Bossie, you know what...I am drunk today...most surely drunk on old old memories...of us, of our days together...of the chats we had...the walks we took, your touch, your presence...and this is once again what JK Rowling's excessive use of the F word has done to me (I am reading the Cuckoo's Calling now - so back to back novels by her - quite like the Harry Potter days) - so F it all, I know you are this stupid married man with a kid - but hell I am very very lonely and desperate for a job and nothing is going right in my life...when I discover on the TV one of those movies that you talked about (released during the time we were together) and I return to my time machine.
And you know what I do? You have any idea what I do? I put my iPod on charging, after what seems like ages. In the last 5 months since coming to Kolkata, I haven't charged it, I have never used it even once to listen to a song. If I have been desperate I just logged in youtube...but then given the disastrous internet speed here, F, I had to give it up. Once in a rare while I downloaded songs through keepvid.com and played in my mobile...that's all I did, you see, my nice new blue iPod stood abandoned - way you and all the rest abandoned me.
And then...today happened. A guy just unknowingly impressed on me that he cares. He even complained why I don't care about him. The great mystery that human mind already is, who can ever say what sparks off things. Standing ignored for all these 5 months, this is one guy who has come back to me again and again, precisely 3 times in all these months, in two of the instances, including today, a chat on gtalk led to a subsequent call, which cheered me up substantially. No, I don't think of love, particularly because, I am no more in the age to fall in love - I need to settle down, and there is no practical chance that I can settle down with this guy. You see, I know the pros and cons too well.
But then I opened up a little - a wee little bit to the idea that things might change. I might get a job, I might just get married and have a caring enough husband who might not abandon me. Some positive thoughts came after ages, some romantic thoughts followed them, and in this small peephole I had opened up to let in sunlight, the sweet, dizzying breeze of my once upon a time life came back.
1. I listened to that recording of our last night's conversation (time stamp tells me 09-10-12 12:49 am, he was on his way to catch his Kuwait flight - from where he'd return for his engagement - but then I had no notion of these things and was just asking if he has eaten properly) -
Me. I still don't get it
He. I ate Lunner
Me. What?
He. Lunch and dinner together is called Lunner
Me. In which language?
He. I am coining this new word in English. Idiot...breakfast and lunch, you call as brunch, then why don't lunch and...
That's all - I remember having hurriedly closed off the recording in fear that he might get to know (way he had gotten to know that I am accessing his mailbox regularly). I didn't want to do the same mistake twice, didn't want to alienate him, oh God, I just didn't want to lose my Boo again on any account. God, I never knew that this is the very last time he's ever speaking romantically to me...that he's gonna abandon me - has already abandoned me and chosen another girl - I just didn't know.
2. Found this photo of mine with an alfa romeo convertible, taken in Singapore. I was of course looking for some other photo - but this brought back a surge of feel good - oh if only I could get back to that life - who knew things will degrade and leave me in the state I am today...a total pauper...
3. Found the photo I was looking for...the one taken in Bintan, me, him and the baby...it seems I can spend my life looking at the photo (ya of course, for this will never be a reality in my life right? I just gotta get punished for no fault of mine - or just cause myself pain by bringing in blame for things I haven't done, which just accidentally happened - ya that's gonna be my life - whereas the perpetrators of my destruction live on in super bliss) - but then...amid all bitterness, oh I had that life, I had that time even if for once...If only my heart hadn't turned into stone because of the turn of events, I believe I could have cried with joy seeing the photo.
4. Watched Bhool Bhulaiya on the TV (once again - can't help quoting yet another chat at yet another point in time with yet another person I had loved and trusted - me: kalki movie kaisi tthi he: mast...dont go by rating me: ok ok he: badiya movie thii) and just longed to listen to the song আমি যে তোমার one more time...went to youtube...the streaming was ok but the audio got distorted after a while. And out of sheer madness I groped in my purse and fished out the iPod.
I know tomorrow will be another of those horrible days when I won't even feel like waking up. I am certain these days that I am gradually getting into the grip of permanent depression - I just don't feel that urge anymore - begging hurts man - nobody helps. The bastards will give lecture - oh you shouldn't have left your job, you see it is a pyramid - there is less space on the top - bloody hell I am not interested in knowing the corporate structure in India, be it pyramid or rectangular parallelopiped - if you can help me do that else go to hell. You know D'bhai, I feel the entire world is living in their own sweet dream, they don't realize reality. Oh it is just happening to her, it will never happen to me, I am this perfect smart ass you see. I know you'd tell me, language Mamon. What can I do D'bhai - I just don't wanna leave my parents and go back to Bangalore. This is the only bit of family I am left with - anyways the rest of my life after them is going to be maddeningly lonely - why doesn't God let me have at least this much? You understand na D'bhai, all I need is some work, some work that won't get on my nerves, or make me feel belittled - any respectable bit of work, for which I don't need to beg. I hate begging D'bhai...I don't know why the world turns me down like this?
Wanted to watch both Highway and অভিশপ্ত নাইটি - but then couldn't bring myself up to get out of home - I told you its getting worse - I feel so guilty to enjoy life without a job. If things continue like this, I am sure I won't be going out for Durga Puja next time...will it really come to that?
And you know what I do? You have any idea what I do? I put my iPod on charging, after what seems like ages. In the last 5 months since coming to Kolkata, I haven't charged it, I have never used it even once to listen to a song. If I have been desperate I just logged in youtube...but then given the disastrous internet speed here, F, I had to give it up. Once in a rare while I downloaded songs through keepvid.com and played in my mobile...that's all I did, you see, my nice new blue iPod stood abandoned - way you and all the rest abandoned me.
And then...today happened. A guy just unknowingly impressed on me that he cares. He even complained why I don't care about him. The great mystery that human mind already is, who can ever say what sparks off things. Standing ignored for all these 5 months, this is one guy who has come back to me again and again, precisely 3 times in all these months, in two of the instances, including today, a chat on gtalk led to a subsequent call, which cheered me up substantially. No, I don't think of love, particularly because, I am no more in the age to fall in love - I need to settle down, and there is no practical chance that I can settle down with this guy. You see, I know the pros and cons too well.
But then I opened up a little - a wee little bit to the idea that things might change. I might get a job, I might just get married and have a caring enough husband who might not abandon me. Some positive thoughts came after ages, some romantic thoughts followed them, and in this small peephole I had opened up to let in sunlight, the sweet, dizzying breeze of my once upon a time life came back.
1. I listened to that recording of our last night's conversation (time stamp tells me 09-10-12 12:49 am, he was on his way to catch his Kuwait flight - from where he'd return for his engagement - but then I had no notion of these things and was just asking if he has eaten properly) -
Me. I still don't get it
He. I ate Lunner
Me. What?
He. Lunch and dinner together is called Lunner
Me. In which language?
He. I am coining this new word in English. Idiot...breakfast and lunch, you call as brunch, then why don't lunch and...
That's all - I remember having hurriedly closed off the recording in fear that he might get to know (way he had gotten to know that I am accessing his mailbox regularly). I didn't want to do the same mistake twice, didn't want to alienate him, oh God, I just didn't want to lose my Boo again on any account. God, I never knew that this is the very last time he's ever speaking romantically to me...that he's gonna abandon me - has already abandoned me and chosen another girl - I just didn't know.
2. Found this photo of mine with an alfa romeo convertible, taken in Singapore. I was of course looking for some other photo - but this brought back a surge of feel good - oh if only I could get back to that life - who knew things will degrade and leave me in the state I am today...a total pauper...
3. Found the photo I was looking for...the one taken in Bintan, me, him and the baby...it seems I can spend my life looking at the photo (ya of course, for this will never be a reality in my life right? I just gotta get punished for no fault of mine - or just cause myself pain by bringing in blame for things I haven't done, which just accidentally happened - ya that's gonna be my life - whereas the perpetrators of my destruction live on in super bliss) - but then...amid all bitterness, oh I had that life, I had that time even if for once...If only my heart hadn't turned into stone because of the turn of events, I believe I could have cried with joy seeing the photo.
4. Watched Bhool Bhulaiya on the TV (once again - can't help quoting yet another chat at yet another point in time with yet another person I had loved and trusted - me: kalki movie kaisi tthi he: mast...dont go by rating me: ok ok he: badiya movie thii) and just longed to listen to the song আমি যে তোমার one more time...went to youtube...the streaming was ok but the audio got distorted after a while. And out of sheer madness I groped in my purse and fished out the iPod.
I know tomorrow will be another of those horrible days when I won't even feel like waking up. I am certain these days that I am gradually getting into the grip of permanent depression - I just don't feel that urge anymore - begging hurts man - nobody helps. The bastards will give lecture - oh you shouldn't have left your job, you see it is a pyramid - there is less space on the top - bloody hell I am not interested in knowing the corporate structure in India, be it pyramid or rectangular parallelopiped - if you can help me do that else go to hell. You know D'bhai, I feel the entire world is living in their own sweet dream, they don't realize reality. Oh it is just happening to her, it will never happen to me, I am this perfect smart ass you see. I know you'd tell me, language Mamon. What can I do D'bhai - I just don't wanna leave my parents and go back to Bangalore. This is the only bit of family I am left with - anyways the rest of my life after them is going to be maddeningly lonely - why doesn't God let me have at least this much? You understand na D'bhai, all I need is some work, some work that won't get on my nerves, or make me feel belittled - any respectable bit of work, for which I don't need to beg. I hate begging D'bhai...I don't know why the world turns me down like this?
Wanted to watch both Highway and অভিশপ্ত নাইটি - but then couldn't bring myself up to get out of home - I told you its getting worse - I feel so guilty to enjoy life without a job. If things continue like this, I am sure I won't be going out for Durga Puja next time...will it really come to that?
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