The deep depression...

I am in love with him. Amid the confusion and depression that has become a regular part of this life, I love him unabashedly. Because I need a bubble to survive. And I can't live without loving somebody. Nowadays I don't put the precondition that he has to love me back. Just that I have to like him, and he should be a bit like me.

I don't hope for a relationship at this stage of my life. I don't even hope about getting back my somewhat decent consolation prize of a career that I used to have 3 years back. I am bankrupt in every sort of way and I don't hope. Period.

This guy comes in my life through my job. How else would I meet people? I know in my mind when I am partial to someone. I take a steady liking towards him and assign him some work so that he has to listen in to my voice recording. That's your subconscious at work. You don't know your mind, but your subconscious is always at play. It will tell you. And when you look back you realize these subtle links. I am amused.

And then I forget all about it. He's not indispensable. Nobody is anymore - in my life. I have learned not to rely on anybody.

Then comes the occasional day/evening of madness. I feel like looking good, with my near middle age overweight self. And somehow, when I look back at the photos of the evening, I don't cringe. I look presentable enough, being the way I am. Several people gasp. They have no idea that a plane Jane like me can look like this. Some people compliment. But when he says that I look beautiful, I blush. To hide it, I say, "you look okay okay..." and we both laugh aloud. It's been a while I have laughed aloud with a man so spontaneously.

I am a very lonely person at heart, who tries her best to stay happy. I am a very impatient and rebellious being, I develop hatred very easily. So I better not reach out to yet another sour relationship. Whenever I feel this kind of attraction, I remember "The Reader". Everyone lives with their own limitations, it doesn't mean that one would be devoid of the cravings of life...at length, after imagining a whole lot of other things, I imagine him understanding that I am tired. So tired that I am ready to accept myself as a loser. I cry a little and go back to my regular meaningless existence. Facebook is a show off media, where I try to prove every other moment that I am alive. It makes me look all the more desperate and lame. I couldn't emerge victorious from the atrocities of life. Please let's not fight anymore for basic human rights to happiness. I can't cope up with the world's selfish ways - and stop protesting and be self-centered myself - which seems to be the foundation to happiness.