I don't know after just how many days, I cried, I was able to cry. I remember the teary eyed me, who existed last October, and for about 1 year previous to that time...but afterwards, tears had dried up. There was no trouble or pain you see...everything had ended and the death blow had been struck. Only thing is, I didn't die. Ya, last time I cried was when that kid in my team had insulted me, though unintentionally. That time I had let the matter settle down, taken few days, then told him just how bad I felt, and openly said, I don't consider him a friend any more. The kid had written me a sorry mail afterwards, to which I gave an official reply. So that was that.
What triggered off the tears this time was Anitha's mail. Anitha...used to be my best friend in my previous company. It was a friendship coupled with mutual admiration, I was awestruck with this beautiful girl who is actually more well read that me and has what we call in Bengali, নিজস্বতা। It took very little time for us to become wonderfully close buddies, and then started the first ever girlish phase of my life - girl night outs, jewelry shopping, eating out, chatting, bitching - what not.
I don't blame her ever, she's always been there for me, and she's perhaps the only person on earth who showers me with lavish gifts...gifts which I'd never care to buy for myself. Expensive foreign cosmetics and jewelry, things which I might get for others (not for Ani, may be, but definitely for my mom - in fact I know the cost of the brands she gets for me, because I get the same for my mom) - but there it ends...to me, I am someone who does not deserve...
But then people do get their own lives you see...so did Ani...she got her own life, got married, went abroad, started her master's degree, made new friends....and here I was....with no change in my life...
Ya, I too got a new job, went to see a couple of new countries, but that didn't change my life. I had no new story to offer, which would be remotely entertaining to my friends. Read up my blog entries, I am sure you can't manage more than a couple...you'd groan and stop right away, saying, "My God, what a sick, cribbing girl..." you see...I am intelligent enough to know the reaction. People want to stay happy...they already have enough on their own plates, if at all they would care for sweets from others' plates, may be some spicy tit bits, but never the bitter ones...
And then Ani writes to me, saying she wants to talk. I am apprehensive, oh, I don't want to bother anybody. You see, as much as I'd pretend, the wound is still very very raw indeed. I tell myself, that I don't need to do this to myself, still I stare at the guy giving smiling poses with his wife in their honeymoon shots uploaded in FB, and wonder, God, if he is able to do this, it must be true that he actually used me without ever having loved me? And yet, like the stupid idiot that I am, I try to find whether the wide smile on his face actually has a hint of faking in it...I wonder, why, in our snap, his smile was much more livelier, yet, I don't have the courage to dig in my mobile photos and take a look at the picture, I feel I'd definitely throw up if I see that photo ever again....
You see, in such a turmoil, I can hardly reach out to a friend and tell my agony. No....it is entirely my problem that I have made a mess of my life, and why should anyone be troubled with these stories....so I write back to Ani that I will try to get online some weekend, but somehow I never manage to make it. Today, she finally reads through my pretensions, and writes back saying she's disappointed, the way I have never reached out to her in the last four months....
4 months? I didn't even realize it has been 4 months. I won't realize even if it is 4 years. Because you see, I just exist, I don't live. I am a money making machine and care taking machine for my immediate family. I have no dream or ambition left for myself. I will never be able to do another mistake in my life - lest my Boo Boo gets a scope to say once again, see it is not my mistake...she was this way before, she has again become this way.
I wrote her a long mail...explaining all these. Hope she understood. But somewhere she touched a cord...I don't know where...it causes a lot of turmoil...when you give up on someone, and then discover...the person still cares...
What triggered off the tears this time was Anitha's mail. Anitha...used to be my best friend in my previous company. It was a friendship coupled with mutual admiration, I was awestruck with this beautiful girl who is actually more well read that me and has what we call in Bengali, নিজস্বতা। It took very little time for us to become wonderfully close buddies, and then started the first ever girlish phase of my life - girl night outs, jewelry shopping, eating out, chatting, bitching - what not.
I don't blame her ever, she's always been there for me, and she's perhaps the only person on earth who showers me with lavish gifts...gifts which I'd never care to buy for myself. Expensive foreign cosmetics and jewelry, things which I might get for others (not for Ani, may be, but definitely for my mom - in fact I know the cost of the brands she gets for me, because I get the same for my mom) - but there it ends...to me, I am someone who does not deserve...
But then people do get their own lives you see...so did Ani...she got her own life, got married, went abroad, started her master's degree, made new friends....and here I was....with no change in my life...
Ya, I too got a new job, went to see a couple of new countries, but that didn't change my life. I had no new story to offer, which would be remotely entertaining to my friends. Read up my blog entries, I am sure you can't manage more than a couple...you'd groan and stop right away, saying, "My God, what a sick, cribbing girl..." you see...I am intelligent enough to know the reaction. People want to stay happy...they already have enough on their own plates, if at all they would care for sweets from others' plates, may be some spicy tit bits, but never the bitter ones...
And then Ani writes to me, saying she wants to talk. I am apprehensive, oh, I don't want to bother anybody. You see, as much as I'd pretend, the wound is still very very raw indeed. I tell myself, that I don't need to do this to myself, still I stare at the guy giving smiling poses with his wife in their honeymoon shots uploaded in FB, and wonder, God, if he is able to do this, it must be true that he actually used me without ever having loved me? And yet, like the stupid idiot that I am, I try to find whether the wide smile on his face actually has a hint of faking in it...I wonder, why, in our snap, his smile was much more livelier, yet, I don't have the courage to dig in my mobile photos and take a look at the picture, I feel I'd definitely throw up if I see that photo ever again....
You see, in such a turmoil, I can hardly reach out to a friend and tell my agony. No....it is entirely my problem that I have made a mess of my life, and why should anyone be troubled with these stories....so I write back to Ani that I will try to get online some weekend, but somehow I never manage to make it. Today, she finally reads through my pretensions, and writes back saying she's disappointed, the way I have never reached out to her in the last four months....
4 months? I didn't even realize it has been 4 months. I won't realize even if it is 4 years. Because you see, I just exist, I don't live. I am a money making machine and care taking machine for my immediate family. I have no dream or ambition left for myself. I will never be able to do another mistake in my life - lest my Boo Boo gets a scope to say once again, see it is not my mistake...she was this way before, she has again become this way.
I wrote her a long mail...explaining all these. Hope she understood. But somewhere she touched a cord...I don't know where...it causes a lot of turmoil...when you give up on someone, and then discover...the person still cares...
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