Changes and aspirations...

You know, insignificant, almost imperceptible changes. Like - I won't be lying down all the time when I am at home. Would be a little more interactive...slightly more mobile than I am usually. I wouldn't feel that void that I usually do, in that searing a way. I am a little more angry and little less given up.

I can't call myself happy, no, but maybe I am slightly more lighthearted. A little out of my usual depression, in the fact that I am at least, say, brushing my teeth regularly, twice a day :) throw in the occasional beauty routine and I quite fail to recognize myself...

A strange thing happened yesterday. Quite scary too. I was having two tumor kinda things in my armpits. I didn't want to see the doctor about that. I was nurturing it way I nurture my broken tooth, as a prospective tool that'd lead to my death. One of the tumors was swelling up and I almost felt happy about the imminent death. And strangely at the same time, its roots were drying up too. Yesterday evening it just got detached from the skin and fell off - a minuscule swelled up mass with a shriveled end. Quite a sight for someone who's never attended a biology lab. Before I could react, blood spurted out of the wound. Like a jet it streamed out. My God, was I shaken? Somehow with my common sense and by God's grace I stopped the blood. I came downstairs and put a bandaid. But till now I am getting the illusion that the wound will start leaking blood, although the area looks dry and healed and the bandaid firmly in place. So much for perceived death. And I get my healing touch by talking to him, albeit asynchronously. I feel, almost imperceptibly, that may be I don't want to die right now. Not before I see this apparent magic take a little bit more of a shape...

Yes, I don't know what's going on. This was the man I had fallen in love with and admitted to myself 6 months back. This was the man for whom I put mehendi on the entire length of my arms and dressed up in a lehenga and wore a maangtika. And now I find just a friend in the man. A friend who's given up on normal functioning once we reached this particular level of our friendship. There couldn't be a stranger incident. I definitely need to explore it before I die...