Trust me, it does get a bit beyond me at times. This constant dreaming - about someone I don't want to dream about. He is not a part of my life any more, except that yes, it is supposed to hurt when a part of you is yanked out and served to someone else. But that's it, and I am not going to let it torture me beyond that. Then oh why do I dream so much about him. It is as if I can't open my eyes, and head is splitting, still I want to hold on to the stupid dreams. I grope in my medicine box, I need a painkiller badly. The strip is torn, I can see manufacture date as Nov 2009 and expiry date is not visible. Hell should I have it, it must well have expired by now (I particularly made it a point to stop having painkillers long back - because I heard somewhere that they can impact pregnancy) - Then I laugh aloud like a maniac and pop the pill. What, I will die? I won't have a baby? Anyways that's exactly what's going to happen. Why bother.
You'd be amazed to know that even in those stupid dreams he doesn't happen to love me. Most of the time I am apprehensive in them. That he'd steal away to one of his sweet girls and leave me alone. I open Facebook for timepass, and see my friends who look like models, have jobs, fat paychecks, husbands and kids, and if no kid, then it is by choice. They are my batchmates, we are supposed to be of the same age, they look like college girls and I look like an old, tired and trodden hag. I hate the mirror, I want to hurl a stone at it. I hate the way I count money and make various plans - to grow it a bit so that I can sustain life. All those plans tell me I am never going to spend my money, never going to enjoy life. I remember the happy girl who had gone over to visit the Skoda factory 1.5 yrs back. Situation was exactly same, but the immense pain of betrayal was not there. I still had a mind sane enough so as not to think of every person on earth as non trustworthy, and think of God taking pleasure in being nasty with me. I hate it, I am going berserk - I cannot survive these last few days - please ask him to go away, I hate the sight and sound of him...Boo Boo I hate you, I hate you - please go away.
You'd be amazed to know that even in those stupid dreams he doesn't happen to love me. Most of the time I am apprehensive in them. That he'd steal away to one of his sweet girls and leave me alone. I open Facebook for timepass, and see my friends who look like models, have jobs, fat paychecks, husbands and kids, and if no kid, then it is by choice. They are my batchmates, we are supposed to be of the same age, they look like college girls and I look like an old, tired and trodden hag. I hate the mirror, I want to hurl a stone at it. I hate the way I count money and make various plans - to grow it a bit so that I can sustain life. All those plans tell me I am never going to spend my money, never going to enjoy life. I remember the happy girl who had gone over to visit the Skoda factory 1.5 yrs back. Situation was exactly same, but the immense pain of betrayal was not there. I still had a mind sane enough so as not to think of every person on earth as non trustworthy, and think of God taking pleasure in being nasty with me. I hate it, I am going berserk - I cannot survive these last few days - please ask him to go away, I hate the sight and sound of him...Boo Boo I hate you, I hate you - please go away.
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