Something snapped...

Just had one of those "memory" trips. When things come back to you...

Wasn't this the day when I had traveled to Singapore? 2007, how many years back would it be? My first ever flight, and my first ever trip outside India. I was trying to live...after having committed a crime.

And I still live. A crooked, twisted life, a friendless, worthless life, but I still live. I finished "Gone Girl" today, with an effort. I can't concentrate at storybooks like before. I feel all the time that I have been defeated. I don't have a single good thing to look forward to, my salary is back to what I earned when I started earning - all 10 years of professionalism gone to vain. And I can't even take revenge...সুখে আছে যারা, সুখে থাক তারা ...is the stupid mindset I possess.

Yes, it hurts all the more because the loneliness is back. I'm not destined to friendship. But what pains is, even last night I didn't realize that I'm going to lose my only friend amid all this darkness. Today, I just felt my feelings dying a silent, lonely, unceremonious death. I just felt something snap inside me, and I did nothing. I just went on reading, like a zombie. Just went on playing Candy Crush, not wishing anymore to win the round before all lives are lost, in fact, cutting off a game midway in sheer frustration. More reading. Time to feed the Talking Tom cat. I like playing the Happy Face game there - at least get to see some smiles. Scolded the puppies, opened the window a bit, and talked to them, they were squabbling over food as usual. The two housewives at the house next to us, who were throwing leftover food to them, exchanged looks, hearing my voice. They decided not to look up, not to look at my direction. They don't understand me, I am not of their category. More reading. "Mom, I am hungry..." - devoured some fruits. Then some soup. Then some rice. Then some sweets. Bid them good night. came up to my room...loneliness strikes again...and I read more...I can't stand it after some time...need to write...where else, my faithful blog. It felt so much better writing to a real person, for a change, but what to do, when the person has decided that he won't even give me that space. Some more tears, I put on the AC, my only luxury. And I long for some rain. And I long for death. But I know I am not allowed to die...it won't ever be that easy for me...I shall try again and fail, try again and fail, just keep failing, and keep dying small small deaths, every single day of my life...because I haven't learned to give up.

Why do I feel that God belongs to the male species? A female God could never have been this unjust...

The talk time - that mustn't get over...

I am feeling terribly strange today. Really really strange. When I was returning from the university, the car had to swerve along the front gate of SRFTI, given the ongoing metro constructions. And I distinctly saw him, laughing along with a crowd of friends (or admirers?) and walking out of the gate. One of my ex-crushes.

Flashback 29-October-2013. I had gone over to HDFC bank, Santoshpur branch, to open a joint account with dad. I was pissed off with ICICI. It was one month of unemployment…I was not that terribly upset. Still had a mind for the subtle joys in life. Dad was worried about how I’d return home from there (my dad!)…and the car was still 11 months away. He got me into an auto and left for his office. The auto broke down in front of SRFTI. I got down. The auto driver apologized profusely. There were two other gentlemen who were traveling with me and constantly discussing how autocratic the government in a neighboring country is (they shoot right away, take the accused in a stadium and shoot them, with people watching…) – they felt similar things should happen in India to check corruption. The two “righteous” uncles got down and walked off without paying the fare. I paid him the full fare (shoot me). My house was anyways walking distance. I ducked from the speeding vehicles on EM Bypass and looked back at SRFTI…and gave one of my characteristic romantic smiles. At the same moment I hit myself on the back of my head playfully – the ever incorrigible me. Told myself…even this could be another reason I came back to Kolkata?

Even then I didn’t know…even now I don’t know…the real reason why I came back. All I know is that there must be some reason. Something inexplicable. Something very very complicated. 

Because the fact remains that I didn’t meet him at the right time. I couldn’t save him from the agony he never deserved. And frankly, had I met him at the right time, (may be on that day, near the bank, or on my way to Jadavpur...I have thought about it a bit...we did coexist in the city, with similar broken hearts even then...) – he wouldn’t have cared for me even the wee little bit that he cares now. For I am too insignificant compared to him. Our sufferings bring us together, otherwise we are no match for each other. Our sufferings, that we got to know are similar...because we finally met...albeit at the wrong time...at a time which couldn't reverse anything any more. Then, need we have met at all? I wonder. I have no answer to that. I'm just happy that we met.

He gives me the luxurious sense of feeling contented. A gentleman who himself is right now at his all-time low spirits. And whose presence in my life is through a couple of lines he writes to me very sparingly. But with this mere “lack of absence” he induces in me something very close to exaltation. He says he cares for me, but not in as “special” a way as I expect. Do I expect anything from him? The answer is a purely uncomplicated “NO”. Least of all, to be treated specially. For you see, way he interprets it, “specially” means “pitifully”. No, I am happy the way he treats me. A casual acquaintance, probably even lesser, but still he treats me with respect, honesty and transparency. The virtues that I never got from the people who boasted of loving me. “Never thought that I’d get such a fair girl”, “you’re the most intelligent girl on earth”, and then dump and never look back. No man, I don’t need to be special. Never again in this life time. Thank you very much. Just be my friend. That will do…

At times, a little bit of talk time means a lot…

Morning shows the day...

Have you ever felt the very subtle kind of irritation: No, I don't feel like doing anything whatsoever anymore...?

No, the morning was definitely not like that. But let's begin from last night. Or probably give a backdrop.

Way I talk about uprooting a tree, I kinda uprooted a problem that was bothering me for a while. Kolkata, when I came back jobless, was lonely. I had that once upon a time boyfriend, who used to call me frequently, and suddenly I realized that he's after all, taking advantage of me once again. I am weak and unsure and insecure, and he is trying to gain leverage. I stopped talking with him. Then, apart from couple of school friends (Ananya, Pamela and basically the list ends there) and once in a while chat with my long distance friends (in Bangalore, in the US), there were no friends. Only struggle for existence. And then came the job. And subsequent reunions - with folks I knew from the department. And I accepted their friendship, the once upon a time boyfriend included, though I clarified my stand in precise terms. There are all specimens among my (so called) friends. One of them had insisted he'd rent me one of those DVDs (in our college days, just so that I could check out the stuff) because in his opinion, (watching) it gives you absolute calm and takes away all your worries (therapeutic, I must say). My answer: thanks, but no thanks, I live with my parents and I can't spoil the environment of my home...There was one more, who had actually touched me inappropriately inside the computer lab, and when I was debating with myself whether to take it up with him or if that was purely unintentional, he came up to me and asked, "how did you feel?" Trust me, at this point of time I really don't remember how I answered him, but since the stuff doesn't really weigh on my mind, I guess I had answered him in a tit for tat way (pun intended).

After our reunion, I kinda accepted back the very same people in my life, not close friends, but friends alright. We formed a Whatsapp group, and good morning and good night messages would come in. Ask a lonely soul like me, you'd get to know how those very small messages can make you feel in touch with the human society. I was never very interactive (except with the "undefined" guy - and though I feel almost all the time that I am forcing myself on him - but still I feel a natural ease with him, and an occasional outburst with Asha or Deepti or Ananya or Seema or Anitha - my girl friends who basically know me well as a person, I can't be too expressive, and yes let's leave my ex-es out of the list - which girl doesn't talk with her guy?)

And then those jokes started floating, first a little polished, then crude, then absolutely blatant. I started feeling uncomfortable. Not knowing what to do, I mentioned it to the "undefined" gentleman. No response as usual. I talked with my once upon a time boyfriend. "I'll see what I can do, you don't post anything to the group for a while" - and then he requested the guys to add another girl (married) from our batch. There were protests - oh her husband will object to the things we talk about. Talk about shamelessness. And my so called counselor gave a smiley (a smiley!!!) on hearing this. Of course, I don't have a husband, so I am a soft target. Even after this (imagine the extent to which I am tolerant and friendless, both), I observed the situation for one full week. Yesterday I moved out of the group. Without saying a word, and deleted all the conversations from the group as well. There was a message from the admin guy (the "how did you feel" guy) - asking me why I left...I ignored the message.

Afterwards, the night was beautiful. I feel good when I prove to myself that I am a strong girl. Must have been seeing some pleasant dreams when the door opened and the maid stepped in. "What time is it?", I asked lazily, reaching out for my phone. "Oh, it is just 7:30, I came early today..." and I went back to sleep. Once again some more dreams (I never remember good dreams after I wake up, if it has some dark streak, then only I can recollect), and then I finally go down for breakfast. It was always supposed to be a lazy Sunday. And in my over-imagination, it was supposed to be a happy Sunday too...then why this irritation? Is the untimely heat getting on my nerves, or the low internet speed, or for once, I want you to be something other than "undefined"? I don't know if you'd be happy losing me, but I definitely won't want to lose my only friend...on whom, I force myself, whatever, I never feel I am being a burden...

Please don't take away my only lease of life...