Why I love this "Bahe Naina" song to this ultimate extent, I can't say. All I can say is that once I put on this song, there is nothing else that can replace it. The next thing I can tell you is that I am at my wit's end. Never in my worst nightmare did I think that life will come to this standstill. But it has. There is nothing going on in life and frankly it looks hellish. You see, hope is the fuel that drives life, and at present, I am totally, utterly hopeless about my future.
Nothing is positive in the job front, and I am now what - around 3 months going without a salary. I am not sure what will work out - and frankly speaking I have tried everything I could. At the same time I am definitely not strong enough to go back to Bangalore and live alone. No - that very thought itself stifles me thoroughly. I still hate that city. For whatever reasons, I firmly believe that had I not been stranded in that city alone, without my parents, people could never have taken advantage of me way they did. I would rather not cause myself more misery by going back there.
But then, Kolkata also doesn't embrace me. It is a listless life here as well. At times it thoroughly chokes me up. May be it is all my problem - I can't reach out? But then you see, as I have always written here, I believe in miracles. I wait for a miracle, as it happened in O Henry's stories. And it bitterly hurts when the monotony never breaks even for once. I get scared of hoping and dreaming, and want to close my world, so that it is impermeable to future acts of injustice and ignorance to me. But then the threat that comes first and foremost in my mind is, will I live in this self imposed cocoon? How can I? As much as the heart needs fresh air to breathe, and the brain looks for fresh thought to mull over, I as a normal human being seek companionship. People to talk to, to sympathize, to reach out. Why do everyone ignore me so, why doesn't anyone give me a chance? Yes, I have my towering ego, yes, I cannot tolerate lesser beings, yes, I cannot step out and ask. But should that dry up all my chances at socializing? I don't understand why people behave in the way they do. It is a busy and strange world, since I have no particular business of mine currently, they consider me a stranger.
Those days look like a dream. When I had friends, I went out and roamed around to my heart's content, I could cry, and laugh and had friends to whom I could share my emotions and feelings. Bossie used to tell me, that it will do if you have at least one person to share your thoughts with - it shouldn't just stay in your mind. He used to be a simple person then (I don't know about him now) - and he used to understand life in his own simple way. And I used to accept his thoughts so wholeheartedly, I never questioned those ever. Now, when I reflect - I realize, finally I have reached the worst possible situation - I don't have a friend. None, except Ananya. Ananya is a person whom I will be able to tell even the most shameful tales of my life. But then, she is this busy person with her own complexities of life, and I dare not disturb her all the time.
I am a difficult girl - even my parents don't understand me. I get exasperated, shout and make a scene, since they are well habituated with my ways, they simply forgive me and ignore my agitation. I am left on my own to comfort myself - I shed incessant tears and know not what to do. Life, as it seems today is such a long and dark affair that I dare not walk on. And I wonder, I am a living, breathing, healthy soul, is there nothing I can do, that can make some difference, instead of withering away like this? I am so shy and introvert, social work is not for me. A family life would have suited best - but then, perhaps my estimate of myself is wrong. For I have always been good looking and talented enough for people to make friends with me - I don't know where I lack that people won't select me for a family life. About the corporate life where I have been successful so far - it all seems unfamiliar now. I don't know if at all I will ever be able to go back there.
Thus, I usher in the new year without a trace of expectation. All I have realized is, life is not fair to everyone - but you still have to accept it. There were this cat and two kittens who used to play in the foyer of the house next to us. Idle as I am most of the time, I gulp down on the serene visuals that my surroundings present. This being a quiet locality, you can see the cows grazing, the birds chirping and pecking at fruits in the trees, there's this papaya tree and betel nut tree in our own garden which I can't stop admiring, and then you occasionally see ducks with a speck less complexion much whiter than the cows, a long tailed blackbird whose name I don't know, some dogs and puppies and sparrows - and along with all these, there was this small cat family. Today, everything is same as before, only one kitten died suddenly. Most probably it was attacked by some bird of prey (I have seen vultures here too). Now, tell me, the cat and the other kitten, do they have anything to do about this mishap? They have to live on, everyone else will live on too - just that poor kitten had to die. May be my story is like that. Only, I don't get to die, like that poor kitten who lost its sibling, its first friend in its first formative days, and will perhaps never be able to appreciate happiness in life, I will also have to settle for a drab, merciless existence. Questions will forever remain unanswered, কেন হলনা? ভাগ্যে ছিলনা ! And the case gets closed.
Nothing is positive in the job front, and I am now what - around 3 months going without a salary. I am not sure what will work out - and frankly speaking I have tried everything I could. At the same time I am definitely not strong enough to go back to Bangalore and live alone. No - that very thought itself stifles me thoroughly. I still hate that city. For whatever reasons, I firmly believe that had I not been stranded in that city alone, without my parents, people could never have taken advantage of me way they did. I would rather not cause myself more misery by going back there.
But then, Kolkata also doesn't embrace me. It is a listless life here as well. At times it thoroughly chokes me up. May be it is all my problem - I can't reach out? But then you see, as I have always written here, I believe in miracles. I wait for a miracle, as it happened in O Henry's stories. And it bitterly hurts when the monotony never breaks even for once. I get scared of hoping and dreaming, and want to close my world, so that it is impermeable to future acts of injustice and ignorance to me. But then the threat that comes first and foremost in my mind is, will I live in this self imposed cocoon? How can I? As much as the heart needs fresh air to breathe, and the brain looks for fresh thought to mull over, I as a normal human being seek companionship. People to talk to, to sympathize, to reach out. Why do everyone ignore me so, why doesn't anyone give me a chance? Yes, I have my towering ego, yes, I cannot tolerate lesser beings, yes, I cannot step out and ask. But should that dry up all my chances at socializing? I don't understand why people behave in the way they do. It is a busy and strange world, since I have no particular business of mine currently, they consider me a stranger.
Those days look like a dream. When I had friends, I went out and roamed around to my heart's content, I could cry, and laugh and had friends to whom I could share my emotions and feelings. Bossie used to tell me, that it will do if you have at least one person to share your thoughts with - it shouldn't just stay in your mind. He used to be a simple person then (I don't know about him now) - and he used to understand life in his own simple way. And I used to accept his thoughts so wholeheartedly, I never questioned those ever. Now, when I reflect - I realize, finally I have reached the worst possible situation - I don't have a friend. None, except Ananya. Ananya is a person whom I will be able to tell even the most shameful tales of my life. But then, she is this busy person with her own complexities of life, and I dare not disturb her all the time.
I am a difficult girl - even my parents don't understand me. I get exasperated, shout and make a scene, since they are well habituated with my ways, they simply forgive me and ignore my agitation. I am left on my own to comfort myself - I shed incessant tears and know not what to do. Life, as it seems today is such a long and dark affair that I dare not walk on. And I wonder, I am a living, breathing, healthy soul, is there nothing I can do, that can make some difference, instead of withering away like this? I am so shy and introvert, social work is not for me. A family life would have suited best - but then, perhaps my estimate of myself is wrong. For I have always been good looking and talented enough for people to make friends with me - I don't know where I lack that people won't select me for a family life. About the corporate life where I have been successful so far - it all seems unfamiliar now. I don't know if at all I will ever be able to go back there.
Thus, I usher in the new year without a trace of expectation. All I have realized is, life is not fair to everyone - but you still have to accept it. There were this cat and two kittens who used to play in the foyer of the house next to us. Idle as I am most of the time, I gulp down on the serene visuals that my surroundings present. This being a quiet locality, you can see the cows grazing, the birds chirping and pecking at fruits in the trees, there's this papaya tree and betel nut tree in our own garden which I can't stop admiring, and then you occasionally see ducks with a speck less complexion much whiter than the cows, a long tailed blackbird whose name I don't know, some dogs and puppies and sparrows - and along with all these, there was this small cat family. Today, everything is same as before, only one kitten died suddenly. Most probably it was attacked by some bird of prey (I have seen vultures here too). Now, tell me, the cat and the other kitten, do they have anything to do about this mishap? They have to live on, everyone else will live on too - just that poor kitten had to die. May be my story is like that. Only, I don't get to die, like that poor kitten who lost its sibling, its first friend in its first formative days, and will perhaps never be able to appreciate happiness in life, I will also have to settle for a drab, merciless existence. Questions will forever remain unanswered, কেন হলনা? ভাগ্যে ছিলনা ! And the case gets closed.
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