Sleeping alone...

D'bhai, this is the last time I am going to write something that I've been trying to tell you for ages. I even wrote it in bits and pieces in a very cryptic language and then later forgot to save it even, let alone post it. I blamed him for this - I tell you everything these days and so my blog has lost its importance.

I think a lot of things. How will it feel like when I have to again start living without his presence in my life. With only these worries, to do lists, movies, books, songs, and...memories...only memories...

Last night, after reading his mail, I didn't feel like replying. I just wanted to dwell on it and enjoy the residual happiness. He smiling at my strange ideas of unrequited motherhood - the dearest of my secrets. 

I heated the food, served dinner, washed the utensils and continued with my nighttime beauty routine, all the time, going on thinking about him, us, and our dreams and dilemmas; I didn't commit a lot of mistakes in my regular chores, albeit I put on my day cream instead of night cream. A very small thing right? I just looked well made up in the middle of the night. But I was plump, old and definitely not a lovelorn teenager, what I feel like these days. 

And not a teenager who can be loved by him. Who can expect him to fall in love with her. So much nearness, so much sharing, such understanding - maintaining secrets together. This creates a bond right? What is the definition of that bond?

I don't know D'bhai. All I know is that I can't sleep alone and I have to sleep alone. I can't dare sleep with anybody else because I'm afraid that I'd mumble his name in my sleep. I fall asleep with his thoughts and wake up to them. While I sleep I belong all the more to him. I tell myself all the time to feel detached but God knows how crazy I am for him. I think unthought of things about us, things I've never ever felt for any other man.

But I'm grown up now right? If not now then when? I'm grown up and matured. So I know I can't do anything about this. My hands are tied. I have to take all my love, longing, lust and faith to my grave. Sorry, funeral pyre.