feasibility of employing a driver when my salary only is this low, and the contract job this uncertain (if the next installment of funds don't come, I don't get a salary after two more months). But oh, how I want a car. I have never wanted anything in life to this extent. And I want to drive. Vertigo or whatever, I want to drive.

Because what else is there in life? Marriage doesn't seem to be on the cards. I won't say that people are not trying, My parents, some of the relatives, even some of the neighbors are trying hard. But then Bengali menfolks, they won't settle for less, you see. Today a neighbor uncle forced me to open an account in the local bank, because he has apparently chosen the accountant there as my prospective groom. And since I am getting paranoid about my FDs (oh the incessant request of - please invest with us as well - whenever I walk into a non home branch of all my private banks) - I kind of had nothing to lose in opening an account with a government bank. See, the guy is good looking enough, but he is disorganized and nervous - he kept forgetting things and I kept guiding him (well, you see I am not that pretty so as to cause a lapse in regular concentration to one's work). And meeting him was not particularly lucky for me, considering the fiasco regarding the test drive. So, in the evening when I was sitting idle with dad, I told him, that frankly speaking I'd prefer Iniesta look alike to this guy. He blurted out, but then he doesn't want you, his parents rejected you because they want a younger bride. I was like - what? why didn't you tell this to me earlier? He meekly admitted that mom thought it's better not to tell - I'd be unhappy. Ohh...I thought to myself...they did follow up then until it reached a blind lane - and all the time I was thinking why my parents don't show enough interest in my marriage. Well, I guess it is my fate to be blamed, for you see, I have been turned down on other contexts (she's fat) when I have been younger (and slimmer than I am now). Why, 10 years back Anand's mom had felt that I look older than him - why to blame people now? I don't really want to indulge in self pity. I am not particularly inclined to go for a nervous banker with a weird dressing sense, and come on, there's hardly any guarantee that even he won't reject me - in fact in all probability he will.

As of now my only ambition in life is to be able to drive without stressing myself. Please God, let that work out somehow.

Independence Day

I went shopping yesterday...after office. Now, you might laugh if you get to know the shopping list. There were 3 items in all. Since Janmashtami is coming up, I needed to get a new set of clothes for the RadhaKrishna deity at our home. That was item no. 1. Then item no. 2 was again dedicated to the Gods, I had to take flowers for puja. Item no. 3 though was something I wanted to buy...and was not sure if I should. I wanted a flag. I reached office...and while I worked on photoshop, my teammates worked on the project website and my other colleagues watched Mahabharat in youtube, I suddenly let that slip out. All 3 present in the room heard that I want a 'flat' - they unanimously think that I am a very rich person. After they realized their mistake...one of them commented that his kid is planning to make a flag or buy one...made it sound like I am being a kid...in wanting one too. That put me down a bit. In the shops that sold flags....I mostly saw kids with their moms as the only prospective buyers. So I unhappily crossed those shops and went on to get items 1 and 2. I had almost reached the auto stand when the impulse and pining increased. It is just one life...I just must fulfill my wishes. There were few shops there which sold sports goods...each of them had a flag sticking out of the doorway. In one of them I saw some miniatures too. I gathered courage and stepped in..."err...do you sell these large flags...or you have just displayed?" "No, no we sell them." "What's the price?", I asked. As they got out the bag to show me one, by mistake they pulled out a flag of even larger size, which absolutely took my fancy. I decided to go for it and made the payment.

And we had the most wonderful flag hoisting ceremony today. The entire family, including my granny leaning onto her walker, and my bro who's here on a week long holiday, was present. Dad hoisted the flag and said Vande Mataram thrice, and we repeated after him. Then we sang Jana Gana Mana together. To think of it, I guess I have never actually sung the national anthem aloud...this was the first time. I always sing it in my mind and make it a point to stand up whenever I hear it...in whichever context. I remember standing up once on my bed...inside the mosquito net, in the middle of the night...when it played in the last scene of 1942 A Love Story, which was being telecast in the late night show. Might sound hilarious...but I am that patriotic. When I went to SG, it was my first Independence Day outside India, and I had to go to office...I decided to make a paper flag and put it up on my desk. Some laughed, some praised, one person commented that it is incorrectly made as the saffron, white and green bands were not equal in width (to admit the truth, that was the first time I got to know that they should be equal - till then I had the idea that the white band needs to be thicker as it houses the Ashoka Chakra)...all the same, I was happy to celebrate the tricolor in a foreign country. And I was totally content with today's event too. This is what life is all about...the immense happiness you get in realizing your small wishes :)

Ah morning!

 I slept early last night. As a result, I got up around 2:30 in the morning. After fidgeting a while, and doing various other unproductive exercises, which included fretting about the next FDs I need to make, I decided to get up. I put on the lights and started reading. Thanks to my brother, I get to read interesting non-fictions once in a while. This time when he came for holidaying he got me this copy of “Think Like a Freak”, the third book in the Freakonomics series. Albeit it is a good read, my mind was drifting around occasionally. And soon enough, I started remembering every tiny winny thing about my two visits to Bahrain. I wondered why? And then I discovered the connection. Bahrain is the last place where I have remotely met dawn. Otherwise I am this incorrigibly nocturnal person. The routine itself at Bahrain is such that I had to get up in the morning. They being a desert place, start work early, around 7 or 7:30 AM and wrap up by 3 PM or so. I kept remembering the rides in Ali bhaiya’s cab, and what a friendly person he used to be. The client manager there, a lady older than me, but how well she has maintained herself. Bahrain is not the typical Islamic country, there girls are allowed to wear whatever they want, and they look extremely fashionable.  And the cars there – next only to the ones I have seen in Europe. But I have seen the only Alfa Romeo (a convertible that too) till date in SG – and I think that is by far the most beautiful car I have ever seen, and except a real Maserati and Lamborghini I guess I have seen them all. I keep dreaming about cars these days, now that I am finally ready to get myself one. I never thought I’d be able to realize this last materialistic dream of mine…but I guess it is going to happen sometime soon. At around 28 years of age, I set a few goals for myself - own house, a car, a MBA degree and a managerial job before 30. Well, it has taken a bit more time, but I have ticked them off one by one. Though there are clauses associated with each. House is not in my name, though I sponsored the construction of the entire first floor, MBA is not a regular one (it is a so called correspondence degree), managerial job never had a proper “Project Manager” designation – various similar sounding designations like “Associate Project Manager”, “Partnership and Alliance Manager” and “Project Coordinator” has been bestowed upon me, but this time I am going to get my own car, registered in my name, and I am going to drive it from day 1. I would have never dared to drive a car in Kolkata traffic, but scared to hell that I am, I leave myself no choice, because you don’t get drivers here who are ready to drive automatic cars. That is the reason I am getting an automatic car in the first place. So that I am forced to drive. 

Well, why did I get up so early, and why can’t I sleep? I am worried about my investment plans, yes. Moreover, I am not able to decide about what to do regarding a certain HR call I received yesterday regarding some job opportunity in a local software firm. The organization is not big, neither is it an MNC, and the HR guy wants me to suppress my job experience in the university, so that he can pay me better salary. Sounds very shady, doesn’t it? Why on earth do I portray myself to be so worthless as to be sitting idle for almost a year, when I can very well justify my decision to join at a lower salary? Academics and Industry don’t earn at par, so they can’t pay at par. It is as simple as that. Somehow I lost my interest in the job since then. Frustrated I might be, by the attitude and lack of process here, but I am quite content with my job all the same. Moreover, I get to explore life here. The drama plans, though stalled a bit for permissions to rehearse in the department premises, will work out soon. It is a bit scary to know that the director plans for workshop where both physical and vocal exercises need to be taken up, but still, this is the entire reason why I came back. To be able to mingle with people better, to be able to do what I could never do in Bangalore, to find some respite from the drab, uneventful life. And for that the university job is perfect. It doesn’t pay well, but I have a lot of time, quite a lot of independence and flexibility and I am my own master most of the time. 

To end up, lesson for the day – when you need time to think, better give yourself that time, some solution is bound to come out. Wow! Mornings are positive, aren’t they?

Shadows, yet the warmth when the sun shines with all its glory...

More often than not, I regret the fact that once again I am staying up late at night, as I’d hate it when as a consequence, I’d be late for office again tomorrow. I also feel hugely guilty at this extreme urge of myself to live life fully, as long as I can. I want to finish doing everything I ever wanted to do, and I’d rather get it done sooner rather than later. Oh, if only Rupai didn’t leave me this opportunity – I don’t know what would have happened to me. Don’t tell that nothing can ruin one’s life, they do. I see this girl who is working for another project in the department. Her father committed suicide and her mother is seriously ill and bedridden. I got to know this through a rather lazy banter on “how to lose weight” – when her example was sited, that she used to be plump as a football and now is thin as a pencil. I insisted to know how she made this metamorphosis possible, when people rather lamented bringing up the topic, and said, they wish nobody to go through what she had to. Yet, the girl still has such a lot of humour left in her, as I’d realize before the day got over. So, if Rupai had been destined to life rather than death, I don’t know how I’d have lived. But then I don’t know which life I’d have preferred, this or that. May be not this, may be not this…

We have planned to launch a drama this December, and had our first reading session today. It all stemmed from the drama I got to attend this Tuesday, where a teammate of mine performed. The next day we’d get into a post mortem of the roles, acting, script and direction (as all Bengalis love to do), and we’d end up volunteering to start a project all by ourselves. There is this other unmarried girl in the department, whom I have probably mentioned here. It seems she has some of my own feelings about life, probably she dreads her future too, and wants to live as much as she can now. Because she shares the same enthusiasm as me about this drama thingy. She is around a couple of years older than me, and I find a dejection in her, which is still somewhat dormant in me. She has excellent fashion sense, for once or twice I have found her impeccably dressed, but I don’t know why on earth, most of the times she’d wear drab, loose and ill fitted robe like salwar suits and appear totally oblivious of how terrible she looks. I shudder to think that I’d ever become like her. Once upon a time I was like that, but that was a different phase of life altogether, and for a totally different reason. I wouldn’t bother about how I am looking, because I was too content and assured about my relationship with Anand at that time. I was in my own small heaven, and didn’t have any point to prove. I loved being that way, way most housewives are, too contented with their homely look, not having the onus to impress anyone. Alas my utopia was not to last long. But nowadays I make sure I look good, because I feel good that way. And I felt good about the reading session, the prospect of getting involved in some social act, to find a deviation from my usual routine of office, home and story books.

We read a story of ghosts (ভূষন্ডির মাঠে) and everyone was laughing their hearts out. The girl I mentioned earlier was almost splitting her edges – I could empathize with her need to laugh so loud – poor kid, you mustn’t have met happiness for ages, I said in my mind. If the events of my life have left me with anything good, it is this power to relate to people’s feelings. I can understand, and they know I can, and that’s how I can build trust and friendship very quickly nowadays.

Bitchy that I am, and such a big mouth over that. My university senior loves playing music on the computer as he works, and I can’t concentrate until complete silence prevails around me (one of the reasons why I am at my most productive in the dead of the night). But ya, I haven’t protested yet, for usually he plays very soothing numbers, which I don’t mind sitting idle and listening to, with rapt attention. And today as he played নিত্য তোমার যে ফুল ফোটে ফুলবনে by সুমন I couldn't help blurting out, oh, how I love this song - I have even written about it in my blog. And no sooner than I had said it, I wished like hell I could gulp down my words, because, God help me, the very last entry there calls him a loser. If he'd find out, that'd be the end of our relationship. He gave a Google search soon enough, but I have protected my blog well, you see. It doesn't get listed against my name. I couldn't even tell myself to stop being bitchy, because I know I'd never be able to do that. And over that, God favors me in my bitchiness. Like, I didn't have any intention to boast about the tool I coded, not as yet that is, I wanted to fine tune it and spend some idle time pretending to code it (to compensate that hard work I had done through the weekend), but our professor walked in right on day 1, and I couldn't help giving the demo. He is a senior person on the verge of his retirement, so he didn't express his appreciation in so many words, but I could see he is happy, and he simply asked me to carry on. The so called "loser" was seating at the very next seat. He lamely called out to the professor, "sir, even I have built a tool". Sir saw the demo of that one too, with a great deal of impatience, and finally commented - "what is the point reinventing the wheel?" My university senior (I can't call him a loser every time, you see, it sounds repetitive and right now, it seems besides the point to try and prove a well established fact) has become a grumpy and confused sort of fellow since then. At times he'd say, oh, I'd give up web programming, every body can do it these days (excuse me, but such a loser) and today he went to the extreme. He wanted to give his tool idea (the reinventing the wheel one) to a student of his, for her thesis work - neither could he explain the thing to her, nor could he understand it himself (simple, because the idea doesn't have much fizz u see) and finally ended up asking me - what do you think, does it have any merit? I plainly remarked, when you are not able to understand it yourself, how can I? God!!!...and the "oh, I am so important" fiasco he does - it took 3 months for me to get the certificate for the previous project I did with him, only because of his reluctance. He wanted to give a certificate signed by only himself, and I wouldn't accept one if at least one university administrator didn't sign. Finally I won, and he had sign along with one of the registrars. Why get into doing such idiocy which hurts your reputation?I was all set to be utterly grateful and respectful to this gentleman, if only he was not hell bent on spoiling it all. 

I am bitchy, and I enjoy it. And I can't help it if the world is like this. And, even though I am enjoying my life here, and I am happy about my decision of leaving Bangalore and coming here, I am scared about what the future might hold. Iniesta look alike is in the back burner, my drama plans, the tool development, and strategies for the software business I am planning with my ex colleagues fill up my mind. And yet, my mind becomes strangely vacant at times. Scary thoughts and stale memories keep rushing in and gnawing at me. I don't know if I can sustain any further blow. Like the cat in My Talking Tom app gets up every time he falls down after being hit, I too wish I could handle things well. Only at times there's too much gloom and I tend to lose my way. I am trying though!

My attempts at trying to live...

Ya, it happened so that at 2:23 in the morning, I felt this swelling pride for myself, had a curious smile on my face and was finally able to to compel my attention to be diverted elsewhere (read my blog). All because, in a crude or novice way or whatever, I had won the challenge all the same.

I have learnt a lesson lately. Losers are not always bad people. They can be extreme good and benevolent, but losers alright. For example, my university senior. He is not a bad person at all. He has helped me out of this employment fix when nobody else bothered. How far the socio economic condition of West Bengal is to be blamed for the very occurrence of the situation is a different story altogether. But then had I been at his place I wouldn't have probably done that good deed - for I am an outright threat - being a competitor to him and his existing position. This, he took time to understand, naive that he is. Once he understood, still he kept on giving away opportunities to get rid of me. I got to know recently that he was offered my position, which he denied. I could have almost said aloud imitating Hagrid, way he says, "Great man, Dumbledore" - "great soul, my university senior". But I couldn't, because he hasn't been able to get rid of the pompous trait that is so inherent in every Bengali man.

So here goes the story in short. I have been asked to develop a web based application of medium complexity. Ya, it is not part of my job description, and I am not paid enough to do it. So I thought I won't do it after all. Oh, I have enough managerial talent to shove around work, don't even doubt that. Any tell me why should I show my talents when I am not being paid enough? One has to be professional in this world, which anyways has such a skewed standard of judgement. Do you think in my next job people will ever bother to check my talent? They will just see the salary and decide that I must be quite worthless to earn so little at my age and experience. They'd conclude that I am quite a dud, else why on earth would I compromise on my salary and move to a contractual position from a permanent one? But then, this guy taunted us "industry people" in front of this girl who has freshly passed out and joined our project - saying academicians know much more than us. Talk of the frogs in the well, why are there so many of them, I wonder! Yes, I myself am quite not confident about building a software from scratch, but hello, don't forget the fact that I have handled a software more complex than any you have ever been exposed to. A core banking system is not a matter of joke, as everyone who puts their money in the bank ought to know. So I just started writing the code to prove a point to myself. And my old mania totally got me in its grip. I get a kick out of coding you see...way all coders do. It is such a satisfaction when a code runs and the thing you wanted to do is implemented. I spent couple of sleepless nights as a result, and almost finalized the prototype. But I didn't bother to boast. So, it is anybody's guess as to what happened next. This guy set on working on a similar problem, making all possible efforts to advertise the fact. He literally said, "you give up on it, then I will step in... (and busk in the glory of your failure and my success)". I didn't pay heed. He started calling people from my project, giving them demo of his work, and insisted, "come on, won't you ask for it - definitely you will need this module...come...don't be shy, just say you want it...". I felt like Ron Weasley in front of Draco Malfoy. Could I ever compete with someone who has worked all his life on the web? Would my code work finally?

And two more sleepless nights, and bouts of programming thrown in during the day's usual activities, and not only the prototype, but almost the entire application is ready now. Fine tuning is a different story, but I am so so happy to rediscover the girl who used to say - "don't ever challenge me - nobody has ever won a challenge against me".

I have a different thought process - I am the best, I am my favorite, but all said and done - I am not the only one on earth. I never boast - I know that what I have been able to do, can be done by anybody, provided that they have the tenacity. I think this attitude is all that sets me apart from the so called losers. Humility and faith...as wrappers around confidence and pride - makes you a wonderful person. Oh, don't have any doubt about that either, terribly bitchy and all, I am wonderful all right :) :)

What all I don't attempt to do - just to keep myself busy. And perfectionist that I am, it ends up taking a toll on me. I have to coax every bit of interest from my FDs, I have to fully utilize the net packs of my mobile and dongle before they expire, in short I have to make the most of everything. Still that sinking feeling would somehow find its way - why, for whom? I am not debating if it is at all possible to live all by yourself, I am very clear in my mind that I don't want such a life. I indulge in such childishness to keep myself engrossed and contented, but at the same time, I fervently pray for a miracle aka "a normal girl's life".