The Strange Happenings

I wonder often, how the urge comes at the same time for both of us. And then I wonder why it comes. We're too distant souls not even bound remotely through our profession, and of course neither through emotion. Then why is it that it is not even 1 week that we can bear to stay away from each other. Don't get me wrong when I say that I have never initiated a conversation with him ever since I got to know about his engagement. Did I have any other choice? But it has been always him...ever since then. He can hardly hold back maximum for two weeks. Then he'd ping me. And once he called, he actually did. I couldn't believe...that was one pleasant shock of my life. To see his incoming call and hear the ringtone specially set for him, ringing at 10:30 in the night. Something I had not even dreamt would happen in my life again. Wanted to ask God, O God why? but we talked like old friends who love each other deeply. But the curious thing was that there was not even a word about the upcoming marriage, whence that should be the primary topic of discussion between two friends. That usually is, when his friends talk to him. Instead we talked about books I have been reading, and when he'd come to Bangalore. The very first thing he said was, you don't remember me, so I only decided to remember you.

That was the first time I had felt the urge inside myself, earlier in the day. To break all self imposed barriers and talk with him. I couldn't hold myself back...but had to. And he called. Similarly the first thing I wanted was to talk with him, after I reached office this Thursday. And he pinged in the afternoon. Just 4 sentences in which 3 were from me. The last 3. He just initiated the conversation and never bothered to reply back. I could understand well why he did it. Just to let me know that he had read my tagline.

I happen to like this darkness… A weak candle glowing endlessWhy should you care….. ‘Cause I dream? Or I still dare?

This was a poem I had told him about, in the days when we used to talk with each other without a reason. Imagine a manager and a reasource making fun about the appraisal. Oh dear, I want to ask you for once, have you ever felt like screaming aloud? Felt that coldness like death in your body? When everything is over, why is it that I keep feeling that you understand my agony. Is there any reason why you should? And I could feel the restlessness in you when you saw this tagline. I didn't want to punish you. But I could feel you are punishing yourself. Nothing is now in your hand or in mine. I liked Sarkar Raj very much. For I felt the friendship between Shankar and Anita was like the friendship between you and me. When life brings two people together and they get to discover each other in such a way as perhaps their own blood do not know themselves, or for that matter their nearest ones. And the trails of agony that remains behind remind only of that understanding. Perhaps you were not correct in taking this decision, but situation forced you to. I also have my own shortcomings. I wonder whether its hypocrisy not to want to marry someone else for I cannot share the secrets of my life with him, and at the same time I was very much willing to marry him without telling him anything. For, what do I need to tell him. Our hearts always know beforehand what all lies in each others mind. Life imposes drama on us. I don't know why.

Leaving everything to God

I had left everything to God. I remember that day in August where almost against my heart I had fallen in love with you. I remember that day in March when I first got to hear about your engagement, and with a strange quietitude comforted myself that it can't be true. I remember the day I accompanied you on the journey to your friend's home, which was offroute my own home, and while we were seated in the bus, I, with the pretext of checking whether your watch dial is black or white, glanced at your finger and was relieved that no ring adorned it. And then you yourself told me. And then the mail came. That you had your engagement. And at night you called. To ask why I hadn't wished you.

Then, I who didn't visit a cyber cafe for 1 month after getting the news...why had I to take the net connection at home with so much haste? And why did you get online on the very first day? And why the same tagline once again darling? Well timed silence hath more eloquence than speech...whom are you torturing? Me or yourself?
In the mornings, why is it that you don't have a tagline, just the busy status. And why in the middle of the night you are online with the phrase we both had loved and discussed so much. Our friendship was a bliss, wasn't it? And everything on earth is predetermined, isn't it?

I dont know how long I shall be able to continue this madness. I dont even know why do I love you somuch. If I do injustice to ourselves, forgive me. If I am unable to conquer my desires, forgive me. May be I shall become selfish and marry someone else in order to fulfill the worldly requisites. But even then, remember something. You were the one whom I truly and selflessly loved. And loved more than God Himself. I love you, I love you more than all the love that is present on earth. You know why? Because you dont love me. :)