It’s been raining a lot since last weekend. And as usual the
rain makes me happy, except of course everyday troubles of managing a household
– which I hardly knew earlier. Like there was no water – some problem with the
bore well (actually the rain came as a boon because we could save up the
rainwater in buckets and use that). Today finally the plumber came and mended
things. I didn’t go to the university today. Not that I had a lot of
supervision to do, in fact I slept off in the afternoon which cured my headache
and the pain in my legs. If I come to think of it, it is a pretty cool life.
The last project is over, the next project is yet to begin (though I am not
100% sure whether I’d be getting that project, general opinion is that I will
get it) – and I am free enough to read Harry Potter every night till my eyes
close in slumber. Today, after I woke up – I watched two full matches of IPL
after a long time. I get ample time to read the newspaper end to end before I’d
leave for work in the morning. In the rare occasions that I don’t manage that,
I get back in the evening and make sure I finish the remaining bit of reading.
This in addition to the messages my TOI app keeps sending. Back in Bangalore
this was unthinkable. If at all I had less work, I’d probably get a little
while to browse the net, but sitting back and reading the news in the paper
format has its own vintage pleasure – and as you know, it is top priority for
me to stay updated on the news.
Meanwhile, I am enjoying the proposal work and I had two
sessions of banking lecture already with my ex colleague (the same lady who
once tried to boss me over and I fought with her and didn’t accept her as my
manager). Well, given the fact that her banking knowledge can be described as
very close to zero, I had a good time bossing her over (we should ask these
questions, we should think about these bottlenecks and complicacies). And you
know, I have a soft corner for my previous domain of expertise. It is not a
very easy domain, and I have learnt it all on the job – so I understand it in a
very functional way. Pity that it all will go to a waste only because of the
lack of prospects in Kolkata. Really, it is such a dismal job market. Over that
the socio political scenario is ever worsening. I quite find our current
government to be a mini lady-Hitler governed Nazi in the making – you say one
word against it and you are behind the bars and wash your hands off your career,
reputation and general peace of life, whether you are a government official, a
dignitary, an artist, a professor or a commoner (a mere morning walker or a
farmer). I am scared of what would happen if this autocracy is not nipped in
the bud. Talk about একুশে আইন, you really won’t find a better example.
Given the apparently happy life, I was hugely upset
yesterday. I finally gathered courage to speak to my colleague whose husband
has recently been diagnosed with cancer. And as soon as I approached her desk,
first thing she asked me was, “how’s your feet now? Wait, wasn’t it the right
leg? It is still swollen…” I was awestruck with the simple fact that she is
capable of asking this question despite her present mental condition. We had a
long chat, whence she told me about how she has been lying to her husband all
the while, whereas she is not a very good liar. She told me how he is suffering,
how he is not able to eat despite being hungry, and how this has been going on
ever since her husband had the bypass surgery 3 years back. One medical
emergency after the other, and she is not exactly rich, she’s just in the
support function in the university. She went on to say, may be God is trying to
test just how much she could handle. Long after the conversation was over and I
had returned home, I kept feeling restless. I just didn’t know how to react to such
a heart wrenching manifestation of pain. I call myself an unhappy soul? Look at
this lady who’s still fighting with all her might and won’t give in. Kudos to
her courage – and a dumb petition to God, do You really need to do this?
This was yesterday. Day before yesterday, I spent a very
enjoyable hour with Avik-da. He was passing the university campus, called me up
and came over to meet me. It was kinda strange, to meet him 10-11 years down the
line in the same setting. And both of us missed the third musketeer like hell.
We three used to work together in my first job, and if I come to think of it, maybe
it is my longest lasting friendship apart from with Ananya and Pamela, both of
whom are school friends. In fact, to some people, I keep introducing Avik-da as
my brother, coz it is a proud feeling to tell people that such a talented
person is your brother. Well, he wanted
to sit and chat for a while, and I took him to the dilapidated looking canteen
where I usually go with my current colleagues. As we ordered cold coffee, it
started raining. It rained for a long time, so we ended up having some ঘুঘনী with chopped onions (you may say it is a Bengali equivalent of Chana Masala)
followed by a bottle of Slice. We talked mostly about smart phones, I showed
him the paintings I had done on my phone, he had a hearty laugh seeing them and
also drew a cartoon of himself for me – which he called his self portrait. I
happened to ask him why he is getting so negative, and solicited him to return
to Kolkata, he called himself selfish and got irritated. After the rain
stopped, we came out and he lectured me a bit about the sculptures around us and
their various inconsistencies. We finally took leave of each other quite
unceremoniously. But later in the night, as I was idling away on my bed, I
realized the romanticism that the lunch in the rain generated. Had it been any
other man, I’d have had fond romantic memories of that time spent together. Not
Avik-da, because I simply can’t think of him in a loverly way. But I did feel
all the more, how much I need a man in my life. It is not only because I am sex
starved, in fact except the occasional bouts of desire I have, I am not really
very inclined on the sex part of it. Problem is, I am pathetically straight not
only in my sexual orientation, but also my friendship orientation. I get along
well only with guys – except my girl friends who can be counted on my fingers, all
my friends have been guys so far. Now suddenly I find myself totally devoid of
male company, and the university is a conservative place with all senior and
married people (sigh, it’s been so long I have had beer, and I can bet none of
my colleagues here, male or female, would ever dare to drink publicly). Beyond that, I don’t socialize at all, moment
I am out of my work place, I catch a bus and get back home. I wonder if there can
ever be a solution to my problem, the only way I can stop guys from taking
advantage of me is by not indulging them in any possible way, and that leaves
this huge void in my life.
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