So near to death, yet not able to die…because you are so beautiful…

How can someone be so strikingly beautiful? How can someone not change…even by a wee little bit…in all these years. I remember Edward, I remember Bella’s fear…of growing older than him…growing very very old beside him – the evergreen person.

Now of course I don’t have such a fear. I don’t have the right to grow old with him. But still…I am overwhelmed. I never thought I’d meet him again…all these days…in desperation…I wanted to see him…see him just once…for one tiny little while…

Strangely I remembered Rajkahini today in the morning. All of a sudden….with no context whatsoever. I remembered Subhaga…I remembered Gayeb and Gayebi…I remembered Aditya, the Sun God. The first time she met him….he said…you can see me only one time….next time you call me…you die. And gave her twins, a son and a daughter. When they grew up, when Gayeb wanted to know his father…he questioned his mother’s purity…she had to call him again…call her life…call her death.

And thus you came…sealing my fate. My doubts, my questions. Whether things should change…whether I can give up. Now I have to give up. Accept my fate…whatever it be…and wait for that afterlife. An afterlife where I share you with nobody. Where I am at least a little more beautiful…to be able to stand by your side. But you know what…I know that you never bother about whether I am beautiful or not. What you are to me, I am to you. May be you are sitting in one corner now…and thinking…doesn’t she change ever? She stills looks like the plump doll she used to be.


Emotions and visions come running to my mind. The last time we met…when was it? Some two years back…more than two years. Shall we meet again? Do we get some time to sit and talk? You know my state of mind?

- So near to death, yet not able to die…because you are so beautiful…

In love lies the salvation

I am no preacher. But I can see the dearth of love. Everywhere. Everyone is being moved only by selfishness. Who is there who even unconsciously practices "love thy neighbour" ? These days I read a lot. I watch a lot of movies. Typical past times of a girl who has got nothing else to do. No social life whatsoever. But then...as I read...I feel...hasn't there been enough cruelty already. My favorite scene when I go out on the roads, is an act of kindness to an animal. A car slowing down to provide time to a slow moving cattle, a man giving a biscuit to a stray dog...I think...what is the animal's fault that humans have become so civilized? It's their world as well...what if they can't interpret traffic signals? What if we waste plenty of food while having our own dinner, still won't spare any for a hapless stray creature.

Think less about your misforture...well off man. Think of those who never have time to ponder over their condition, they have to work so hard merely to sustain life. I hate my hi tech job, long for my parents company, long for a stable well settled life...and I agonize everytime I have to get up early in the morning. And then I hear that familiar scream of the paper wala...PAPER...See I told you...he perhaps dint even get enough time to crib...he got up in the morning...saw that there's no rice to feed the little ones...took out his heavy bag and went out screaming...at the top of his voice.

I was telling mom the other day...mom, people complain that God has not given them enough. Arre even God has such a huge empire...in His justice, He gives whatever possible to everyone...how can anyone ever think of billions of people at the same time. He also tries to find a best way out. Like we all do.

And tell you what...if you want to live happily...never let go of that four lettered word HOPE.

Taking the decision

When I was deciding to quit my first job...it was easy. Life was much more difficult and demanding at that point of time...but decision was easy. I din't think twice before walking out of the exam hall in protest of some wrong/out of syllabus/out of protocol questions, jeopardizing my master's degree...but didn't have a thought then. I walked out of the university in protest of my supervisor's behavior, not giving a damn about my first job...I was always ready to protest.

But then, I was a 24-25 year old girl, who never thought of looking back. She knew that the world is waiting for her. Think of the time...dad was barely earning...every now and then he'd resign from his job out of exasperation, bro was still studying, and still I could nurse my ego. Now that I never fear starvation at least for one year...even if none of us in the family work or earn...still..I just can't put down my papers. Am I so greedy. Is this package so luring?

Or perhaps it is the helplessness. I know I might not have a future now. Might not ever get married. My bro might not be taking care of me when mom n dad won't be there. And anyways even in the present day, what savings do mom and dad have? The proud girl, at the onset of receiving her 3rd degree, thinks, what if I don't get another job? What if I lose the security I am having. What is there now is bad enough...but what if it turns worse? The world is so so full of vultures. ..

God give me some courage. I just can't take this job anymore. When I went for my interview with microsoft, there was a painting with a caption - a vacation is what you take, when you can't take what you have been doing till now anymore. I do need the vacation.