Don't know what had happened to me on Friday - I have hardly ever felt so sleepy at office. Around 6 I was almost hitting the table with my head...and I decided to make a move. I just kept praying I should get a seat in the bus, and doze off till I reach forum, where I was supposed to meet my brother for dinner.
On came a Volvo, with people standing in it - nowadays I am not that much of a miser to shy away from Volvos - I spend a lot of money on myself. Situation has forced me. January 2011, I found myself in such a soup that either I had to stop going to office and give in to my depression, or I had to go to office in an auto and spend around 3.2% of my daily earning (had it not been for that auto - I'd have lost my earning altogether, so it seemed pretty justified). Even today, you should see me getting up in the morning. I would keep sleeping or lazing on the bed as long as I can, and then get up at the Nth moment, if I even attempt to take a bus after all this, is there a point reaching office after lunch? So I kick myself out of the bed by 9 AM, debate on whether to skip the bath or the tooth brushing, more often than not end up doing both and by the time I hit the road and manage to coax an autowallah to go to my office area (some people make such sad faces that you'd feel you have asked them to go to a jungle or a desert or even on the moon - and average number of failure ranges from 5-10 before the first success) - it is already well past 10, and I consider myself lucky if I reach office by 10:30.
But that's neither here, nor there, except that I spend money these days - and why shouldn't I, when I am a 2.5 times Rupee millionaire. But then why to spend money on a Volvo and go standing? So I skipped it. On came the next bus, with no number, and curiously displaying, Koramangala Depot 15. All I saw were the numerous empty seats, and just sleepily asked, Forum? The driver nodded, and I went on board. On came the conductor, and I asked the ticket price. He said 13. Usual Forum tickets are 11 these days - and since I won't let myself be fooled, I asked, isn't the ticket price 11 usually? The conductor confidently replied, there is no 11 Rs ticket only in his bus. I didn't have more energy to argue, was too much in a hurry to fall asleep, so I paid the money without more ado. But alas, I couldn't fall asleep. For I soon discovered that the bus was not going to take the usual Double Road route, it was going for the Audugodi route.
And since these days I pride myself in stealing happiness from almost anything, I became happy at the very thought of going home via a new route. Alas...it was not new. Soon everything on the road would tell me it was not new. It was the road which Boo used to take, when he dropped me home from TKML. Everything about the road was extremely familiar, and given the circumstances, almost nauseating. I steeled myself and would melt down seeing the very next thing. And then, BOOM it went. The tree stood in front of me, and the bus decided to get stuck in traffic just there. Believe me or not, the entire scene was literally getting replayed in front of my eyes. "Boo I need a flower" - I had started long back. It was so that office had decided to celebrate woman's day 5 days late, but the celebration went well, what with games and gifts and a pink dress code, and finally giving each participant a rose bud. Now I had come dressed in pink and all, don't mistake me, all set to attend the celebrations, but stayed on in the client place because I didn't care to leave him and go. But news soon reached about the rose bud, and I needed that all the same. He was like, no..no..no. We stopped for our usual dinner at Konark, the no went on (it was a Tuesday, Konark had candle light dinners on Tuesdays - and frankly speaking by some strange coincidence we'd always end up there on Tuesdays without any pre-planning). I kept bugging him with undaunted spirit, and lo and behold, screech brakes the bike, a branch almost crashes on both our heads, I scream in fear, Boo, what happened? only to find him breaking off a stem of pink Bougainvillea and handing it over to me - here's your flower. I was dumbfounded, so many things I keep asking him, knowing fully well he'll never relent, did he just fulfill one of my wishes?
The bus kept standing, my hand went on to my heart, then my face, and then fell on my side, as if I have died once more. The day when he'd given me the flower last year, he's gonna get married on the very same day this year. Is 1 year that long a time?
With the hole in my heart bleeding profusely, I reached forum, and after a stint of curious cosmetics shopping (I feel like doing skin care these days), KFC seemed the only healing point and joint. As I munched on my chicken, again a memory came back. 5th October, he just did some changes to a diagram I was working on for a proposal and went upstairs. The salary hike letter had come in that same week, and my brother wanted a treat in KFC. I left early that day, not meeting him again - not knowing that we shall never meet again in the same way. I had no way of knowing, he never told me, never gave me a leeway for mental preparation. Yes it was I who had told him, don't mention your girlfriends or would be wives, I become jealous. But then, when did he listen to me so sincerely?
Days seem never ending - and there is so much freedom. I can do whatever I want. No waiting indefinitely for an improbable meeting if he wishes. My life is in my control. But who wants it God dammit? And why?
Oh didn't you know? The God damned suitcase is the reason. I bought it for a whopping 11.5 K bucks last April before my last onsite visit. If I leave earlier than April, I have to pay the full amount back, because it was office sponsored. I go to office everyday and coexist with my ex - who is like emanating happiness by virtue of his oncoming marriage, and die a hundred deaths every moment, stung by the pain of lost love, only to salvage that 11.5 K. And then? Then if it is humanly possible, to complete 10 years of my career, which happens on July 31st. Unbroken track record by a broken girl :) Like Arjun, I see the bird's eye only. April end, and then July end. April end for another reason too. It is his birthday. I had promised him a birthday cake. Something that has never happened in his life. He has actually never cut a cake on his birthday. I had promised to myself, that my Boo will not lose out on a single happiness in life that I can provide for him. So you see, for those kids who give up seeing the first glimpses of inhumanity, look at me. I endure...I never give up...but yes I never expect. Boo, I shall never ask another man for flower, that is a promise.
