Meeting my idol!

25th November, 2013. Oh, I'd remember this date all my life. I met my greatest inspiration in person, one of those living legends who I feel has molded me into what I am today.

I was taking my driving lesson. The instructor (who, as I said, has become my friend already) hit the brake quite unnecessarily (yes, earlier, once I had driven the car into a small hillock of stone chips, but otherwise the day has been smooth so far - I was being a much lesser bundle of nerves than the day before). I knew not what has happened, and looked inquiringly. He smiled and called out - জেঠু ভালো আছেন? (Uncle, all good?) - and looked at me and said, আমার জেঠু (my uncle). Now, thoroughly bewildered about why I should be  introduced to his uncle in the middle of the class, I looked out of the window. The জেঠু who was apparently going to board a taxi, which was parked on the roadside, also peered in with a smiling countenance and appreciatively said, শিখছ (I see that you are learning). And at that very moment I got star struck for the first time in my life. Funny that an almost 80 someone can do it to you. I put my hands together in a নমস্কার,  and fanatically blabbered out - আমার কি সৌভাগ্য যে আপনার সঙ্গে দেখা হলো, আমি আপনাকে রীতিমত পুজো করি...(how blessed I feel to have met you, I literally worship you...) - he gave me yet another smile in return, and boarded the taxi. I called out, সাবধানে যাবেন - you may call it a Bengali equivalent of take care. And he went away and I started the car again.

Can't tell you after how many years I feel as if I am on seventh heaven. I called dad immediately after the classes were over, followed by a call to my brother.

Strangely enough, the day when Rituparno died, I prayed for a long time to God to keep my two other idols safe, Suman and Shirshendu. Suman, I have seen performing live long back - I was in school then. Not that I haven't met other dignitaries. Book fair is a place where you do see authors, I guess I have seen Suchitra Bhattacharya and Taslima Nasreen there. Once or twice I have seen Girish Karnad doing his morning walk, when I used to stay in Kota Manor in my early days in Bangalore. But seeing is not meeting, talking and expressing your awe and gratitude. I am so so proud and happy to have done that today. This gentleman has taught me to be imaginative, to live in a bubble and believe it to be true. As I have read each of his story, I have discovered never before kind of an innocent happiness. বনি, সোনার মেডেল, মনোজদের অদ্ভুত বাড়ি, গোঁসাইবাগানের ভূত, হেতমগড়ের গুপ্তধন - are each nothing short of a precious jewel to me. Even the last movie I watched, আশ্চর্য প্রদীপ is based on his short story (I have hardly ever read his work for the adults - however I remember borrowing this collection of short stories from some library and reading it). Actually Shirshendu is a person who keeps my childhood intact - whatever happens otherwise in the life of this forever immature girl, it is this magical childhood that helps her bounce back. There, if that is the case, then haven't I met God today?

I leave you with a BIG SMILE (oh, can she also smile?) and this wee small bit - this is not enough to understand why he is God to me - you need to read his work, you need to be a Bengali.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shirshendu_Mukhopadhyay

Gibberish from an idle brain...

Though frustrated to the core with this jobless existence, I am otherwise happy. At least it is not as bad as people had threatened me that it'd be. That neighbors and relatives would throng in and advice marriage (as early as possible, given my age) and discuss about their doubt that I must have been sacked (else, who in their right state of mind would leave a job in today's world?) Well, not that these things are not happening, but nobody dares to give me the lecture. They direct it to my parents and that too in my absence. And I have thankfully been able to train my parents to some extent, to take these criticisms in their stride.

But what about me? Am I going to stay this idle all my life? I shudder to think about that. But then, I really don't need to subject myself to the torture one more time. Society is a scare-word for me nowadays. I don't like anybody, period.

It is almost like an inner eye opening up. I can now clearly see the insecurities of everyone around me, which took me to the brink. I don't mind the fact that I finally fell weak and lost the battle. What I have done is wise enough. I needed this cocooned life to heal the wounds. But now that I am sufficiently cured, question that arises is that whether I'd allow the world to inflict pains on me one more time. Whether I go back to that lonely living in Bangalore or some other alien city, for the sake of a good job. Or whether I can settle for a lesser job here. Finally, the improbable, whether I can try and get a good enough job in Kolkata itself and lead a detached and mechanical work life and thoroughly enjoy the rest of the time with my family. As you can see, there are too many if's and but's, and frankly speaking, I am still not bold enough (and compelled enough) to take the first step. As I said, the money I am earning through interest is good enough for me. The first compulsion comes up when I see the ever increasing inflation. And come what may, I can't depend on anybody else for my sustenance, never have (except till the time dad paid up for my education, i.e. till 2003 July), and never will.

I am totally into reading these days. I am mostly reading up পরশুরাম (রাজ্ শেখর বসু ) - a satirical writer whose wonderful sense of humor poised with a very scientific thinking, makes his work an absolute treat to read. Yes, unfortunately, both keyboard and French has taken a back seat, but well, I am at least learning too drive. Which is the primary reason I do feel encouraged to look for a job, because you see, I wouldn't be able to maintain a car after all with this meager and uncertain an earning (what if banks cut down on interest rates all of a sudden?) Well, not that I am very confident about driving, but I have learnt the basics, and I have become friends with my driving teacher, who is a very simple elderly fellow, very nice and he's so confident about teaching me properly. That was the reason I wanted to come here and learn driving, frankly speaking I never could imagine myself interacting with someone in Bangalore, and showing him my vulnerability. Well, thankfully Bangalore is a distant nightmare nowadays.

Well, though I don't want to make my blog a place for settling personal scores, I can't help confessing few things. Like, way I chose not to wish my once upon a time great friend on her birthday. Because you see, she has entirely lost all her entitlement towards my friendship. She has abused our friendship. I miss the good times spent with her, but when the very foundation of our camaraderie was on the basis of her presumption that I am supposed to be her puppy dog, how could I have acted in any other, more lenient way?

The next confession, again, is about friends in general, and me and my stupidity in particular. I trust people so easily. I have written here earlier about this disgusting person whom I used to date once upon a time (some 10 years back). However this guy broke up with me on some flimsy ground, severed all ties, got married, and then all of a sudden comes back to me. I being the lonely me, accepted him as a friend, only to learn after a while that he is still in love with me. That was the time I decided I won't ever again speak to him. But then, on and off, he used to send sms's. Once in a while I'd reply back (you see, for a girl like me, who receives absolutely no communication from her friends, it is difficult to ignore some sign of care). Frankly, I am unsocial by nature, but even I was surprised with the way my so called friends behaved with me. Hardly anybody called, hardly anybody cared. Oh, life is such a busy, all consuming affair these days, who has time for others. And then, when have I helped anyone in need that I'd expect the same. Forget it, but I can tell at least a few anecdotes when I have cared and showed concern, and tried to help. But even those people didn't care to find out how I am spending my time. Given that, I shouldn't really expect anything from the rest. I am a friendless person, period. Well, coming back to the story, this guy became very excited when he heard I am coming back to Kolkata. He'd call me and speak for hours. And I'd treat him like the last straw for a sinking person, and do away with my self imposed boycott. And then thankfully, he didn't call for a while. When he called again last evening, it suddenly dawned on me, that even he is a lowly person, who's trying to use me and breach his wife's trust. I didn't pick up the call. He didn't call back, proving that my suspicion is correct, he does have some hidden agenda, and if he calls again, that'd become apparent to me. I am sorry for my weakness, I must write here, that if I happen to trust anybody so easily ever again, I would be the stupidest girl that ever existed on earth.

Talking about trust, these days I feel a thorough hatred for the person whom I trusted most. And am I scared of the photos on Facebook? His visibly ugly, long toothed wife won't stop posting their merry moments together (girl, I had no idea that someone can look so disgusting in a lehenga choli before I saw you donning one)...well seems like first diwali after marriage is a big thing. I still can't bring myself up to unfriend him, but trust me I don't have any intention of seeing their ugly photos together - or to be made aware of any more ugly addition to the family. I have stopped logging in to Facebook altogether to avoid them and their togetherness. As if that was not enough, my once beloved bossie and his family would also pop up once in a while in the news feed through some common friend (he at least is not my friend in Facebook). Anyways, though even those photos hurt, but they are no ugly, in fact, to be frank, balding or whatever, my bossie still is the cutest person on earth. His kid however has become like any other normal kid, no more that mirror image of him. Anyways, as I said, those photos are still tolerable and definitely not ugly. I don't care that Boo's wife looks ugly. Or for that matter his entire family looks ugly (that family photo in front of Taj was like - ohh what a contrast). What hurts is that my Boo looks ugly. What hurts more is that I have lost all my love for him. Even in the dreams, I don't seem to love him. I have kind of accepted the fact that he will flirt with other girls, he will hurt me, he will not care for me. Still he does come up in my dreams. I don't know why.

Once in a while, when it is time for self inflicted penance, I do log in to Facebook. What did you think? There is only one (or two) channel(s) of pain for me? My once upon a time best friend would eagerly join the queue - with his daughter's photos. Six years back, I'd be doting on his daughter. I remember, I had once made a folder of my favorite photos. Bossie's photo in orkut and his photo with his daughter, was part of that collection. So why does it hurt now? Because in the time that has since passed, I have lost all hope of a life for myself. It hurts when I find, everyone around has a life - only I was left alone for my stupidity. Girl wanted a love marriage, that too with a person who'd vouch to protect her from everything negative she had to face in life so far. See her condition now :) As I watch that so very familiar song from Kuchh Kuchh Hota Hai (Yeh kaisa ladka hai) I chuckle. As I watch Mera Kuchh Samaan, I tell mom, indifferently, I never watched this movie, just heard its story - I can't go further and tell from whom I had heard - instead I ask myself, why do I remember people who have forgotten me - and over that, remember everything about them, treasure each single moment spent with them.

Don't I have any dream left in life? Frankly speaking NO. Yes I draw some pleasure from an imaginary husband, who I very well know would never be. I dream that I am being difficult with him, but he is enduring me patiently, then we become friends, then we go out together, start liking each other, and then he starts making love to me...and all such stupid girlish day dreams. Then I remember my age, the setbacks I have had, the result I have seen on trusting people, and the dreams become a self mockery.

I do have a distant dream of adopting a girl child sometime in future, may be 5-10 years hence - but then, I don't know if I can acquire the courage. What can I probably give my daughter except stories of my foolishness, stories of a totally wasted life?

Happy Diwali...

Life moves on...haltingly though, and I have nothing much to write. I get a smile on my face when I am forced to reflect, indeed, 33 is a very viable die-able age. The first Diwali I am spending with mom and dad in the last 8 years - and I don't feel much ecstatic. I miss my bro - I miss my humble Diwali celebration in Bangalore, it used to be the only day when I'd clean up the small place I have in my flat where I keep the idols of Gods, do a little bit of puja and prayers, lit the diyas and burst some crackers with my bro. At least that has been the routine in the last couple of years. When Anand used to be there, we'd celebrate Diwali in a much better way. The Diwali in Singapore was also very memorable.

These days memories keep coming back. Yesterday, ছোটমামা  visited us - met him after such a long long time. I clearly remembered my childhood days, when ছোটমামা was less of a guardian and more of a protective elder brother - glimpses came back of ছোটমামা doing his morning jog in speck less white shorts and T shirt, he making egg roll in the Durga Puja stall and he telling me not to wear lipstick till I get older (I used to steal and wear mom's red lipstick when I was a kid - now that I have grown up, I have no use for loud make up anymore). Well, time changes, ছোটমামা is now a bald headed man with white beard :( - me too would grow old like him sooner than later.

Yet to put my financials in place, but I have opted for some MIS (that's Monthly Income Scheme for people who don't know or don't need to worry about these things) - which should suffice as my pocket money. But is this what life is going to be from now till the end? I wonder. I had got an invitation for Australia tour - but I backtracked thinking about the expenses - and also because I have become lazy these days - being inside the four walls of my room gives me a kind of safety and stability - which makes the outside world seem even more alien.

Midnight, the "শব্দ বাজি" noise has died down, and this is all I remember. I log on to youtube and sink in the song. Why do I love it so much?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IYbUhSxNZ0A

Happy Diwali in advance to one and all - God bless :)