Year ends, finally...but nothing begins...

Why I love this "Bahe Naina" song to this ultimate extent, I can't say. All I can say is that once I put on this song, there is nothing else that can replace it. The next thing I can tell you is that I am at my wit's end. Never in my worst nightmare did I think that life will come to this standstill. But it has. There is nothing going on in life and frankly it looks hellish. You see, hope is the fuel that drives life, and at present, I am totally, utterly hopeless about my future.

Nothing is positive in the job front, and I am now what - around 3 months going without a salary. I am not sure what will work out - and frankly speaking I have tried everything I could. At the same time I am definitely not strong enough to go back to Bangalore and live alone. No - that very thought itself stifles me thoroughly. I still hate that city. For whatever reasons, I firmly believe that had I not been stranded in that city alone, without my parents, people could never have taken advantage of me way they did. I would rather not cause myself more misery by going back there.

But then, Kolkata also doesn't embrace me. It is a listless life here as well. At times it thoroughly chokes me up. May be it is all my problem - I can't reach out? But then you see, as I have always written here, I believe in miracles. I wait for a miracle, as it happened in O Henry's stories. And it bitterly hurts when the monotony never breaks even for once. I get scared of hoping and dreaming, and want to close my world, so that it is impermeable to future acts of injustice and ignorance to me. But then the threat that comes first and foremost in my mind is, will I live in this self imposed cocoon? How can I? As much as the heart needs fresh air to breathe, and the brain looks for fresh thought to mull over, I as a normal human being seek companionship. People to talk to, to sympathize, to reach out. Why do everyone ignore me so, why doesn't anyone give me a chance? Yes, I have my towering ego, yes, I cannot tolerate lesser beings, yes, I cannot step out and ask. But should that dry up all my chances at socializing? I don't understand why people behave in the way they do. It is a busy and strange world, since I have no particular business of mine currently, they consider me a stranger.

Those days look like a dream. When I had friends, I went out and roamed around to my heart's content, I could cry, and laugh and had friends to whom I could share my emotions and feelings. Bossie used to tell me, that it will do if you have at least one person to share your thoughts with - it shouldn't just stay in your mind. He used to be a simple person then (I don't know about him now) - and he used to understand life in his own simple way. And I used to accept his thoughts so wholeheartedly, I never questioned those ever. Now, when I reflect - I realize, finally I have reached the worst possible situation - I don't have a friend. None, except Ananya. Ananya is a person whom I will be able to tell even the most shameful tales of my life. But then, she is this busy person with her own complexities of life, and I dare not disturb her all the time.

I am a difficult girl - even my parents don't understand me. I get exasperated, shout and make a scene, since they are well habituated with my ways, they simply forgive me and ignore my agitation. I am left on my own to comfort myself - I shed incessant tears and know not what to do. Life, as it seems today is such a long and dark affair that I dare not walk on. And I wonder, I am a living, breathing, healthy soul, is there nothing I can do, that can make some difference, instead of withering away like this? I am so shy and introvert, social work is not for me. A family life would have suited best - but then, perhaps my estimate of myself is wrong. For I have always been good looking and talented enough for people to make friends with me - I don't know where I lack that people won't select me for a family life. About the corporate life where I have been successful so far - it all seems unfamiliar now. I don't know if at all I will ever be able to go back there.

Thus, I usher in the new year without a trace of expectation. All I have realized is, life is not fair to everyone - but you still have to accept it. There were this cat and two kittens who used to play in the foyer of the house next to us. Idle as I am most of the time, I gulp down on the serene visuals that my surroundings present. This being a quiet locality, you can see the cows grazing, the birds chirping and pecking at fruits in the trees, there's this papaya tree and betel nut tree in our own garden which I can't stop admiring, and then you occasionally see ducks with a speck less complexion much whiter than the cows, a long tailed blackbird whose name I don't know, some dogs and puppies and sparrows - and along with all these, there was this small cat family. Today, everything is same as before, only one kitten died suddenly. Most probably it was attacked by some bird of prey (I have seen vultures here too). Now, tell me, the cat and the other kitten, do they have anything to do about this mishap? They have to live on, everyone else will live on too - just that poor kitten had to die. May be my story is like that. Only, I don't get to die, like that poor kitten who lost its sibling, its first friend in its first formative days, and will perhaps never be able to appreciate happiness in life, I will also have to settle for a drab, merciless existence. Questions will forever remain unanswered, কেন হলনা? ভাগ্যে ছিলনা ! And the case gets closed.

The post-birthday trauma, and more...

Grief is indeed somewhat like cancer. It eats you up from within, whereas otherwise, from the outside you are well enough. And grief never comes alone, it brings along with the fear of being grieved yet another time. Since you already know well, exactly how it feels, you shudder to face it again.

Dear God, I forbid You to push me to the brink. I want not a life...it's been a while since I understood that I am not worthy of one. But at least let me exist and breathe. I have been killing all my desires anyways, do you really need to humiliate and punish me more?

And this is the time when I tell myself, I won't succumb to the pettiness of the world.

Otherwise I am fine. I am happy with my not so perfect life, and my so very perfect ego. To nurse which, I put at stake every other single thing on earth, that I seemed to possess. That's perfectly fine with me - my ego is the most extremely important thing to me.

Apparently things that are minuscule seem to hurt my ego, which has apparently battled much more significant situations. Our part time cleaning person, for example. A chance unthinking remark from that uneducated nobody has the power to take me down to deep crevices, when I can survive more lofty blows quite easily. And what did he say? He informs me happily - so and so friend of my dad, who uses his services as well, has married off both his daughter and son, and now lives free of responsibilities - all he does is to go every month and avail his pension. Does it hurt more because the blow is directed towards my dad instead of me? The good man, to protect whom I can give my life, yet all I manage to do is to prove him a failure at his social duties?

I keep remembering that scene in Life In a Metro - the scene where he teaches her to shout, when her frustrations reach the limit, and she shouts out with all her might. But that's not all. Starting right from my childhood, I remember a 1000 insignificant things. Like, a random line from one of my very first poems,
বল না পদ্ম আসছেন মা? বল না ও মোর শিউলি সই? দেখতে তাঁরে মন যে কাঁদে, দশভুজা মা আসে কই? (strange how I remember only this line, and nothing before or after!), the colorful history notes (magenta, turquoise, green, I would get all colorful pens for myself, perhaps to lessen the monotony of taking notes - but ya, I loved history as a subject). My mind becomes a warehouse of memories. I remember things like - how Anand used to love grapes, and when he'd be very hungry and unhappy, and wouldn't know what exactly he wants to eat, I'd take him to a roadside fruit vendor, and he'd finally zero down on grapes.

The last few days didn't go too well. Granny fell down and got stitches on her head - that too, all this happened at 4 in the morning. The entire ordeal at a hospital emergency is so so draining. I don't know how doctors manage to build their nerves. The birthday josh was quite dampened because of this, but otherwise went well. Birthdays are safest to be spent with parents, and parents as loving as mine make all the more difference. All wishes apart, I happened to realize how futile and short lived relationships are. Apparently most friendships are a mumbo-jumbo of buttering and give and take. And love is even more curious. For I again happened to wake up in the morning of my birthday with a dream of Boo fresh in my memory. The usual dream where he is just present in my vicinity, though he doesn't talk to me. Why, after so many days, he still matters even this much, I fail to understand.

No job yet, and as was expected, the sudden positive surge that happened last week regarding my job search, has totally died down. Driving classes are over, just the final exam for license remains, which is supposed to be held sometime next month (oops, that's next year too).

So what made me cry and be so vulnerable tonight? I am still staying up, it is going to be 3:25 in the morning. Last time I cried was because of the showdown with Deepti, that's anyways settled. She at least didn't ignore me on my birthday, though I must say she's no better otherwise. I feel at times that my only friend on earth is Ananya. She is a sister and a soul mate. What would I have ever done without her undaunted support?

So, then what? That gentleman, whom I hate to the core because of his permanent absence from my life? The one who was not supposed to leave me alone like this? The one who apparently shines like the sun and paints up the parting of my hair with vermilion, but all only in my imagination. Aah, God, as I told you, THIS is not fair. DO NOT do this to me. DO NOT try to revive me - it just kills me all the more.

I am almost scared of this particular self of mine, full of self torture and obstinacy. Sickly and soul searching for one song that'd comfort me and sympathize. Frankly, I love myself too much to see me in such a condition, barely able to breathe. Oh Mother Nature, why had you to create the female species?

Yet another entry!

How lazy can someone be? For the past few days I was continuously thinking of writing, but at the end of the day, won't find time. Don't ever think that unemployed people can't be busy. If you belong to a mad house like I do, you'd always have plenty of work to do. First it is entirely a tech non savvy house - where nobody cares for modern day banking. That precisely being the thing that earns me my bread (mind you - the interest that I earn today due to my FDs are because of that money itself) - I had to take a huge lot of trouble to transform the banking scenario of this house. And you know, in the rare occasions when I find in a certain bank and Fine Akkel screen, I feel this sudden pang, even if it is a lower version with which I hardly ever had anything to do, I feel this motherly affection towards a long lost or perhaps unborn child. It tells me, that even if in the worst case my career remains all of these 10 odd years, I'd always be proud, happy and contended about my work.
Then comes my driving classes. And Pupu Ray and all her love for a car apart - I simply don't drive well. Over that, I finally realize, that however much partial I am to the city of Calcutta, it is indeed more polluted than Bangalore. My immunity system simply couldn't fight the pollution here, and as a result I got an enormous attack of asthma last week. Had to stay up all night battling for breath, as the inhaler completely stopped acting. In the morning, went for nebulization to the hospital emergency ward, and they additionally and unnecessarily connected me to the ECG monitor. Quite a sight I looked. But the only good thing that came out of it all was that the doctor advised complete bed rest and I got 3 days off from my driving classes (good times always get over, so I have to venture out again tomorrow). Meanwhile I was getting dead frustrated with this lack of job situation. How long can an educated, healthy, unmarried female stay idle at home only with story books and newspapers to read, and computer games to play, tell me :P ?? Well, as it turns out, some days always are better than the others. In other words, some stretch of time always represent a crest, after considerable expanse of time that has been symbolic of the trough zone. So things moved a bit, some friends contacted on their own accord (my big fat ego won't allow me to contact them on my own), some mails were sent out, some applications done, some money spent for job services, some telephone calls. But mind you, still not even a hint of an interview. So, effectively nothing. And I remain as restless as ever with the BIG question, what exactly do I plan to do with the rest of my life?

In between, this new situation has come up and I feel even worse at its advent. More than worse, I feel strange. I know life and I don't trust it a bit. At the same time...it is like, my birthday is coming up, what is the harm in having 4 days of dreaming? Dreaming that things might not be that bad after all, and every cloud has a silver lining and blah and blah? Call me a coward, call me an escapist, I feel like not letting the dream go, at least for the next 4 days. And then, afterwards, again I will become my former self - which again, I have become quite accustomed to being. Till then, let me be this perfect egg, so obviously hard from the outside (until you crack it for the first time, would you ever know that it can be cracked so easily?) - revolting and fuming and so so tough, and so soft and bright and warm with hope inside, as the yolk. Poor poor Pupu Ray, such a long long life lies ahead of you...

Why do I like writing so much? And when do I write my novel, my masterpiece?