This is not for you...you are there...always there...in each moment of my life...beyond my death...but this is not meant for you...
This is meant for that particular gentleman...whom I am not able to understand...as I am not able to understand myself. And in the process of this...I am thoroughly enjoying myself...
His life...like mine...doesn't have an aim. He doesn't know what to do with his life. He doesn't enjoy what he is doing. Though if you ask him, he will probably vehemently protest.
I love observing him. My whole day goes in observing him. I have learnt to recognize his voice. He brings back memories of my 4 year old life. I was following a man like this...every moment...even then. And still I won't have enough of him. Once in a while, I would look up, and not recognize his shirt...and wonder, is this him? A while later I'd be convinced, and tell myself, thank God, I won't be that much mistaken about him. The same scene repeats...and I feel happy.
My name...Even he took the trouble to pronounce it properly. And never could do that. Yet he tried. And he too does that. Don't get confused about the repetitive pronouns. I am not allowed to make myself clear. Today I searched and removed, from the 4-5 places where I had mentioned his name in my blog. He needs to have a peaceful life. In all these days, he didn't get online, even for a moment. Doesn't seem a probable thing. There is only one explanation. You need to get rid of me. You have got rid of me.
But I have to live, isn't it? So I find solace in this person. His ways, his way of speaking, his looks. Yes this is the funniest part. I find him wonderful. In my eyes, he is Uttam Kumar reincarnated. He actually looks like Uttam (disclaimer: only in my eyes). He has a way of smiling like my dad (well I needn't put a disclaimer here...my dad, in his day...looked almost as handsome as Uttam...my mother is a lucky lady)...and I just love love love his wink while he speaks...a wink very much like the one I give...when I am in the best of my moods. And, well, may be from a strange bond that dates back from the 19th century (keep guessing on this part...and let me know), I often feel, we are alike. If our frienship is not clicking now, it will click at some point in time. Why, In the first six months...I remember when we talked...but do you?
Now coming back to the song stated above. Kebol tumi ki go emni bhabe...rangiye more paliye jabe...have been listening to all possible flavors of this song...for at least a couple of hours now. Sur, taal, protiti sabdo...hriday diye anubhab kore gaan ta shunchhi...naki dukkhi meyeder kabiguru chhara goti nei...mone pore jachhe sei prothom baar nashtoneer, malancha, sesher kabita porar anubhuti...sei Ananya aamay bolchhe...hayre sadharon meye...hayre bidhatar srishtir apobyay...ami ami dube jachhi aamar sadharonatver abishkare...ajo abishkar kore cholechhi...jeebon juddho r swapno dekha...ei duer nityo ladai...nityo probhed...tari majhe tumi ele...
I know you observe. You observed all week that I have been sad. And you tried to reach out probably. Or...this again is my dream. Reality is, it was just the casual way you speak to people. When have I been able to reach reality. I lived in my dreams. I died in my dreams. Much like Harry's history of magic teacher (Binns right?) ... he died one day in the class, while teaching, didn't even realize he had become a ghost, continued teaching :( :( even in his ghostly form. So similarly, Pupu dear Pupu...didn't even realize she's grown old, nobody loves her anymore...she continues being a kid, having infatuations, and you, lucky man, is the latest.
Some other things, which I have noticed about her recently. She's become even more critical, except you, she feels everyone is imperfect. She'd get irritated very soon. She's finding terms rhyming with you name :) unfortunately they are not very good terms...ohh did I tell you, she looked up the meaning of your name...in google. She is convinced, a day will come. A day will come...
Pupu doesn't know what's going to happen in her life. The next one month is all she can trust. She is very unstable. Once she goes back to Bangalore, I will try my best, but I don't know how much I can save her. I don't want her to be doomed. She's had enough already.
Time to end the post. I really don't know why she is so much attached to rabindrasangeet, but somehow I feel, you have brought it about. If that is so, there ought to be some good element about you. I want that to come out...please :)
baro utola aaj poraan aamar...khelate haar maanbe ki o?
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