Last Sunday was a perfectly happy day for me. Literally one of those days in the pink of health. I had been happy revising some Poirot stuff, and in the afternoon, went to Crossword and got a new stock of books. I'd spread them on my bed and proudly observe my collection, in a much similar way as I used to observe new shoes in my childhood. Then, curiously enough, out of the entire collection, I had picked up a Mary Westmacott, something I haven't read before. I openly admit my awe for Agatha Christie. Especially her skills at analyzing human nature. I always felt she could write wonderful novels on human relationships, had she not entirely concentrated on crime thrillers. Well, wanted to examine whatever little she did manage to write out of her genre.
So thus the week began. Monday was a holiday, alone in the flat, I lazed and read the book. But then, even when you are apparently happy with this zombie existence, in the back of mind perhaps you still look for a change, a so called normal life. That led to the quarrel with dad - I have never flinched in pointing out errors in anybody, and for most of them I have told in the face. Loneliness doesn't bother me. I am ok with a lonely world, where I have severed ties with everyone with my outspoken and frank words.
But then, in the three days that followed, why couldn't I speak to him? Why couldn't I tell him that he's the greatest alive brute on earth? He is a creep, a person without backbone, he has every right to do whatever he wants with his life, but he should never have taken the liberty to do what he did to me, when he was never sure of himself. I have to live with this maimed soul for the rest of my life, he will happily move on - and that's not fair, not at all fair. But I couldn't tell a word, oh I couldn't tell a word. There was only love, love that needs no word for expression, and hatred, pure solid hatred beyond all words, which gleam in your eyes like scorching fire.
And then yesterday, things went even worse. All of a sudden there was a mandate to go to Ghana for some telecom requirement gathering. Not my domain, not a proper time and mental state to take up an onsite assignment. And the entire thing is happening, because the person who was supposed to go for it is having a marriage in early March, so he has refused to go. No prize for guessing which person. How long should I keep salvaging him at my cost? There was a mutinous NO - which kind of hampered all prospects of at least the apparent stability I was trying to bring in my professional life. What I hated most was the way I had to say, in a pleading tone, to my manager - you have no idea how much I am trying to simply make ends meet. I have never had to speak so publicly of my woes till now - the fact that I am suffering, at least never before in my workplace. I remember choking once during an appraisal discussion, trying to tell Vipul, that this work is everything I have, to get me going through the day, else I won't know how to spend my time. That did show a lot of helplessness, but not to this extent.
All this while, there was only one vague dream that kept me going. I won't give up my everything only because this relationship has failed, I shall at least keep working till August and celebrate 10 years of my career. At least something that has been right in life. Right and good. But I guess even that is not on the cards anymore.
Oh how thrilling life must be, when you are on a rocking boat amid the storm. And what peak the thrill reaches, when the boat is about to sink. Ever since the mishap in 2006, I am living in chunks. And I told myself, how I deserve it completely, every time I lost my willingness to live. After all I killed someone to have a life for myself. In God's world of justice, this is the life I should deserve. The life Voldemort or Lady Macbeth had. But then, what about people who have killed me? Won't they ever be punished? Or are they supposed to be angels who were only carrying out God's diktat? On these pages only, I had once written, there should be more people like Karthik. I wonder what the world would be like if there are actually more people like Karthik...I am horrified even to think about that...
But then, he is but a human being. He has both a God and a demon in him. If I love him, I can't only love the God part of him, na? I have to love the demon as well, give it so much love that it realizes, that it is better to give way to the God part. I wonder if that will ever happen. Because you see, there are some races who worship the demon and are very happy with the demoniacal way of things.
Tell you what, conscience is the rarest and most non existent thing on earth as on today. for the third time God, I am telling you, reason I never retaliate to the human beings who hurt me, is, they won't understand. You will understand, so I hope...and we really need to talk things out.
So thus the week began. Monday was a holiday, alone in the flat, I lazed and read the book. But then, even when you are apparently happy with this zombie existence, in the back of mind perhaps you still look for a change, a so called normal life. That led to the quarrel with dad - I have never flinched in pointing out errors in anybody, and for most of them I have told in the face. Loneliness doesn't bother me. I am ok with a lonely world, where I have severed ties with everyone with my outspoken and frank words.
But then, in the three days that followed, why couldn't I speak to him? Why couldn't I tell him that he's the greatest alive brute on earth? He is a creep, a person without backbone, he has every right to do whatever he wants with his life, but he should never have taken the liberty to do what he did to me, when he was never sure of himself. I have to live with this maimed soul for the rest of my life, he will happily move on - and that's not fair, not at all fair. But I couldn't tell a word, oh I couldn't tell a word. There was only love, love that needs no word for expression, and hatred, pure solid hatred beyond all words, which gleam in your eyes like scorching fire.
And then yesterday, things went even worse. All of a sudden there was a mandate to go to Ghana for some telecom requirement gathering. Not my domain, not a proper time and mental state to take up an onsite assignment. And the entire thing is happening, because the person who was supposed to go for it is having a marriage in early March, so he has refused to go. No prize for guessing which person. How long should I keep salvaging him at my cost? There was a mutinous NO - which kind of hampered all prospects of at least the apparent stability I was trying to bring in my professional life. What I hated most was the way I had to say, in a pleading tone, to my manager - you have no idea how much I am trying to simply make ends meet. I have never had to speak so publicly of my woes till now - the fact that I am suffering, at least never before in my workplace. I remember choking once during an appraisal discussion, trying to tell Vipul, that this work is everything I have, to get me going through the day, else I won't know how to spend my time. That did show a lot of helplessness, but not to this extent.
All this while, there was only one vague dream that kept me going. I won't give up my everything only because this relationship has failed, I shall at least keep working till August and celebrate 10 years of my career. At least something that has been right in life. Right and good. But I guess even that is not on the cards anymore.
Oh how thrilling life must be, when you are on a rocking boat amid the storm. And what peak the thrill reaches, when the boat is about to sink. Ever since the mishap in 2006, I am living in chunks. And I told myself, how I deserve it completely, every time I lost my willingness to live. After all I killed someone to have a life for myself. In God's world of justice, this is the life I should deserve. The life Voldemort or Lady Macbeth had. But then, what about people who have killed me? Won't they ever be punished? Or are they supposed to be angels who were only carrying out God's diktat? On these pages only, I had once written, there should be more people like Karthik. I wonder what the world would be like if there are actually more people like Karthik...I am horrified even to think about that...
But then, he is but a human being. He has both a God and a demon in him. If I love him, I can't only love the God part of him, na? I have to love the demon as well, give it so much love that it realizes, that it is better to give way to the God part. I wonder if that will ever happen. Because you see, there are some races who worship the demon and are very happy with the demoniacal way of things.
Tell you what, conscience is the rarest and most non existent thing on earth as on today. for the third time God, I am telling you, reason I never retaliate to the human beings who hurt me, is, they won't understand. You will understand, so I hope...and we really need to talk things out.
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