Never thought I’d venture out to write such poetic stuff at
this age. For how on earth can I deny that I am middle aged. It is entirely a
different story that I never feel my age. I don’t feel any bit more than 20 –
perhaps even younger. The most important reason behind that is perhaps the fact
that I didn't experience the stress involved in having a family with someone entirely
unknown, or at most half known. For in no relation of love can you know your
fiancé fully enough before marriage. But look at me, I have all familiar people
around me, I know them from the time I was born, or perhaps in case of my
brother, 4 years later – but that hardly counts. I know them substantially – so
their idiosyncrasies don’t weigh down on my mind to that extreme extent, which
can bother my childishness. Ya, I have grown aged for a while during the
turmoil I faced in my relationships, in my last organization, office stress was
also there…but then, you know what – all those things apart, I was always able
to live life on my conditions – that’s what has kept me fresh for so long…
And nowadays life is absolute bliss – if you’d believe me,
apart from the occasional depression caused by this jobless existence, life
really couldn’t have been better. I am so surrounded by nature and technology –
two things I cannot do without. Here, birds come and peck on my window and
close by, the hustle bustle of metro construction is going on. Amid all the
constraints Kolkata, my birthplace, is transforming. I learn things I have
always wanted to learn, I play a lot of patience, and read a lot of books. I do
errands for mom once in a while, get on the nerves of my granny by insisting
that she does more exercise (poor thing can’t even walk properly and I make her
do a 1 hour work out – you see after I have come back I can see her getting
stronger and more lively) and then once dad comes back home I am always being a kid
and throwing tantrums – who will then say that I am 34?
So, in course of this uncharacteristic youthfulness, I
suddenly discover a very strange thing. A thing I have been waiting for since a
long long time – and if it has ever happened in between, frankly speaking I
missed it, and can’t recollect. Flash back 1998-99 – Dil To Pagal Hai J J
Ha ha, guessed the direction I am going to take? But then,
it is all because of my granny. She doesn’t eat rice on full moon days (some
custom to be followed by Hindu widows) – and since these days she is becoming a
bit forgetful, she keeps asking us, when is the next full moon day? So that is
how I suddenly realized, why, Valentine’s Day is on a full moon’s day
today. All those dialogues, all those
stupid fantastic beliefs – that you are supposed to meet your soul mate on a
Valentine’s day that falls on a full moon day (over that due to my widespread
idle reading, I also learnt this concept of super moon – and that this month
there is only the full moon, no new moon) – and scenes and dialogues and songs
from DTPH so fills up my mind that I cannot help humming aloud J Trust me, I laugh at
myself for being so crazy after having seen so much in life – I must be absolutely
incorrigible.
But then what’s the harm in being happy? As it is, there is
hardly any reason left in life for me to be happy. I am 34, without a job,
without a boyfriend, never married, never had proper sex even (thank God I
don’t have to write here “never been kissed”), completely cut off from the
society (self imposed or whatever – that’s a fact, and I cannot also change the
fact that I am basically shy and cannot reach out), hardly have a friend (apart
from those phone calls and chats and mails where does a concrete real life
friend exist for me?) – in all it is no life at all, it is indeed, end of a
life. Still I can’t be sad. Yes, I have stopped dreaming, stopped hoping for
good things to happen, over that my health is gradually failing however much I
try not to take notice of it – still why need I let my frustrations reign
supreme? Yes, happiness doesn’t agree well with me – last time I was happy when
that guy was supposed to come and see me – I had almost convinced myself to say
yes to the proposal – I so much wanted a different life than this one, that I
had forgotten all about my resolution of waiting forever for my soul mate –
man, soul mates don’t happen, I’d tell myself, get going with this guy if you
wanna have a healthy kid before 35…and I had almost consented to my own coaxing
– whence the guy came, saw, and rejected me L
Although Ananya told me that there’s nothing wrong in that rejection, everyone
has their right to choose, I was so so broken down. There goes my last chance
of getting married – I thought and brooded. And practically too – I know it is
not gonna happen. Who will find me? And I can’t go begging for everything on
earth – give me a job, give me a husband – what do I look like? A clown?
So, another Valentine’s Day coming up. As it is, there is
this strange cuckoo, who coos in the midnight – I doubt if anyone other than me
can hear it – it’d start around 2 am or so and keep cooing and won’t let me
sleep. So Mr. Soul Mate, will you please care to turn up? Otherwise, what else,
once today is over, once again I’d return to my normal “duck face” state. I'd tell myself, girl, husband is such a bother...what if he snores? And over that kids, they cry, they wake you up in the middle of the night...leave all those things...giving birth itself is so exhausting...and then God forbid, if the kid falls sick, you won't be able to eat or sleep, if he is late in returning from school, you'd be sick with worry - girl, how blessed you are to be single...and I'd make a face at myself, but still, sigh and accept that this is my life...I have to live with it, God hasn't given me a normal life...
I know, but still, how does it matter if for just a day...I am happy and romantic...and I dream?
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