I understand that it has been a frightfully long time since I last wrote here. But then, what is there to write? Life is very normal and very mundane. I get up everyday just for the sake of not missing office, go to office and find some work, and do it. The entire day's ill treatment met out to me - I seem not to care. I don't care when I have to beg to about 10 autowallahs and they won't even stop to nod and say a polite no - they'd simply drive on. I just tell myself, girl, as you know, you are cut out for rejection, so this shouldn't bother you. And when finally someone agrees (with or without extra money) - I tell myself - girl, you should be thankful for this. In the office, there is lot of work and even more ill treatment. This is one office completely devoid of any process, so today I am asked to do some installation of a strange software I haven't ever heard of (and kids are pathetically failing to do it), tomorrow I am given the onus to create some presentation for a client in some bank in some faraway country - where I am supposed to visit to convince them about the project afterwards. Next moment I am asked to go for some requirement gathering in telecom domain and almost in the same breath, for some other work in some other continent. Thankfully none of the travels materialize finally, I do 10 hours in office, come back and work for couple of hours more if required. I don't have a reportee (in my previous company I had scores of people reporting to me) - and most people feel I don't know anything and hold a decorative post. My best friend at work has been like an angel to me, way she has protected me against the disasters in my personal life - but once in a while she keeps adding troubles for me in the professional front. She'd often act in a way as if I am taken for granted - and I'd feel bad but won't be able to protest. Kids are strange these days, they don't hesitate from misbehaving. But then, when I am left dry after the day's experiences (I keep remembering my apprehensions - of proving myself, a rather daunting task when you are asked to do anything on earth - and then comes the negativity - I often lose words while trying to protect myself, and collapse badly), I finally leave the office in search of a calm bus ride back home. I'd like to elaborate. Today I was asked out of the blue to explain sequence diagram to a kid. I don't mind, I know the basics of a sequence diagram. But tragedy was when the kid acted strangely. She had a distinct look on her face - which said - will she be able to explain? And she kept insisting on her doubts being clarified by her reporting manager only. Think how helpless you feel in such situations. Then again, in the evening, there was a simple doubt clearing session. My friend took few things too personally. What could have been suggestions, sounded like accusations. I, like the super idiot, was trying the calm down the kid saying comments should be taken in a constructive way - he simply clearly asked me to leave the place, else he wouldn't be able to work. I was really left shaken, wasn't I just trying to help and reconcile both the parties? I remembered Boo Boo - why do you try to give advice when people are not interested?
The bus drives on, was lucky to get a window seat. I talk to Boo Boo, way I often do - when I realize there's nobody else I can probably talk to. You know why nothing hurts? You haven't left me capable of feeling any pain. It is sustenance, an aimless survival. I don't live for anybody. Last Sunday, I just wanted to cuddle my brother a bit, and he kicked me and hit me and badly abused me. Post this incidence, there has been no call from my parents, they also don't bother. There is no one who bothers. What sucks is that every person against whom a crime is committed has the right to ask for justice, I don't. I have no way of telling in court that I badly need love and shelter, I just cannot struggle any more against this torturous world where nobody cares. I have this subtle feeling that may be I have done something gravely wrong for which I am being punished, but then, which law states punishment without telling you about your crime. I am always thanking God about every small bit of kindness He shows. And the next moment He takes it away. Something as small as a bike ride gives me so much happiness, I so enjoy the feel of cold air and the thrill of speed. But then, next moment I feel I am being a burden. So I resort back to my bus ride.
The bike rides were hellish in the beginning. I'd shake from head to toe - the memories of Boo would leave me so paralyzed. Then I gradually recovered. With every small bit of recovery, I feel may be I'll be able to fight it after all. But then, there is always a totally unexpected blow waiting in the wings, which finally occurs and shows me the futility of my attempts to struggle.
So, I continued my monologue with Boo. Boo, you knew I never depended on anybody. I just trusted you and told you my experiences. I never believed that would just make you select me as a soft target. Couldn't you have spared me the agony of abandonment once again? I'll never be able to love again is an understatement Boo Boo. I'll never be able to live again. Give me one reason I should live in this hellish world, not that I am not trying.
The days ahead looks like an endless and unconquerable ocean. Numerous days ahead, each day giving signals of cold shouldering and ignominy. And I myself abandon all chances of probable happiness. We'd joke about a prospective groom, and I'd try to return to my bubble. Just try to imagine falling in love once again - look at the guy way I'd look at bossie or heman. Watch a song and be all happy happy in my mind. Not that such moments don't come. They come and I desperately try to convince myself, happiness is a way of life, it happens. Yes it happens, but it doesn't linger and that is the big problem. I am too weak - even small mishaps overpower me completely. You cannot stick to your work and a couple of story books and try to live. You need human company, you need love and pampering, and at least a girl like me needs a man. Now tell me, can I ever find a man whom I will happen to trust and be ready to live with, once again? Can I ever again do that experiment with myself? I don't understand, I really don't understand. I am not a foolish girl, and I am not entirely bad looking. Why was I shunned to this extent in life?
That is precisely the reason I haven't written so long. Because my so called bestest friend, who kissed me so so passionately and initiated a relationship of love without my asking, is probably honeymooning somewhere on earth, leaving me questioning myself - did he actually feel I'm an use and throw kinda whore when he said things like - I need to take a house of my own, can't stay as a PG - I need to hug you. Bloody swine has left such a gaping void in my life that I am boggled down with such small issues - I am rendered completely useless in the struggle for existence, and of course I have no right to bore to death the so called happy people on earth with my saga of unending agony. Do not read...do not come near me...I'm a black hole...a dementor kinda thing.
In the novel I just finished reading, Lord Shiva tells, there is no Vikarma (people who are supposedly being punished by God in this life, for the crime they committed in their last life). He says, in God's world decisions are taken in an absolutely random manner. If so, then there goes my last chance of blaming God as well - this, He never planned - it was RANDOM :D :D I became the fucking scapegoat of unplanned randomness.
The bus drives on, was lucky to get a window seat. I talk to Boo Boo, way I often do - when I realize there's nobody else I can probably talk to. You know why nothing hurts? You haven't left me capable of feeling any pain. It is sustenance, an aimless survival. I don't live for anybody. Last Sunday, I just wanted to cuddle my brother a bit, and he kicked me and hit me and badly abused me. Post this incidence, there has been no call from my parents, they also don't bother. There is no one who bothers. What sucks is that every person against whom a crime is committed has the right to ask for justice, I don't. I have no way of telling in court that I badly need love and shelter, I just cannot struggle any more against this torturous world where nobody cares. I have this subtle feeling that may be I have done something gravely wrong for which I am being punished, but then, which law states punishment without telling you about your crime. I am always thanking God about every small bit of kindness He shows. And the next moment He takes it away. Something as small as a bike ride gives me so much happiness, I so enjoy the feel of cold air and the thrill of speed. But then, next moment I feel I am being a burden. So I resort back to my bus ride.
The bike rides were hellish in the beginning. I'd shake from head to toe - the memories of Boo would leave me so paralyzed. Then I gradually recovered. With every small bit of recovery, I feel may be I'll be able to fight it after all. But then, there is always a totally unexpected blow waiting in the wings, which finally occurs and shows me the futility of my attempts to struggle.
So, I continued my monologue with Boo. Boo, you knew I never depended on anybody. I just trusted you and told you my experiences. I never believed that would just make you select me as a soft target. Couldn't you have spared me the agony of abandonment once again? I'll never be able to love again is an understatement Boo Boo. I'll never be able to live again. Give me one reason I should live in this hellish world, not that I am not trying.
The days ahead looks like an endless and unconquerable ocean. Numerous days ahead, each day giving signals of cold shouldering and ignominy. And I myself abandon all chances of probable happiness. We'd joke about a prospective groom, and I'd try to return to my bubble. Just try to imagine falling in love once again - look at the guy way I'd look at bossie or heman. Watch a song and be all happy happy in my mind. Not that such moments don't come. They come and I desperately try to convince myself, happiness is a way of life, it happens. Yes it happens, but it doesn't linger and that is the big problem. I am too weak - even small mishaps overpower me completely. You cannot stick to your work and a couple of story books and try to live. You need human company, you need love and pampering, and at least a girl like me needs a man. Now tell me, can I ever find a man whom I will happen to trust and be ready to live with, once again? Can I ever again do that experiment with myself? I don't understand, I really don't understand. I am not a foolish girl, and I am not entirely bad looking. Why was I shunned to this extent in life?
That is precisely the reason I haven't written so long. Because my so called bestest friend, who kissed me so so passionately and initiated a relationship of love without my asking, is probably honeymooning somewhere on earth, leaving me questioning myself - did he actually feel I'm an use and throw kinda whore when he said things like - I need to take a house of my own, can't stay as a PG - I need to hug you. Bloody swine has left such a gaping void in my life that I am boggled down with such small issues - I am rendered completely useless in the struggle for existence, and of course I have no right to bore to death the so called happy people on earth with my saga of unending agony. Do not read...do not come near me...I'm a black hole...a dementor kinda thing.
In the novel I just finished reading, Lord Shiva tells, there is no Vikarma (people who are supposedly being punished by God in this life, for the crime they committed in their last life). He says, in God's world decisions are taken in an absolutely random manner. If so, then there goes my last chance of blaming God as well - this, He never planned - it was RANDOM :D :D I became the fucking scapegoat of unplanned randomness.
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