The annual reunion of dad's college - the last foot tapping number. I am sitting in between my mom and an aunt (dad's friend's wife). I am wearing a pink palazzo, pink top and a pink shawl, looking great and gently swaying to the tune. An unknown lady from behind, mother of two kids, wearing a bright saree and gold jewelry nudges me. "Go and dance", she says in a good natured way, "your dress is good for dancing and you are not old like us...just go...never mind the people around..."
So I go and dance in the corridor with men and kids. I don't fit in. I feel lost. I might look younger, but I am probably as old as that lady. If Rupai were born he'd be almost 10 now. I am not married, I am nobody's mother. I don't belong to any group, this one or that...I shouldn't dance or be merry...perhaps...
Fast forward 5 months. Present day, I had gone out to get my favorite afternoon snacks. A roadside vendor is sitting with a container full of berries. He calls out to me, "বৌদি, জাম নিয়ে যান..."
I pretend that I haven't noticed him, and walk on, but I swear in my mind..."God dammit, I am nobody's sister in law, I don't have a husband..."
I am tired of this guilt and existential crisis. A friend calls. Says he's calling up all the old friends, suddenly he's remembered the old days. He says very gently..."did you notice how all the kids are growing up?" I reply with a lot of fake enthusiasm, "yes, kids grow up real fast, no?" And the helplessness and utterly dismal yet untold "stop pricking on my wounds" behind that facade... Why is the entire world crumbling down?
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