Grief is indeed somewhat like cancer. It eats you up from within, whereas otherwise, from the outside you are well enough. And grief never comes alone, it brings along with the fear of being grieved yet another time. Since you already know well, exactly how it feels, you shudder to face it again.
Dear God, I forbid You to push me to the brink. I want not a life...it's been a while since I understood that I am not worthy of one. But at least let me exist and breathe. I have been killing all my desires anyways, do you really need to humiliate and punish me more?
And this is the time when I tell myself, I won't succumb to the pettiness of the world.
Otherwise I am fine. I am happy with my not so perfect life, and my so very perfect ego. To nurse which, I put at stake every other single thing on earth, that I seemed to possess. That's perfectly fine with me - my ego is the most extremely important thing to me.
Apparently things that are minuscule seem to hurt my ego, which has apparently battled much more significant situations. Our part time cleaning person, for example. A chance unthinking remark from that uneducated nobody has the power to take me down to deep crevices, when I can survive more lofty blows quite easily. And what did he say? He informs me happily - so and so friend of my dad, who uses his services as well, has married off both his daughter and son, and now lives free of responsibilities - all he does is to go every month and avail his pension. Does it hurt more because the blow is directed towards my dad instead of me? The good man, to protect whom I can give my life, yet all I manage to do is to prove him a failure at his social duties?
I keep remembering that scene in Life In a Metro - the scene where he teaches her to shout, when her frustrations reach the limit, and she shouts out with all her might. But that's not all. Starting right from my childhood, I remember a 1000 insignificant things. Like, a random line from one of my very first poems,
বল না পদ্ম আসছেন মা? বল না ও মোর শিউলি সই? দেখতে তাঁরে মন যে কাঁদে, দশভুজা মা আসে কই? (strange how I remember only this line, and nothing before or after!), the colorful history notes (magenta, turquoise, green, I would get all colorful pens for myself, perhaps to lessen the monotony of taking notes - but ya, I loved history as a subject). My mind becomes a warehouse of memories. I remember things like - how Anand used to love grapes, and when he'd be very hungry and unhappy, and wouldn't know what exactly he wants to eat, I'd take him to a roadside fruit vendor, and he'd finally zero down on grapes.
The last few days didn't go too well. Granny fell down and got stitches on her head - that too, all this happened at 4 in the morning. The entire ordeal at a hospital emergency is so so draining. I don't know how doctors manage to build their nerves. The birthday josh was quite dampened because of this, but otherwise went well. Birthdays are safest to be spent with parents, and parents as loving as mine make all the more difference. All wishes apart, I happened to realize how futile and short lived relationships are. Apparently most friendships are a mumbo-jumbo of buttering and give and take. And love is even more curious. For I again happened to wake up in the morning of my birthday with a dream of Boo fresh in my memory. The usual dream where he is just present in my vicinity, though he doesn't talk to me. Why, after so many days, he still matters even this much, I fail to understand.
No job yet, and as was expected, the sudden positive surge that happened last week regarding my job search, has totally died down. Driving classes are over, just the final exam for license remains, which is supposed to be held sometime next month (oops, that's next year too).
So what made me cry and be so vulnerable tonight? I am still staying up, it is going to be 3:25 in the morning. Last time I cried was because of the showdown with Deepti, that's anyways settled. She at least didn't ignore me on my birthday, though I must say she's no better otherwise. I feel at times that my only friend on earth is Ananya. She is a sister and a soul mate. What would I have ever done without her undaunted support?
So, then what? That gentleman, whom I hate to the core because of his permanent absence from my life? The one who was not supposed to leave me alone like this? The one who apparently shines like the sun and paints up the parting of my hair with vermilion, but all only in my imagination. Aah, God, as I told you, THIS is not fair. DO NOT do this to me. DO NOT try to revive me - it just kills me all the more.
I am almost scared of this particular self of mine, full of self torture and obstinacy. Sickly and soul searching for one song that'd comfort me and sympathize. Frankly, I love myself too much to see me in such a condition, barely able to breathe. Oh Mother Nature, why had you to create the female species?
Dear God, I forbid You to push me to the brink. I want not a life...it's been a while since I understood that I am not worthy of one. But at least let me exist and breathe. I have been killing all my desires anyways, do you really need to humiliate and punish me more?
And this is the time when I tell myself, I won't succumb to the pettiness of the world.
Otherwise I am fine. I am happy with my not so perfect life, and my so very perfect ego. To nurse which, I put at stake every other single thing on earth, that I seemed to possess. That's perfectly fine with me - my ego is the most extremely important thing to me.
Apparently things that are minuscule seem to hurt my ego, which has apparently battled much more significant situations. Our part time cleaning person, for example. A chance unthinking remark from that uneducated nobody has the power to take me down to deep crevices, when I can survive more lofty blows quite easily. And what did he say? He informs me happily - so and so friend of my dad, who uses his services as well, has married off both his daughter and son, and now lives free of responsibilities - all he does is to go every month and avail his pension. Does it hurt more because the blow is directed towards my dad instead of me? The good man, to protect whom I can give my life, yet all I manage to do is to prove him a failure at his social duties?
I keep remembering that scene in Life In a Metro - the scene where he teaches her to shout, when her frustrations reach the limit, and she shouts out with all her might. But that's not all. Starting right from my childhood, I remember a 1000 insignificant things. Like, a random line from one of my very first poems,
বল না পদ্ম আসছেন মা? বল না ও মোর শিউলি সই? দেখতে তাঁরে মন যে কাঁদে, দশভুজা মা আসে কই? (strange how I remember only this line, and nothing before or after!), the colorful history notes (magenta, turquoise, green, I would get all colorful pens for myself, perhaps to lessen the monotony of taking notes - but ya, I loved history as a subject). My mind becomes a warehouse of memories. I remember things like - how Anand used to love grapes, and when he'd be very hungry and unhappy, and wouldn't know what exactly he wants to eat, I'd take him to a roadside fruit vendor, and he'd finally zero down on grapes.
The last few days didn't go too well. Granny fell down and got stitches on her head - that too, all this happened at 4 in the morning. The entire ordeal at a hospital emergency is so so draining. I don't know how doctors manage to build their nerves. The birthday josh was quite dampened because of this, but otherwise went well. Birthdays are safest to be spent with parents, and parents as loving as mine make all the more difference. All wishes apart, I happened to realize how futile and short lived relationships are. Apparently most friendships are a mumbo-jumbo of buttering and give and take. And love is even more curious. For I again happened to wake up in the morning of my birthday with a dream of Boo fresh in my memory. The usual dream where he is just present in my vicinity, though he doesn't talk to me. Why, after so many days, he still matters even this much, I fail to understand.
No job yet, and as was expected, the sudden positive surge that happened last week regarding my job search, has totally died down. Driving classes are over, just the final exam for license remains, which is supposed to be held sometime next month (oops, that's next year too).
So what made me cry and be so vulnerable tonight? I am still staying up, it is going to be 3:25 in the morning. Last time I cried was because of the showdown with Deepti, that's anyways settled. She at least didn't ignore me on my birthday, though I must say she's no better otherwise. I feel at times that my only friend on earth is Ananya. She is a sister and a soul mate. What would I have ever done without her undaunted support?
So, then what? That gentleman, whom I hate to the core because of his permanent absence from my life? The one who was not supposed to leave me alone like this? The one who apparently shines like the sun and paints up the parting of my hair with vermilion, but all only in my imagination. Aah, God, as I told you, THIS is not fair. DO NOT do this to me. DO NOT try to revive me - it just kills me all the more.
I am almost scared of this particular self of mine, full of self torture and obstinacy. Sickly and soul searching for one song that'd comfort me and sympathize. Frankly, I love myself too much to see me in such a condition, barely able to breathe. Oh Mother Nature, why had you to create the female species?
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