I have been away for a long time. And apologies if I sound like the mad hatter today. Raving, incoherent, nervous. Actually, I needed some music to ease my agitated mind, and after going through the choices youtube gave me (from my usual playlists), I ended up choosing one of my most favorites, Koi Fariyaad (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uUCkBIelSjM) - but at the same time, one, I haven't heard for ages - well, I do not listen to music these days, right? This reminds me, I must put my iPod on charge (I don't, remember when I charged it last, probably 3 months back) - I need it as a medicine today, or else I won't be able to sleep tonight.
I have been terribly fidgety in the last few weeks. And I was depressed too. Somehow, I couldn't make out what I am supposed to do with this life. There was this consistent void, despite everything I'd try to do. Mid of last month, I was excited about the car, then it died a natural death because of the constant resistance from my family, and I also gave in to my calculative nature and did an FD on the last big chunk of liquid cash. 25th August was the website launch date, and that kept me busy for a while. I made a customary visit to my uncle - মামা (who is like my friend, philosopher and guide) to discuss about getting the car, and associated stuff, only because I don't tend to take any big decision without asking him, but in my heart of hearts was not sure if anything concrete would materialize finally. Then early September went with the sudden and unexpected interview call (on which I received no further update ever again - though the interview went quite well), the imminent launch of the newsletter, followed by the unwanted controversy (that we are not highlighting the so called lead partner enough), and on the official front I was dealing well with the situation, with diplomatic (and duly caustic) mails, but then, as soon as I'd reach back home, I was again enshrouded in nothingness.
Then for few rare moments, there was softness, there was a pink hue, there were dreams. It was my best friend's birthday. And how I wanted to get my car right on that day. As if to break all boundaries that separate us right now. As if to tell him, through this simple act, just how important he still is to me. But then the plan was abandoned. It seems no transaction is preferred to be done on the particular Bengali calendar month in which his birthday falls...and I couldn't break free my parents of the superstition...as I was was too shy to explain my real reason of preferring the particular date.
The next week, the alleged month was supposed to end. But before it would end, one of the worst attacks on humanity and independence was made on the students of my university, when they were beaten up in the middle of the night as they peacefully protested for their rights. And as I was bringing in the last item of my materialistic dreams (Own a House, Own a Car, Get an MBA Degree and Become a Project Manager by 30...well it took just 5 more years to fulfill it all), the students who are like my own brothers and sisters, or perhaps even children (now that in some remote capacity, I teach them as well), brought about a new revolution altogether, in a city that had almost died out of its utter selfishness. I am really grateful about being eye witness to this new surge of life and conscience that has swept this city which had quite accepted the anarchy that is going on, in a very indifferent sort of way, even till a few days back.
It keeps raining incessantly. I feel as if I am being reborn - I might have mentioned here too many times already, how important rain is in my life. The same me would remain quite unaffected, even irritated, when it would rain. Not anymore. Today, I love hearing the rain and the thunder, as I write here. It brings about strange sensations I haven't felt in the last 7 years...
Today, I cleared the payment for my car. As I wait for its delivery, scheduled to happen in one week's time, I shiver with apprehension. I keep remembering, quite theatrically, that famous saying from Spiderman, "with great power, comes great responsibility". Not bad for an apparently loser of a girl in her personal life, to have achieved this much professionally, to have her conscience and sense of gratitude intact, to have never hurt someone intentionally, and to have been this dedicated child to her parents. I remembered all the dear people in my life, those who have been my friends now or in the past, even people like Meenu (I really wanted to call her today and share my joy, but stopped myself because I know the reality only too well), Anand (and his lectures about car assembling and engineering), Boo (and our crazy argument about that Chevrolet Beat and the two dogs in the back seat), friends and relatives whom I have loved and lost, and those who are still there for me in a rock solid way. I am happy today, despite being torn, feeling unprotected, uncared for and lonely, I do appreciate the fact that I have fought it well and been a very brave girl - it is not easy to fulfill your dreams (yes, even the materialistic ones) in a world that shuns you...
I am living on, and I am living well...thoroughly enjoyed the little bit of Puja shopping that has happened this month (and yes, must say this despite my various differences with the ruling party, বিশ্ব বাংলা is one commendable effort from this government). And ya, the couple of classes that I have taken till date felt great too. Was quite happy to have met the banker guy who rejected me, regarding the car loan (which I didn't have to take finally, all thanks to my brother), and to have properly snubbed him (he knows lesser banking fundamentals than me, and I enjoyed making him nervous).
Well, on the flip side, I still have trouble concentrating when I am reading, the nerves are so wrought with tension that let alone driving, I am out of balance even when I am walking or sitting on the side seat of an auto, I close my eyes in fear when a large bus comes about from the opposite end, the vertigo takes on me suddenly...but I know that I will learn to drive steadily, and that too...very soon. I am not ashamed of my weak heart...I have learned to survive. Dark shadows that shake me up so, cannot consume me, and that in itself is a huge victory.
To celebrate the landmark day that today is...I plan to put up this photo here, which I discovered from a very old collection, while looking for a suitable picture of mine to be put up in our website. Yes, I know I am barely recognizable in it, but I want to end my anonymity, even if in this very subtle way. You know why I chose this? This is so truly me...the perfect reflection of what I am...from deep within... :)
I have been terribly fidgety in the last few weeks. And I was depressed too. Somehow, I couldn't make out what I am supposed to do with this life. There was this consistent void, despite everything I'd try to do. Mid of last month, I was excited about the car, then it died a natural death because of the constant resistance from my family, and I also gave in to my calculative nature and did an FD on the last big chunk of liquid cash. 25th August was the website launch date, and that kept me busy for a while. I made a customary visit to my uncle - মামা (who is like my friend, philosopher and guide) to discuss about getting the car, and associated stuff, only because I don't tend to take any big decision without asking him, but in my heart of hearts was not sure if anything concrete would materialize finally. Then early September went with the sudden and unexpected interview call (on which I received no further update ever again - though the interview went quite well), the imminent launch of the newsletter, followed by the unwanted controversy (that we are not highlighting the so called lead partner enough), and on the official front I was dealing well with the situation, with diplomatic (and duly caustic) mails, but then, as soon as I'd reach back home, I was again enshrouded in nothingness.
Then for few rare moments, there was softness, there was a pink hue, there were dreams. It was my best friend's birthday. And how I wanted to get my car right on that day. As if to break all boundaries that separate us right now. As if to tell him, through this simple act, just how important he still is to me. But then the plan was abandoned. It seems no transaction is preferred to be done on the particular Bengali calendar month in which his birthday falls...and I couldn't break free my parents of the superstition...as I was was too shy to explain my real reason of preferring the particular date.
The next week, the alleged month was supposed to end. But before it would end, one of the worst attacks on humanity and independence was made on the students of my university, when they were beaten up in the middle of the night as they peacefully protested for their rights. And as I was bringing in the last item of my materialistic dreams (Own a House, Own a Car, Get an MBA Degree and Become a Project Manager by 30...well it took just 5 more years to fulfill it all), the students who are like my own brothers and sisters, or perhaps even children (now that in some remote capacity, I teach them as well), brought about a new revolution altogether, in a city that had almost died out of its utter selfishness. I am really grateful about being eye witness to this new surge of life and conscience that has swept this city which had quite accepted the anarchy that is going on, in a very indifferent sort of way, even till a few days back.
It keeps raining incessantly. I feel as if I am being reborn - I might have mentioned here too many times already, how important rain is in my life. The same me would remain quite unaffected, even irritated, when it would rain. Not anymore. Today, I love hearing the rain and the thunder, as I write here. It brings about strange sensations I haven't felt in the last 7 years...
Today, I cleared the payment for my car. As I wait for its delivery, scheduled to happen in one week's time, I shiver with apprehension. I keep remembering, quite theatrically, that famous saying from Spiderman, "with great power, comes great responsibility". Not bad for an apparently loser of a girl in her personal life, to have achieved this much professionally, to have her conscience and sense of gratitude intact, to have never hurt someone intentionally, and to have been this dedicated child to her parents. I remembered all the dear people in my life, those who have been my friends now or in the past, even people like Meenu (I really wanted to call her today and share my joy, but stopped myself because I know the reality only too well), Anand (and his lectures about car assembling and engineering), Boo (and our crazy argument about that Chevrolet Beat and the two dogs in the back seat), friends and relatives whom I have loved and lost, and those who are still there for me in a rock solid way. I am happy today, despite being torn, feeling unprotected, uncared for and lonely, I do appreciate the fact that I have fought it well and been a very brave girl - it is not easy to fulfill your dreams (yes, even the materialistic ones) in a world that shuns you...
I am living on, and I am living well...thoroughly enjoyed the little bit of Puja shopping that has happened this month (and yes, must say this despite my various differences with the ruling party, বিশ্ব বাংলা is one commendable effort from this government). And ya, the couple of classes that I have taken till date felt great too. Was quite happy to have met the banker guy who rejected me, regarding the car loan (which I didn't have to take finally, all thanks to my brother), and to have properly snubbed him (he knows lesser banking fundamentals than me, and I enjoyed making him nervous).
Well, on the flip side, I still have trouble concentrating when I am reading, the nerves are so wrought with tension that let alone driving, I am out of balance even when I am walking or sitting on the side seat of an auto, I close my eyes in fear when a large bus comes about from the opposite end, the vertigo takes on me suddenly...but I know that I will learn to drive steadily, and that too...very soon. I am not ashamed of my weak heart...I have learned to survive. Dark shadows that shake me up so, cannot consume me, and that in itself is a huge victory.
To celebrate the landmark day that today is...I plan to put up this photo here, which I discovered from a very old collection, while looking for a suitable picture of mine to be put up in our website. Yes, I know I am barely recognizable in it, but I want to end my anonymity, even if in this very subtle way. You know why I chose this? This is so truly me...the perfect reflection of what I am...from deep within... :)
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