Being death conscious...

মৃত্যু চেতনা ? May be... it has been there in my thoughts lately...

I feel an agonizing void at the death of Rituparno Ghosh. It is like a silent moan which burns your insides, yet you somehow can't bring it out. I feel it is a personal loss. I can't quite explain. I am not a normal girl, because I don't have a normal life. The little joy I have in my life is credited to my pseudo world...my world of revelations, in the movies I watch, in the stories and articles I read, in the music I listen to, in the faces I observe in a packed bus, in my thinking, in my realizations. And people who are talented enough to be able to nurture that pseudo life and as a result keep me alive (because my entertainments won't come cheap), are going away from me. I am scared of this fact.

I am seeing too many deaths, just too many deaths lately. As I was returning home today, I was almost silently praying to God, let nothing happen to Suman - even if he doesn't write another line of song in his life, if he is just alive, I will continue to feel secured, with the feeling that there is some sane mind in some corner of my beloved city, who taught me to be brave and vulnerable at the same time, lonely and unified with the world in the same breath (these are by the way, Rituparno's own words, describing the essence of his film making), even though it does not reflect in his work anymore. I was desperately telling my mother, at least Suman and Shirshendu, let nothing happen to them, they are like the last two pillars of my typical Bengali upbringing.

I have felt so so blessed that in my generation, I happened to find someone who is so well read, who knows and assimilates Tagore and serves his work on a palate to us lesser beings, I felt almost scared for the next generation who would not have a guiding star like Rituparno. As I have always mentioned, I don't know what fascinates me more, his film sense or his music sense. That he was born as a man and had a girl's heart perhaps contributed to this immense understanding of human nature, which in itself is (was) his unique talent.

Yes he is a past tense now. I don't understand, here I am confused about sustenance, here sustenance is such an ever elusive thing? Tonight you go to sleep and tomorrow you don't wake up? All your mettle and dreams vanish in a wink? I don't quite perceive it. Last year this time, my Pishi was there, last to last year, my Mashi was there, and now they are simply not present? Some months back, Yash Chopra was making Jab Tak Hai Jaan, and then he simply dies? That interview, which they showed on TV after Sunil passed away, between him and Rituparno, a pure Bengali intellectual adda, now both the participants are no more? Their age difference of nearly 30 years doesn't matter, why, people die at all ages, from 1 day to 100 years. And here I am, doing nothing worthwhile in life, yet I have to live so long I can, and to live, I have to adapt? And then one night, when I go to sleep, with happy thoughts, that I have probably adapted well, I have accustomed myself to the society's preferred ways, then God decides to break the utopia and end my life? Just like that?

I read somewhere about signs God shows, when your end is nearing. Signs are almost always in the form of suffering. So, every time I suffer, and finally don't succumb, but emerge victorious, does that mean I have kicked away death? No it doesn't, death is always there, lingering, enshrouded in mystery. And it means that it all ends in a supernatural whim? I don't understand death. Suicide I understand, it takes a lot of bravery to end your dreams and finally decide to quit. It is like giving up or retiring from a fight. But imagine a fight whose end point you don't know. No rules, no time bound parameters, imagine, the end comes and you just have to obey that end and you have to keep fighting all the while that it chooses not to come up? Think of a human being, who indulges in all kinds of circus (what else do I call this ensemble of goodness and crookedness, mockery and jealousy, stabbing and forgiving that we do everyday, sometimes willingly, sometimes unwillingly, just in order to survive), why? To live...and "living" is not in his hands. A freaking car accident, to a sudden cardiac arrest to a long and painful cancer (all of which the hopeful species that we are, we believe of either not happening to us, "it only happens to others" or sing the ever encouraging "we shall overcome" in the rare times when the truth hits in an unavoidable way) - is awaiting us and is driven totally by an inexplicable term called "probability" - which has a definition in mathematics but none in real life. And in the mean time we research on stem cells to sustain life, and if we'd go by Robin Cook's novel, the researcher trying to give human beings longevity dies in a laboratory accident. It is as unpredictable and ironical as that. Lucky are those who get to live a complete life and say, oh, I have had it all, now I can die in peace. Wish death had that kind of glory - to be embraced without jolting the natural motion of life. We are so oblivious in our self centered inertia of life, aren't we? And would it be the same world if we were otherwise? What kind of a world would it be with us fearing death all the time? Not fearing death is something I can understand and obviously, gleefully accept and support, but do we even perceive death properly? That is what worries me...

Ring-a-ring-o'-roses

Well as I have been saying so even in social media, I simply love Aashiqui 2 songs. So after two days of non stop work (had never worked so much in life man), when finally work was getting over (it gives you such a happy feeling), I finally decided to relax a bit. On came Times of India, Facebook and Aashiqui 2 songs. All these went on for a while, and then I realized that I am very very sleepy. I did retire to my room (from you know - my sea facing hall adorned with wonderfully comfortable sofas ;) ), but then Aashiqui 2 songs would not leave me. So I listened to them for some more time on my mobile, and then they parallely started - the Agneepath song (yeh lamhe kahaan tthe mere) and tears streaming down my eyes. All stupid insignificant thoughts started coming to my mind - including Boo's stupid poems:

Cab will come at 6:30,
Flight is at 9:30,
You are dirty...

Just for the sake of rhyming as you can well understand, I become dirty it seems. And then early morning gentleman wakes me up and tells me stories about only lady chirping all the while to another lady in the morning flight - about "Abhishek" who's supposedly the hubby, and not letting him sleep, and then on landing in Bangalore airport, he going and telling the listener lady "tell your friend that if she talks so much Abhishek will run away". I remembered our good time together and cried. Kept crying and then slept off. Usual story, no?

Forget all that, there is important news. I got a diamond ring for myself. And it is a beautiful diamond ring too, with D inscribed on both sides flanked with a heart on each side (four hearts and two Ds altogether).

Well onsite life is usual, lavish living, cornflakes and milk with chocolate sauce, and a hell lot of work. Life moves on, though with a lot of uncertainty. Flip side of being confused is the rather proud feeling, that you are free to do whatever you want with your life. Who gets so much freedom in life, tell me? 9th country visited, I am all set to return to Bangalore once again. Happily shopped and spent all my onsite money, have got a "Laila" perfume for myself as well - the crazy me :( - so the best comment I received was, may be you'd get a Majnu finally, now that you have a Laila perfume with you. Writing Majnu is tricky man, it is my boss's name jumbled up - and poor person is married with two kids and is the only reason I do not get to resign :( :(

Ok so here goes my diamond ring - nice, na?

The everyday drama that life is...

Ok...with all my enthusiasm, I want to write, I want to write...and then I stop. What to write and how to start?

May be with the fact that I have a big fat ego? I remember when, even during my stint in my last company, I contemplated resignation much before I actually resigned. And in this company, I don't know just how long it has been that the contemplation has been going on....mostly even before I joined. And ya one time, I did resign in reality, but it was, as you all know, a very short lived affair which was withdrawn in 5 odd days. As the reviews of Ashiqui 2 keeps telling me, love is the greatest addiction, that destroys you finally.

Well no more then...this time I shall let the story end. At least I thought so when I had finally, after a small consultation with my parents (my parents who never say no to any of my whims - I don't know if anyone else on earth have more supportive parents than me), sent the two line mail on Friday 10:40 PM.

There are many ways to write a story, and I used to be an artist once in more than one way (I painted, I wrote poetry and prose and I sang and often danced too, and I recited well). But now, I simply chose to state the facts. For I know I must write today, a lot many emotions and untold words are pent up within, which need to vent out - I will do it the simplest possible way, I shall pour them out without decoration.

It was the usual crap that's associated with the appraisal season. I don't blame my boss ever, he is a most excellent and extraordinary human being, the near perfect person you could ever have as a boss. But the appraisal process itself is such a crappy thing (and remember I am saying this for once in my full potential as a MBA in HR) that lesser human beings cannot always play up to the "greatness" and "sanctity" of its ways. So, he happened to be forced to decrease my rating from the topmost to the second topmost (which I anyways deserve as I haven't really been able to give my 100% in the last few months - in fact I am more than grateful that the organization has been bearing with my 100 personal issues with a real big heart) - and to justify the same he gave a crappier logic. But with weak hearts that is a big risk you run, you don't know which blow might turn out to be a terminal one.

Well the resignation letter was brief.

Hi M,

I'd like to resign from my current position in "". Please let me know my release date.

Regards,
D

No thanks and good byes n crap, and ya, HR team was looped in. Saturday and Sunday followed in misery and happiness. Misery about finally having destroyed my career. Happiness at having broken the last barrier between me and my only wish - to be with my loving parents. This is the only thing left in my power to do. I can't get a husband for myself, I couldn't make my relationships work. I need love, and the only love I am assuredly going to get is from my parents till the time God lets them be with me, which I really hope would be a long time. I want to be happy with them. Don't get me wrong, my brother loves me a lot, but it is nothing compared to how much my parents love me.

With all my apprehensions, I ventured out to office. Doubts were manifold. A colleague and a good friend in office was asked to go immediately, in two days time, as soon as he resigned last Wednesday. I was wondering if I would be bidden adieu as unceremoniously and somewhat insultingly. And then the regular autowallah chik chik was on - if I hate any particular community in Bangalore, it is this. Good autowallahs please don't take offence, fact remains that albeit you exist, you are completely outweighed by the bad ones. In a civilized lawful city, public transport folks should be polite and courteous, and not rude and ruffian, way most of them are. Then, the heat this time is really getting on my nerves. Bangalore is not a place you can equate with so much heat, and then the last two summers were mostly spent in Europe. So I feel all the more miserable coping up with the crazy temperatures here. And then the monster is always there. Monday, I went upstairs for some work (incidentally with the same colleague who resigned two days later) and discovered that the monster has shifted upstairs. I purposely put on a shade too bright of joviality. Laughing and chirping,  and being the perfect professional, I went on to show just how happy I am with work in particular and life in general. And then I'd occasionally glance at his desk. Wait, is that a story book he's reading? A small book is open all the time beside him. Then with acute convulsion I realize, crap crap crap, it is the diary. The great diary that was a birthday gift from me to him. And then, would you believe it to be humanly possible? I actually feel grateful to the monster that he hasn't thrown it away and is still using it. Oh God, what a strange creature you have made in my form and name.

Ok, we are deviating. So, what happened on Monday. Nothing, it was a super flop show. My boss literally knows how to put out the venom - in fact later in the night my dad was telling me how good an administrator he must be. Well he just refused to accept my resignation. I however, insisted and haven't yet withdrawn it, I told him he can't hold me back more than the stipulated notice period (which is 2 months). He politely said, line manager has the sole discretion about releasing a resource. He firmly said, he's like my big brother and knows I can't live without work - so now the contract goes that I need to show him another offer letter, in order to be eligible for a release. Ya, hilarious as it might sound, the matter was left at that. And I am supposedly travelling to the middle east this weekend. Let us revisit the resignation bit once I return.

Then came Tuesday, the great Boo Boo's birthday. Oh how I wished to liberate him from the ghost bondage of my presence, but that was not to be. I kept wake for long on Monday night, ushered in his birthday with the same warm feeling of love as I always do, humming happy birthday, and even taking a peek at our photo. But that was all I could do. When in the morning I saw him, in my once upon a time favorite blue shirt, happily taking in wishes from his friends and phone callers, I stopped in my track and wanted to do an about turn, but somehow gathered myself and passed him with a frown. All I could comment to M was - it is my Boo Boo's birthday, and I can't wish him aloud, why is life so unfair? She just calmly replied, he is not "your" Boo Boo. That's true anyways. But still I had promised to give M a treat, as it is (not my) Boo Boo's birthday anyways. So, we happened to venture out to ZeroG, which is a pub anyways...may be with plans of gulping down a beer or two, and found ourselves lost in the multi-storeyed building. It was supposedly on the topmost floor, and all lifts we'd get in would go till the 9th floor, which looked like office space. So finally we did get down on the 9th floor and asked the security there. He very confidently informs us, ZeroG is on the 10th floor and you need to go there from zero (i.e ground floor) by stairs. Now, I have been to ZeroG during a project party in my last company, which was some 3 years back. I doubtfully said, zero se 10th sidiyon se kaise ja sakte hain bhaiya, zaroor lift hai koi....and he gathers that we are perfect nitwits. He ushers us back to the lift, said, zero jao aap dono...then he considers...zero pata hai? waits for a moment or two, and concludes...nahi pata hai...and he himself presses zero on the panel and leaves. We look at each other with shocked expression as the lift takes us to the ground floor for a 4th time....did a petty security guy just accused us of being illiterates??? Finally another little more helpful person takes us to the shady kinda ZeroG lift hidden in a corner, which I immediately recognize. But the story doesn't end there. We reach the place and find it empty. After a while a solitary person walks over and informs us that it opens at 3:30. Then probably he takes pity on us and says, "do you want lunch? I can serve lunch, but there is no drink available, bartender comes at 3:30." We happily agree, have a rather expensive but nice lunch in a place which we have all to ourselves, and which gives us a rooftop view of the heart of the city. Who says girls don't do adventures.

Wish Boo's birthday would have been over with these happy thoughts. But no, I have to come home and log on to FB and see new photos glaring at me, this time from Mangalore. Mangalore, which supposedly has a beach, where I had wanted to go with him. And I don't even have guts enough to delete him from my friend list, way his "lady love" has (well I was for once so so happy that she has done that). So I have to take such stuff in as long as I live, because picture perfect as FB's logic is, it does know I am interested in K's world and his news would anyways come up on the top. And then I happily contemplate the news...news of K being unmasked.

Had it not been for my resignation the matter would have never come out. M the desperate calls up my boss in the weekend to discuss how to retain me. And says something like "M, I wanted to tell you something else too about D, but I will confirm once from her and then tell". And the knowledgeable boss blurts out, "About K? I already know - and do you know, she is not the first girl he's done this with - he has this habit of going around with girls and dumping them - I wonder why D took him so seriously".

So well, the boss knows, and if the boss knows, half or more than half the office knows too. Strangely, I didn't feel embarrassed. For crying out loud, why should I when I am not the wrongdoer? I felt rather smug at how the K hates being exposed (when his gmail account was hacked he supposedly felt naked)...and everyone knows his true self. Ha ha, with every photo he uploads, his nakedness becomes even more prominent. People wonder how terribly two faced and shameless he is. But then full of glee, I stop and think. Really, is my Boo so bad? I want to scream out to the world a big NO. But then, the facts prove otherwise. The Boo I loved and still love, was good - he's died...so I sigh and give up on him for one more time.

Watched Ashiqui 2 today. And did a hell lotta shopping. Love this single life. Tum hi ho was really nice - the movie didn't repel me as I thought - watching a love story would at this stage (when Anand left me, I really hated watching Ajab Prem Ki Gajab Kahaani soon afterwards)...well this was rather an Indianized version of "The Silver Lining Play Book" - with a sad ending, but I did cry once or twice at the sheer dedication of the girl. Well, her guy died, so kinda spared her from photos posted on FB with arms round another girl, but then he left her too. Like her, I too have shouted out calling him a coward...and then have moved on with life. Just that I don't have the liberty to attach my name with his...but can you ever forget true love?

Ok so after all these drama, life still moves on. If someone has made to the end of this article, thanks for being hooked in. Means a lot that you read my story :)