A real Harry...

I have always loved that anecdote in Harry Potter, where he digs the grave all by himself, without using magic, and buries Dobby, and on the tombstone, he mentions that Dobby's been a free elf...

As my dad was digging the grave with our driver, to save the little puppy from facing more disgrace after his death, I looked on fascinated. I was not allowed to help much. Just smoothed the grave and put a red flower on it...I just kept witnessing how my father was being a real Harry. The only thing that defines my dad is, when he loves, he loves selflessly...

This is for him, and for the little puppy he has loved so much...God bless both of them...

The darkness...

I am tired of death...period.

Above all else, I can't take the death of my doggies. And today Kalo died. Just like that. He has not been eating properly for quite a few days. We thought that the summer heat is bothering him, now that it has finally rained, he'd start eating. He came this morning, drank some water, and then dragged himself just outside our house premises, and simply died.

So good bye sweetheart, and I guess I shall stop loving...people, dogs, everyone...

I wonder what God wants to achieve through this? Train me, about losses and death? About minimizing expectations? About always being fearful and speculative about what worse might happen on a particular day? I don't know...

Dear God, I know that death is the ultimate truth. Please don't kill my little doggies to prove that. They are yet to see life. Please spare them...let them enjoy the usual events of life, all the seasons, and then call them back when time is ripe...for them. Please please give the rest of them a healthy life to live...I'm tired.

I got tired of my friend too...I don't want to comment on his attitude, may be it is not in my good taste to show off my care beyond what I have already done. I'd rather kill the care and concern I feel for him and stay aloof, no one knows more that me the worthlessness of unwanted affection.

The city of Kolkata is suffering from the psycho skeleton crisis. The characters in the story seemed to have lost direction in life. I wonder if I am in the same situation...am I a psycho too? No, I guess not. I prefer life, not death. Once my doggies die, I wish they get a decent burial/cremation (the sweeper comes twice or thrice per week at our place - the great Kolkata Metropolitan Corporation you know) as soon as they die. My poor baby, he just died like that...I'm really happy at times that I don't have a Rupai to worry about...stay happy in your afterlife, dear...be the ever-hungry, vigorous and vivacious doggy you have always been...love you lots...

The postscript...

Today I won't sleep. In fact I shouldn't sleep. It is a rare freedom day. I am free. From my "so called" job. It is a contract job, and I'm kinda free from it as the contract expired yesterday. "Kinda" because, my "so called" bosses expect me to phrase my own extension letter, get a print out in the project letter head, and get it signed by them. And I have decided not to do that.

What do I want to do man? I want to do some work...I can't sit idle. I want to have a workplace where I am treated with dignity. Once in a while these guys forget the fact that I'm not their God forsaken student or research fellow. I manage their project, and they have no right to boss over me or speak audaciously. Oh the self pity of being treated like a glorified clerk after having 3 professional degrees...

My work is the only thing that stops me from dying. Else I'd be dead by now in this rotten rotten world. Loathing the things that never should have happened, worrying about what might happen next, I'd have simply died. Oh the effort and the torture, to find happiness that is playing hide and seek...

At times I feel very empty. A hollow, conceited girl. Who's very precious to herself. Who loves herself, and forgives people and still expects good things from God. But who doesn't care to dream anymore. But that's not me. Very much like me, but not me...I'm still a fighter, but the fight bores me...

I want to travel, go back to my corporate life, may be...may be. I want to read my books, I anyways get plenty of time for that. I want to maintain my beauty routine, well I am doing that better than ever. I want to be the best, but what is being the best? Being shown on TV (CNBC TV18/NDTV Profit) discussing your company's revenues? I'm by far the best in my project anyways...then what is it that I want?

A husband, a kid? And then, 20 years of non stop excitement with my family, and then? Some more life, at least for the next 20 years? Not having to struggle to find a reason to live?

To get rid of my fears, to be able to confidently drive my car (get rid of that wretched driver?)...To watch my movies? To listen to my songs, way I loved "mitwa" today? Or "piya na rahe mann basiya" the other day?

One thing I simply love is to feed my doggies and talk with them. I love my old memories too...they make me happy only...

I wish I'd have a friend, preferably from the opposite sex. I guess that's all I want. A good guy...not a husband...just a friend...who cares to talk to me, and understands my pulse (leaves me alone as and when required, i.e. if he doesn't need me badly right then)...

Sigh! Goodnight!