Mon kharap kora bikel maanei megh korechhe...

Katobaar shunechhi gaan ta...tobu mon ta kharaap holei...sabar aage jeno ei gaan tai mone pare... Mon kharaap keno? Aamar desh jitechhe, aar aamar mon kharaap? Na na ta noy...(hukomukho hyangla r shure bolte gele...arre dur ta to noy...dekhchho na ki bisam chinta?) :) :) aamar paglami-r katha baad dao...mon achhe tai kharaap hoy...aajker victory celebrate korte...I decided to gift myself something. First I got a chocolate bar (very similar to the one Anand had got for me from Germany). Then I got two packet of chips. Then the realization dawned on me...that these are not permanent gifts, which I can preserve. So I finally got myself yet another pair of stockings, skin color this time. And its really looking nice on me. But...huh...why? Kakhono megh banya daka adarkar... Tum kabhi to miloge...kahin to miloge...toh poochhenge haal... Now, even I am convinced that it won't work out. So I am a bit upset. But liked the man at Bageterie Boulevard, who remembers everyday that I am fond of icecream. And I too, end up going to his counter only everyday. He's sweet. One of the rare people who appreciate my taste for icecream. Thank you burger man :) I still remember the two icecreams you had made me eat, back to back. And I still remember my share of your gulabjamoon. You won't come back...nobody else will come either. Tiyas did say life doesn't get better than this, a full perfectly decorated house to myself, such extravaganza, such style, such comfort. Just the loneliness disturbs, the way you occassionally talk with me, and the warmth and endearment, the simple words you say, bring about, makes me even more sad. For a change, can't you ever feel like...the girl must be lonely, let me take her for a walk? Oh just forgot, ami to manush noi...tai na?

About me...

It's the worst question you can face, especially in a telephonic interview. I still remember, my first interview was with some BPO company. At least 3 people took a telephonic interview and asked me to say something about myself. I distinctly remember telling the 3rd person on the phone, that it's not so easy to describe myself in a few words, and I am not habituated to give a rehearsed rendering of that thrice in a row. He was pretty upset at my outburst and readily called me for the final face to face round.

Well the inspiration behind this (writing the about me post) is...I am idle. I don't want to go out...or rather I do, but just to get fresh supply of food. Don't really think shopping is a good idea, until my further stay in this place is decided. Already I have a lot of unnecessary things, and as you know the no-wastage freak that I am, I don't want to leave anything back.

So I thought of writing the about me post, that I had planned for a long time, and that Anitha's post in Facebook influenced further.

1. I have always been a loner. Never really liked lots of friends or hanging out. There were two distinct phases in my life when things were different. My first 3 months in Mysore (2005) and my last 3 months in Singapore (2007). It was like, I didn't create a gang, the gang accepted me, in both the cases.
2. I always had a flare for music. I was never trained professionally, but always liked to sing. Everyone says I have a nice voice, but the tune part doesn't quite work out well :) I have been mostly into contemporary Hindi songs and old Bengali songs, but these days I am rediscovering Tagore.
3. I am full of contradictions, never sure of myself and always confused. A typical example would be, I hate taking my bath in the morning, and once I finally step under the shower, I don't like to come out. I like being punctual, but I always indulge myself to have more sleep. According to me I could never get married, as I was never sure if I really love the person.
4. I wrote my first poem at the age of six. Rhyme comes naturally to me. Have tried my hand at writing stories as well. The first one was a perfect melodrama...too good material for soap opera. Couldn't read it twice. There was one story I sent to a writing competition called "Nabanno" from ABP, that was good. A better one was about the conflicts of an artist mother, her engineer husband and their handicapped son, who finally dies. Very surprisingly, it was inspired by the "Autumn" picture in Windows OS, and the once beautiful Southern Avenue in Kolkata, which brought to my mind, the word "Beethipath" -> boulevard in Bengali. While writing, the emotion I have most vividly felt, is to cause pain to your characters. I perfectly understand, what it took, to have killed Sirius Black in Order of the Phoenix. I would have never been able to do that to Harry, I could have killed Dumbledore, but not Sirius. May be that was the reason I never could finish Before I forget. I could never relive the pain.
5. I am a hell of a narcissist. I guess I am full of myself. I was a kid when I created an alter ego of myself, who is supposed to be very protective about me (it was partly because, I never found protection and pampering - the way I wanted it - from anybody else). I used to write (or rather still write at times) my diary entries to that alter ego, whom I call sister (D'bhai). Actually, I am also quite selfish. But I don't mind that. At one point in time, I wanted to be good to everyone, nowadays I don't care much. I have been bad to someone because he/she has caused me discomfort first. Nothing wrong in that. I am never the first to strike.
6. I never stop myself from doing anything. I am really really open minded. Prejudice is a nonexistent term in my dictionary. (Except when point number 3 doesn't interfere)
7. I love reading. My style of reading, is, when I am into a book, I become part of the story. This started from the rapid readers we had in school. My first favorite book was Little Women. Really liked works of SaratChandra and few Tagore novels and short stories (I like discovering Tagore more through his songs than writing). Then I was swept over by Saradindu, and he still remains my favorite writer. I can identify myself most with Ulka in Bohu juger opar hote, Apala in Gandhorbee, and Laura Castellano in Doctors. As male characters, I guess I am enthralled by Howard Roark in Fountainhead and Barney Livingston in Doctors. In 2009-2010 when I was having the worst time of my life, Harry Potter Series and Twilight Series were my saviors. Like Edward Cullen too, but he doesn't seem to be a real life possibility. I am no Bella Swan, I definitely do not have her luck, though I have pretty much equivalent of her share of struggle. As you must have understood by now, stories are not just stories for me, they are live characters in my life.
8. Have started cooking pretty late in my life, and was surprised to find my talent in this area. I can cook almost anything out of any ingredient given to me and make it eatable. I never follow a recipe, not even measure of spices. Best description of my cooking would be, "spontaneous".
9. In direct contradiction to point number 1, I can be a pretty good host. I love calling people at my place, cooking for them and making them comfortable. This was probably initiated with the 17 people party at Singapore, which I shall remember all my life, but even before that, in Bangalore, me and Anand would love calling people home. The trend continues even here in Prague.
10. I am a very economic and methodical person. Till the time I can, I try to keep things organized. When it goes out of hand, I simply give up. I like keeping track of all my expenses. On the other hand, since I never say no to myself, I am pretty liberal about expenses. At times I can be a shopping freak, but that's very rare.
11. I have my own strange taste for movies. I am very particular about the movies I watch, and when I watch, I am analyzing every scene with a critic's eye. Movies hold a very special place in my heart. My all time favorite would be Bombay, Harano Sur, Titanic, and perhaps, Sleepless in Seattle. One very irritating habit I have is, if I watch a really good movie, I keep urging my friends to watch it, even though they might not be interested.
12. I like to observe. It is a hobby for me to observe people and their behavior. It is one very necessary attribute of an author, and I had seen Suchitra Bhattacharya once in book fair, doing exactly this same thing. And Miss Marple, who seems to be a perfect emulation of Agatha Christie herself, also did that. If I really don't succeed much in my career, I have the option open to become a full fledged novelist or a detective :)
13. I suffer from insecurities. Every kind, but mostly about living alone all my life, and sustenance of my career. Because of the track my life has taken over the time, everything seems temporary, and I am never too delighted about any good things that happen once in a while in my life. I am convinced that I am very ordinary, and somehow I am always trying to conceal it and prove myself to be better that what I actually am. The day when everyone discovers this fact, will be the end of me. The insecurities, the doubts and the guilty conscience about my so called wrong doings have given rise to my vertigo and fear of heights. It was not there forever, I remember climbing Gulmarg peak in Kashmir all by myself when I was an 8 year old.
14. I am a great fan of Suman. Suman is the only person who can be described as my Guru. Though I am not particularly supportive of his change of religion and his joining politics, his remarriage, his supposed telephonic threats to other celebrities, etc etc...I really don't care much. If Suman is my Guru, he needs to have some drawback like I have. I cannot idolize a perfect, picture postcard type of life. So, I was 14, when Suman's first music album (tomaake chai) was released. Even since the day when I first heard his voice, my life changed, and it got a direction. Still very much in love with Suman's songs, specially his Rabindrasangeet. Suman's voice gives me strength, his poetry gives me food for thought, and his tunes give me comfort. Apart from Suman, the other people who inspire me are, Gandhiji, Sukumar Ray and my dad.
15. I am a major foodie (well at times I am allowed to remember you and borrow your terminologies :D ). Three things that come readily to my mind, Ice cream, chocolate and chicken. I like egg sunny side up, and I don't have any confusion about that. So, despite point number 3, I am not as hopeless a case, as Julia Robert's character in The Runaway Bride. Few things about my food habit -> I like milk (it needs to have a hint of some other flavor, chocolate sauce, coffee or vanilla). I can have a dinner on sweets, pudding or ice cream only. I hate eating alone, but usually if the food is good, it compensates. I love fattening things like cheese and paneer, but when I feel like eating, I just eat, I never bother about getting fat. I love having spicy food when it rains. I need something to munch on all the time. When supply of biscuits, chocolate bars and chips get over at house, I feel very helpless. I like coffee more than I like tea, I drink tea only when I feel like remembering you. I hate it when I am hungry (you know that very well :D )
16. I am a lazy person. No explanation, no regret. I am lazy and I am ok with that. I am so lazy that I can sit idle and spend a whole day thinking, almost like I did today. In direct contrast (once again point 3 proves itself), I am tremendously ambitious. In my work, I am never over my urge to prove myself. In my personal life, it was in college, that I made a list of 10 qualities my husband should possess, and as you can see, the guy hasn't turned up yet :( In my opinion, lazy and ambitious is a royal combination :D :D
17. I have seen very few deaths in my life till now. First was at the age of 6, when my grandmother (dad's mom) passed away. Next at the age of 9, when two cousin brothers and my uncle (dad's eldest brother) were killed in an accident. And then when I was 14 or 15, my great grandmother (mom's grandma) died. Within a year or so, her son, my grandpa (mom's mother's brother) passed away. Each of these deaths had their own stories. My grandma died 1 week within her brother's death, while doing her evening puja. My uncle committed suicide because he couldn't save the two kids from the accident. My great grandma died, just on the day my mom was to visit her, and she was preparing kheer for her all night. I helped her in that, and I saw her throw away all the kheer, on getting the news. My grandpa died of a heart attack, he was a handicapped person, got run over by a train and lost both his legs, he never married and used to earn more than my dad even in his crippled state, and what surprised me most was his urge to live, he kept crying to my grandma till his last moment, asking her not to let him die. He had gifted me an umbrella, and its handle broke off on the day he died. Death seems a strange thing to me. I keep thinking about it all the time. Death, I feel is the only shade of complete black, in a life so full of hues.
18. I always have a tendency of talking to God. God seems to be my friend, perhaps my only friend. I was very religious at one point in time, now I am out of it. Disillusioned you may say, as I have finally realized that God is not a magician. However, I still have faith in Him as an entity, not a religion. He cannot dictate terms with me, but He can hold my hand.
19. My greatest fear is seeing my near and dear ones in pain. I never want that to happen. Instead I am always ready to take on their share of suffering. I don't care about suffering, I am pretty much habituated. This doesn't make me great, just makes me worry less, I have only myself to worry about.
20. I have been in and out of love, as also in friendship. Today, right now, perhaps there is no one I really care much about. I have my parents, brother, grandma, and couple of friends, whom I always want to be safe and sound, but I am not really attached to anyone. Or, the only person I am attached to, is my family that exists in my dreams, to my nonexistent husband, my child who was never born. You can think of me as a schizophrenic, but I am not. I live in my own world, but I can never bear to lose my senses. It takes complete shrugging off of your sense of responsibility to succumb to your madness, and I would never be able to do that, being the eldest girl of a family which depends on me. I accept this solitude, and I plan to move on. Life, as always, is beautiful, and has something to offer :)
And here's some quick facts which are not so obvious:
1. I love playing patience. I have a collection of 150 patience games, and I have never lost a free cell game till date.
2. I am not scared of staying alone. I have a skull in my room.
3. I love watches, ear rings, bracelets and bindis. I have an entire collection.
4. For some reason or the other, I hate Bengali men.
5. I don't follow and understand any other sports except cricket and tennis.
6. Being a Bengali, I think in English and Hindi. Mostly when I am angry, I speak in English.
7. Being a Bengali, I don't like fish much.
8. I can't be rude or harsh to people. Worst thing I have done in life is to throw things on the ground and stamp my foot, in front of my dad. Dad appreciated it saying, she was careful that things she throws don't hit me.
9. I can't tell a lie convincingly. I am pathetically honest and don't like falsehood.
10. I love animals. I feel they are almost as human as we are.
11. I am a nocturnal person, I hate getting up early.
12. I have always liked teddy bears and dolls. I have two teddy bears, Nupur and Pingpong, one tiger (Neelu) and one doll (Aparna aka Appu). In my childhood I had 3 dolls, Memburi, Tepir Maa and Kamini :S
13. I like Winnie n Tweety
14. My most materialistic ambition in life is to own a Mercedes car
15. The only skill I am proud of, is my english. My english is flawless and perfect. I keep reading it again and again.
16. At times I feel I am not really me but acting in a drama.
17. The only movie I can watch for any number of times is "A Walk in the Clouds"
18. My favorite hero is Tom Hanks, favorite heroine is Shridevi.
19. I often wonder what I'd carry with me if there is a fire. I think my most precious possession is in gmail - some photos, some chat logs. I don't need anything else to live.
20. I love it when it rains! I was born on a rainy day, and rain defines the most important moments in my life.

Aha tomaar shange praner khela...

This is not for you...you are there...always there...in each moment of my life...beyond my death...but this is not meant for you...
This is meant for that particular gentleman...whom I am not able to understand...as I am not able to understand myself. And in the process of this...I am thoroughly enjoying myself...
His life...like mine...doesn't have an aim. He doesn't know what to do with his life. He doesn't enjoy what he is doing. Though if you ask him, he will probably vehemently protest.
I love observing him. My whole day goes in observing him. I have learnt to recognize his voice. He brings back memories of my 4 year old life. I was following a man like this...every moment...even then. And still I won't have enough of him. Once in a while, I would look up, and not recognize his shirt...and wonder, is this him? A while later I'd be convinced, and tell myself, thank God, I won't be that much mistaken about him. The same scene repeats...and I feel happy.
My name...Even he took the trouble to pronounce it properly. And never could do that. Yet he tried. And he too does that. Don't get confused about the repetitive pronouns. I am not allowed to make myself clear. Today I searched and removed, from the 4-5 places where I had mentioned his name in my blog. He needs to have a peaceful life. In all these days, he didn't get online, even for a moment. Doesn't seem a probable thing. There is only one explanation. You need to get rid of me. You have got rid of me.
But I have to live, isn't it? So I find solace in this person. His ways, his way of speaking, his looks. Yes this is the funniest part. I find him wonderful. In my eyes, he is Uttam Kumar reincarnated. He actually looks like Uttam (disclaimer: only in my eyes). He has a way of smiling like my dad (well I needn't put a disclaimer here...my dad, in his day...looked almost as handsome as Uttam...my mother is a lucky lady)...and I just love love love his wink while he speaks...a wink very much like the one I give...when I am in the best of my moods. And, well, may be from a strange bond that dates back from the 19th century (keep guessing on this part...and let me know), I often feel, we are alike. If our frienship is not clicking now, it will click at some point in time. Why, In the first six months...I remember when we talked...but do you?
Now coming back to the song stated above. Kebol tumi ki go emni bhabe...rangiye more paliye jabe...have been listening to all possible flavors of this song...for at least a couple of hours now. Sur, taal, protiti sabdo...hriday diye anubhab kore gaan ta shunchhi...naki dukkhi meyeder kabiguru chhara goti nei...mone pore jachhe sei prothom baar nashtoneer, malancha, sesher kabita porar anubhuti...sei Ananya aamay bolchhe...hayre sadharon meye...hayre bidhatar srishtir apobyay...ami ami dube jachhi aamar sadharonatver abishkare...ajo abishkar kore cholechhi...jeebon juddho r swapno dekha...ei duer nityo ladai...nityo probhed...tari majhe tumi ele...
I know you observe. You observed all week that I have been sad. And you tried to reach out probably. Or...this again is my dream. Reality is, it was just the casual way you speak to people. When have I been able to reach reality. I lived in my dreams. I died in my dreams. Much like Harry's history of magic teacher (Binns right?) ... he died one day in the class, while teaching, didn't even realize he had become a ghost, continued teaching :( :( even in his ghostly form. So similarly, Pupu dear Pupu...didn't even realize she's grown old, nobody loves her anymore...she continues being a kid, having infatuations, and you, lucky man, is the latest.
Some other things, which I have noticed about her recently. She's become even more critical, except you, she feels everyone is imperfect. She'd get irritated very soon. She's finding terms rhyming with you name :) unfortunately they are not very good terms...ohh did I tell you, she looked up the meaning of your name...in google. She is convinced, a day will come. A day will come...
Pupu doesn't know what's going to happen in her life. The next one month is all she can trust. She is very unstable. Once she goes back to Bangalore, I will try my best, but I don't know how much I can save her. I don't want her to be doomed. She's had enough already.
Time to end the post. I really don't know why she is so much attached to rabindrasangeet, but somehow I feel, you have brought it about. If that is so, there ought to be some good element about you. I want that to come out...please :)
baro utola aaj poraan aamar...khelate haar maanbe ki o?

Aamader Pupu Rani - the green vegetable mix :)

Aamader Pupu Rani, khali preme pore,
Bachhor Bachhor tare e rog ta dhore...
Keno se je preme pore keu taha janena...
Preme na porle pore tar bhalo lagena :(
Preme pora baro bhalo, jeeboner akashe..
sabi je golaapi lage...ramdhanu prokashe.
Eshabi shuru r dike...dheere prem buro hoy...
Patrera kete pore ba tader biye hoy :(
Pupu rani aamader haar maana meye noy,
Bojhe na go ke ba bhalo, kar sudhu abhinoy.
Tao nei apsosh aabar se pore preme...
Apekkha kore thake kabe ashe megh neme.
Pupu rani buri holo...biye tar holo na...
Tao se je baalika...jeebon ta bojhena...
Golgal, paglate, farsha ba rogate...
Caustic, jore khay, kyabla ba bokate...
Keu ba trespasser...jordar bokhate...
Tabu prem jege jaye...shuru kore bhogate...
Nijeke dichhe se je jordaar ki awaaj...
Pupu rani pare preme...Deepa-r mathay baaj.
Bhabchho kabita khani likhchhi keno je aaj...
Koronako phyach phyach...karoge nijer kaaj :@