I watched Charulata yesterday. In the state of mind I was in, there was nothing more apt, to be watched.
Intricate, abysmal and poignant. It shows cinema can be music. It tells something else too. When it happens, it just happens. You don't have a way out.
My favorite things these days:
Movies:
----------
Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna - Scenes (I like blue), Songs (Title Track and Tum Hi Dekho Na)
Jab We Met - Aaoge Jab Tum - and the way memories fill up my mind.
Celebrities:
-----------------
Karan Johar and Shahid Kapoor, don't really know why, may be because they have a void like me?
People:
-----------------
My client manager - never thought I'd say this about anyone, but he is the most selfless and golden-hearted person I have ever met, but at the same time he is strictly professional. Love working with him.
The apple faced guy - the most brilliant person I have met in recent days. He inspires me to be good, he shows that if I am perfect in work, that itself is very self motivating - he's got me into this typical techno-functional mind set - I don't think I'd like to go into something totally technical henceforth.
K - ya he's not the perfect person, he is not natural at times, he tries to be too good with me, and that gets me angry, but still he's my best friend now, and the biggest reason why, when I say I am living in chunks, I can think about one more month probably. Love the way I open up to him and be myself, and eat his head :)
What I love about myself:
----------------------------------------
The way I am giving it a fight.
The way I love and protect my mom, and in general my entire family.
The way I have coped up with my solitude.
What I hate about myself:
----------------------------------------
Way I am becoming a miser
Way I am losing faith in people and suspecting everyone
Way I am getting pathetically snobbish, to the extent of hurting people
Way I am always lost in myself
My favorite things in general:
--------------------------------------------
Flowers
Cars
Idle time
Animals-esp Dog, Lion and Tiger
That's it for now. Feeling quite quite sleepy.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Monday, September 26, 2011
Worthless words...
You should learn from me how to live alone...
God, has a great sense of humor. I have to admit that. When you least expect, things happen in your life, that incessant prayers don't bring up.
He, the handsome he, in his impeccable dressing style, came up to me, to ask why I am eating alone...where's my partner? He was not there when I ate alone for the first time. He never noticed when my eyes used to steam up and in the full cafeteria, I had to pretend that I'm cleaning my face, and wipe my tears. And today, when it's almost time to go, and I'm totally habituated to this solitude, he comes and invites me to eat with him. Tell me whether to laugh or cry?
I told him...I am into this habit now. He told, get into good habits then. Don't I want that too? What if I can't reach out? What if I am choked before I can ask? Don't I deserve human company all the same?
The conversation didn't move much. Czech Republic has given me two people to admire, and I am strangely shy of them. In fact, the other day I was wondering, how well I get on with my client manager - and I answered myself, that this is only because I have no romantic involvement with him - never felt anything. It is strange. We have the perfect friendship (that KJo thinks doesn't exist) - we are candid, and perfectly free of formalities and emotions - we don't mind when we criticize each other and when we appreciate, there's no deliberate falsification - the relation is 100% balanced. It's a strange comfort level that exists, all the more the reason why I love working here. But let's not discuss things that are short lived.
I had told the apple faced sweetheart about my planned date of return already, today I told the other one as well. I feel tired and sleepy now. My usual reaction when good times come to end. I am very sure I don't want to go back. Way I was sure I didn't want to come here.
If at all I ever get married, I'd ask for only one thing from my husband. Stability. But just now I said we won't discuss about short lived things. What about improbable ones? :)
You know what? I feel deserted. Why was it supposed to happen to me? Only because I refused to compromise? How can I explain that I can't compromise. I feel my insides are coming out, whenever I have even attempted. I hate myself. I curse myself. One day, during the Pujas, one auto-driver took 5 Rs extra from me. I was a kid then, 14 or 15. He simply didn't return the change. When I asked for it, he said something like - how dare you ask, would it have been good if I'd have left you alone in some dark alley? I couldn't answer him back and silently left. Till date I keep scolding myself why I compromised, why I didn't protest, why I didn't slap that person. I can't - it tortures me.
If I have this kind of feeling for an unknown wrongdoer - imagine what I'd feel if my husband might do something incorrect. I being the old fashioned girl, who has always worshiped the husband in her mind. Nobody would know how torn I used to feel when I had consented for marriage with Anand in 2009. I can't compromise.
So this had to happen to me. It's not much of a change. From one zone of loneliness, I am going on to another one. Who cares if my life moves on or comes to a standstill? Suddenly remembered my new white salwar suit I had got in SG. Who cares if I have stopped worshiping, even believing in God?
God, has a great sense of humor. I have to admit that. When you least expect, things happen in your life, that incessant prayers don't bring up.
He, the handsome he, in his impeccable dressing style, came up to me, to ask why I am eating alone...where's my partner? He was not there when I ate alone for the first time. He never noticed when my eyes used to steam up and in the full cafeteria, I had to pretend that I'm cleaning my face, and wipe my tears. And today, when it's almost time to go, and I'm totally habituated to this solitude, he comes and invites me to eat with him. Tell me whether to laugh or cry?
I told him...I am into this habit now. He told, get into good habits then. Don't I want that too? What if I can't reach out? What if I am choked before I can ask? Don't I deserve human company all the same?
The conversation didn't move much. Czech Republic has given me two people to admire, and I am strangely shy of them. In fact, the other day I was wondering, how well I get on with my client manager - and I answered myself, that this is only because I have no romantic involvement with him - never felt anything. It is strange. We have the perfect friendship (that KJo thinks doesn't exist) - we are candid, and perfectly free of formalities and emotions - we don't mind when we criticize each other and when we appreciate, there's no deliberate falsification - the relation is 100% balanced. It's a strange comfort level that exists, all the more the reason why I love working here. But let's not discuss things that are short lived.
I had told the apple faced sweetheart about my planned date of return already, today I told the other one as well. I feel tired and sleepy now. My usual reaction when good times come to end. I am very sure I don't want to go back. Way I was sure I didn't want to come here.
If at all I ever get married, I'd ask for only one thing from my husband. Stability. But just now I said we won't discuss about short lived things. What about improbable ones? :)
You know what? I feel deserted. Why was it supposed to happen to me? Only because I refused to compromise? How can I explain that I can't compromise. I feel my insides are coming out, whenever I have even attempted. I hate myself. I curse myself. One day, during the Pujas, one auto-driver took 5 Rs extra from me. I was a kid then, 14 or 15. He simply didn't return the change. When I asked for it, he said something like - how dare you ask, would it have been good if I'd have left you alone in some dark alley? I couldn't answer him back and silently left. Till date I keep scolding myself why I compromised, why I didn't protest, why I didn't slap that person. I can't - it tortures me.
If I have this kind of feeling for an unknown wrongdoer - imagine what I'd feel if my husband might do something incorrect. I being the old fashioned girl, who has always worshiped the husband in her mind. Nobody would know how torn I used to feel when I had consented for marriage with Anand in 2009. I can't compromise.
So this had to happen to me. It's not much of a change. From one zone of loneliness, I am going on to another one. Who cares if my life moves on or comes to a standstill? Suddenly remembered my new white salwar suit I had got in SG. Who cares if I have stopped worshiping, even believing in God?
Sunday, September 25, 2011
My beloved time machine...
As I spend my last few days on site, in better living and climatic conditions than I can probably ever get back in India, I ponder, on what to concentrate?
Cooking was an option that came first in my mind. The anti waste campaigner that I am, and the spendthrift that I am gradually turning into, for both of these persona, this seemed to be a good choice.
Traveling was not an option that had much chance. I am lazy. And my traveling is better done when I read. The idea of discovering a country or a place in 2 days, is not my cup of tea. I love Calcutta, and haven't yet explored it fully. I don't like Bangalore, but in six years, haven't known it well. I guess I know Prague and Singapore in a much better way. Even Asansol. Because I found peace in these places. I don't say it's astrology or something, but you get to know in your mind...whether you can adapt to a place. So, though traveling was not planned, didn't want to lose the opportunity to revel for the last few times in the now familiar cobbled roads of Prague.
But the option that has finally emerged victorious, was not on the cards initially. And since, much like my dear friend K (it suddenly occurred to me that both KJo and Karthik have their names starting with K and both said this phrase), I ceremoniously declare that I too am not a saintly person - so it all began with the scandal I read in ABP. About this lady being a bit unnecessarily bold in one of her new movies. I am out of touch with Bengali Cinema. Except for an occasional treat of "Sab Charitro Kalponik" or "Noukadubi" (Rituparno's movies basically) and frankly speaking, since I was at my desperation's edge when I was leaving Bangalore this time - I was compelled to go for "Iti Mrinalini". It's like, when you are dying, you never ask for juice, what you ask for is water. Something more familiar :) I longed for a movie in my mother tongue...that was the primary reason why, in a fevered state of mind, I ran for the movie after office.
So I, the ever exploring person, tried to reason out. Who is she? Have I ever seen her? I remembered seeing her in this Jewelry ad banner, with a kind of lost dreamy look, which you can find quite often on my face. I could relate to her through that picture. Don't laugh - it's the typical - I am a princess but nobody cares for me - kinda look :D :D
Ok, having identified her, next phase in the research was - what made her act so desperate? Cinema is a visual medium, and portrayal of someone else, not self, is all fine. But above all else, I never ever forget that writing on Luna didi's table, "Good girls always go to heaven, bad girls may go anywhere". Not that I haven't been a bad girl. I have had my full share of vices. In fact to that Dr. Manjula, me and she won't be much different...but we are deviating. If we are to argue, we can even argue (Molly told me in one of our last conversations) that for some US election, some lady was contesting - who was actually a pro in this...so, in this era everything is possible.
I thought, it is not fair to give a judgment (though she's being entirely candid and doesn't care for a verdict). I decided to watch her movies. That's how I ended up watching a couple of off beat, but non Rituparno Bengali movies. Two were enough, and I could easily confess to myself, that reading about Lalon Fakir was a much better experience, I don't want to dilute it by watching the movie.
Don't get me wrong. Not that I didn't like the attempts. But my mind is tuned to a better class of cinema. I did say I liked Kalbela. But then, watching new movies - I had the distinct feeling of - effort. If there is effort in a movie, it is most likely not a good work. Movies need to be free flowing, should merge with my thinking, my life. And as for the initial reason - with the second movie I was quite wary to know further about the lady. Let her do whatever she wishes - she might boast of being a world movie fanatic, but her acting doesn't show that much depth. In all probability I think all she went for was a gossip to boost her career.
But in that state of exasperation, I wanted to watch some good movie. I started with Ray's Aranyer Din Ratri. I must have been quite angered, for I could readily see some flaws there. I had a long discussion with dad. Am I qualified enough to find fault with editing and screen play - and in some rare occasions even direction - of Ray's movies? Dad suggested, I should watch more. He didn't entirely rule out my opinions, just said that Ray must have watched more movies than me, before he came into the profession :) I solemnly replied "I have read more".
Jana Aranya was next. As per dad's advice. Before ending the conversation, he said, since you have the opportunity, watch as many good movies as possible. And my mind, even today, is in such a state, that all I want is to find solace in my mother tongue. So Ray was an only option.
Three movies in three successive evenings. Jana Aranya, Mahanagar, Kapurush. I feel I don't have time enough. I need to finish watching all the movies. In the less than two weeks that is remaining. That same restlessness I felt - to finish watching Ganer Opare. "This is something I can't do without".
But at times you have to yield. My colleague and his wife, they never seem to give up on me. Every time they'd go out, they'd ask me. Every time I'd bluntly refuse. There should be a limit to ill behavior. I couldn't let them down for today. Went out to see the Prague castle. One last time. It did come in my mind, once or twice, that I could have probably done 3 movies today. But I didn't bother. Subhaga and me, both seem to love the sun once in a while :)
Came back tired yet happy enough. First thing after checking my mails was - Mausam review. At heart, I am still a die hard romantic. Mausam led to Hum Dono, some old songs, and then - some familiar tunes from Hemanta. I have written here before, I hardly love anything more in life, than a Hemanta Lata duet. I was surprised to see, in my youtube play list, all the songs so far has Hemanta related to it somehow.
Mathe ki bindiya tu hai sanam
Naino ka kajra piya tera gham...
I sank in the tunes and started writing. Yeah, watching movies was a priority, but can't get away from these songs now. What to do? Have I ever been able to tame myself? Direct myself in one particular track?
Once again referring to KJo, he said in SG's show, "Fortunately my release is in films, not in my bedroom" - you know where my release is in? IN MY FREEDOM. So long as I have the ability to do whatever I feel like, I shouldn't have much problem in life.
I am always, the Ulka in Bishkanya. It takes a Senjit to make her submissive :) If he's not there, what to do. The time machine is a wreck. It doesn't move from the past. I hate it. Still I love stepping in, every night, to fall asleep.
It was very sunny today. But cold also. The two things don't really go hand in hand. I am fond of both. The debate was, which was more appropriate. Sunny, or cold? I voted for sunny. The couple disagreed. I chuckled and said, "Nahi kya?" It was definitely not me who spoke. I don't chuckle like that. I don't say "Nahi kya" in that style. Some things tell me, that you flow in my blood.
Today, after about half a year, I happened to put Kajal in my eyes. Perhaps that's not the reason I found myself beautiful, after a long long time. It's because, having shed the burden of having to pursue you once more, I felt your presence once again. We walked together. After a long time.
Cooking was an option that came first in my mind. The anti waste campaigner that I am, and the spendthrift that I am gradually turning into, for both of these persona, this seemed to be a good choice.
Traveling was not an option that had much chance. I am lazy. And my traveling is better done when I read. The idea of discovering a country or a place in 2 days, is not my cup of tea. I love Calcutta, and haven't yet explored it fully. I don't like Bangalore, but in six years, haven't known it well. I guess I know Prague and Singapore in a much better way. Even Asansol. Because I found peace in these places. I don't say it's astrology or something, but you get to know in your mind...whether you can adapt to a place. So, though traveling was not planned, didn't want to lose the opportunity to revel for the last few times in the now familiar cobbled roads of Prague.
But the option that has finally emerged victorious, was not on the cards initially. And since, much like my dear friend K (it suddenly occurred to me that both KJo and Karthik have their names starting with K and both said this phrase), I ceremoniously declare that I too am not a saintly person - so it all began with the scandal I read in ABP. About this lady being a bit unnecessarily bold in one of her new movies. I am out of touch with Bengali Cinema. Except for an occasional treat of "Sab Charitro Kalponik" or "Noukadubi" (Rituparno's movies basically) and frankly speaking, since I was at my desperation's edge when I was leaving Bangalore this time - I was compelled to go for "Iti Mrinalini". It's like, when you are dying, you never ask for juice, what you ask for is water. Something more familiar :) I longed for a movie in my mother tongue...that was the primary reason why, in a fevered state of mind, I ran for the movie after office.
So I, the ever exploring person, tried to reason out. Who is she? Have I ever seen her? I remembered seeing her in this Jewelry ad banner, with a kind of lost dreamy look, which you can find quite often on my face. I could relate to her through that picture. Don't laugh - it's the typical - I am a princess but nobody cares for me - kinda look :D :D
Ok, having identified her, next phase in the research was - what made her act so desperate? Cinema is a visual medium, and portrayal of someone else, not self, is all fine. But above all else, I never ever forget that writing on Luna didi's table, "Good girls always go to heaven, bad girls may go anywhere". Not that I haven't been a bad girl. I have had my full share of vices. In fact to that Dr. Manjula, me and she won't be much different...but we are deviating. If we are to argue, we can even argue (Molly told me in one of our last conversations) that for some US election, some lady was contesting - who was actually a pro in this...so, in this era everything is possible.
I thought, it is not fair to give a judgment (though she's being entirely candid and doesn't care for a verdict). I decided to watch her movies. That's how I ended up watching a couple of off beat, but non Rituparno Bengali movies. Two were enough, and I could easily confess to myself, that reading about Lalon Fakir was a much better experience, I don't want to dilute it by watching the movie.
Don't get me wrong. Not that I didn't like the attempts. But my mind is tuned to a better class of cinema. I did say I liked Kalbela. But then, watching new movies - I had the distinct feeling of - effort. If there is effort in a movie, it is most likely not a good work. Movies need to be free flowing, should merge with my thinking, my life. And as for the initial reason - with the second movie I was quite wary to know further about the lady. Let her do whatever she wishes - she might boast of being a world movie fanatic, but her acting doesn't show that much depth. In all probability I think all she went for was a gossip to boost her career.
But in that state of exasperation, I wanted to watch some good movie. I started with Ray's Aranyer Din Ratri. I must have been quite angered, for I could readily see some flaws there. I had a long discussion with dad. Am I qualified enough to find fault with editing and screen play - and in some rare occasions even direction - of Ray's movies? Dad suggested, I should watch more. He didn't entirely rule out my opinions, just said that Ray must have watched more movies than me, before he came into the profession :) I solemnly replied "I have read more".
Jana Aranya was next. As per dad's advice. Before ending the conversation, he said, since you have the opportunity, watch as many good movies as possible. And my mind, even today, is in such a state, that all I want is to find solace in my mother tongue. So Ray was an only option.
Three movies in three successive evenings. Jana Aranya, Mahanagar, Kapurush. I feel I don't have time enough. I need to finish watching all the movies. In the less than two weeks that is remaining. That same restlessness I felt - to finish watching Ganer Opare. "This is something I can't do without".
But at times you have to yield. My colleague and his wife, they never seem to give up on me. Every time they'd go out, they'd ask me. Every time I'd bluntly refuse. There should be a limit to ill behavior. I couldn't let them down for today. Went out to see the Prague castle. One last time. It did come in my mind, once or twice, that I could have probably done 3 movies today. But I didn't bother. Subhaga and me, both seem to love the sun once in a while :)
Came back tired yet happy enough. First thing after checking my mails was - Mausam review. At heart, I am still a die hard romantic. Mausam led to Hum Dono, some old songs, and then - some familiar tunes from Hemanta. I have written here before, I hardly love anything more in life, than a Hemanta Lata duet. I was surprised to see, in my youtube play list, all the songs so far has Hemanta related to it somehow.
Mathe ki bindiya tu hai sanam
Naino ka kajra piya tera gham...
I sank in the tunes and started writing. Yeah, watching movies was a priority, but can't get away from these songs now. What to do? Have I ever been able to tame myself? Direct myself in one particular track?
Once again referring to KJo, he said in SG's show, "Fortunately my release is in films, not in my bedroom" - you know where my release is in? IN MY FREEDOM. So long as I have the ability to do whatever I feel like, I shouldn't have much problem in life.
I am always, the Ulka in Bishkanya. It takes a Senjit to make her submissive :) If he's not there, what to do. The time machine is a wreck. It doesn't move from the past. I hate it. Still I love stepping in, every night, to fall asleep.
It was very sunny today. But cold also. The two things don't really go hand in hand. I am fond of both. The debate was, which was more appropriate. Sunny, or cold? I voted for sunny. The couple disagreed. I chuckled and said, "Nahi kya?" It was definitely not me who spoke. I don't chuckle like that. I don't say "Nahi kya" in that style. Some things tell me, that you flow in my blood.
Today, after about half a year, I happened to put Kajal in my eyes. Perhaps that's not the reason I found myself beautiful, after a long long time. It's because, having shed the burden of having to pursue you once more, I felt your presence once again. We walked together. After a long time.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna
It's imperative that I take a decision. So here are the decisions I have taken:
1. No, I am not going to get married.
2. No, I am not going back to his workplace. I want him to live in peace.
3. Yes, I am going to get a good home for myself, but only after ensuring the stability of my job.
4. Yes, I shall continue to be the unsocial being that I am.
5. Yes, I am going to live in chunks. Maximum I'd think about is the next one month.
6. Yes, I really want to learn driving and own a car.
1. No, I am not going to get married.
2. No, I am not going back to his workplace. I want him to live in peace.
3. Yes, I am going to get a good home for myself, but only after ensuring the stability of my job.
4. Yes, I shall continue to be the unsocial being that I am.
5. Yes, I am going to live in chunks. Maximum I'd think about is the next one month.
6. Yes, I really want to learn driving and own a car.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Mora piya mohse...bolat naahi...
Another new bend in life.
Sukhe achhe jara...sukhe thak tara...
Sukh, is something which I can't have. I don't even expect. It's indeed been a loaned life for a year. A life I was not supposed to have. Over that...Prague. Europe itself. See, I am not saying I don't deserve it. What is it now for Indians to travel abroad. No big deal. I am just saying, I don't have that luck. So even if things come to me, they don't stay back. It happens this way, and I don't feel bad about it anymore.
Just that, going back seems scary. A lot of difficult decisions need to be taken. Decisions which are synonymous to suicide. If I take - I die. If I don't take - I live the much hated zombie life once again...
Today, a strange thing happened. During our never ending conversation, Bee told me, that she has heard from some people that I am selfish. Incorrigibly selfish. What surprised me was - I didn't at all feel bad hearing this. I replied back, rather edgily, that I consider it among my qualities - my two best qualities are - 1. I am selfish and 2. I am a snob.
I am not a good girl. I know that. Just that, people who say I am not good enough - if you look into their life, you'd discover that they are even worse than me.
Preparing to go back would mean, cutting off my bonding with this blog. And anyways I have nothing more to tell. Life is as dull as - was it dish water or ditch water? :D :D
I like to run away from life. I am always awed by intelligent people. That is my only turn on. Intelligence. Brilliance. Wit. Wasn't it what Rowena Ravenclaw said? Wit beyond measure is man's greatest treasure? Today...as I was coming to office, in my mind, as Mann Mohanaa played in my ipod...I was begging to you...talk to me...
But you and your ego...defies the rules only once in a blue moon, right? He reminds me of your kiddo. First time I saw him, I used this phrase - apple cheeked. You two looked like mirror image only. He too has apple cheeks you know. His face only is like an apple. Round and fair. Since he has such a huge body, I could very well guess it's him, and you know what I did? I took the other escalator. And was walking towards the exit as slowly as possible, but still we were scheduled to meet and he greeted me :( I stuck up a conversation with an unknown Indian girl, but still we met again in the lift. And I was very very uncomfortable. I don't know how to face life. Forget this. This is just fun. Still I was running away from it. So much so that I darted out to him that I am done with my work and I am going back - when he asked about what I am doing these days. Running away from life has become my favorite sport it seems.
It comes back to me in flashes. Our rides in the MRT. It was called MRT only na? Some Mass Rapid Transit I believe. You know, I saw a house number 125 here. I tried my best to remember my house number - but failed. But I can still recite the stations from my place to your place. Tampines, Tana Merah, Bedok, Al Juneid. No I guess I forgot a few stations.
You know what? I want to shout to the world, one last word...DO NOT HOLD BACK. I ruined my life with my silence. Let me tell you sir, silence is never ever well timed. I don't know how much you remember that evening. But it's etched in my mind. Each small deliberate movement of yours. You had asked me if I'd eat something. I had nodded no. I waited to see if you'd come and sit near me. I could remember those numerous days, when we had lunch together. Together as if, we really belonged to each other. You kept waiting that day - perhaps in hope that some miracle might happen. I too did the same thing. And none of us spoke. Today, you have things to sustain a normal life. I don't. Tell me, whom do I blame, except myself?
That day too...I begged silently, and today as well...Could you never guess? Am I to believe that? Then tell me one good reason why I am facing this.
Tomorrow my life might change. If I go back early my life might change. Most of all, since no one's life can be a never ending misery, my life too is bound to change. But you know why I run away from these changes? I DON'T WANT THEM. NO. PERIOD.
I love the song. And I hate my time machine. IMG_2388 and this song is a deadly combination. I get quite quite drunk. I love this depression. I loved KJo when he said exactly this thing. For people like us, who feel love will always have its triumph, come what may - people like you are worse than dementors. Suck away the last bit of happiness.
I said to myself that day - that I'd survive another 10 years. This much is enough for me. No I can't - I am failing miserably. I don't know how I lived through these many years, since 18th March 2008. You know me. I am not a girl who rebels. Only time I tried to rebel was when I repeatedly called you on that day. Ever seen crushed faith? Its like a flower you deliberately step on. To think that I still worship you.
I want to rebel today. I have had enough of this life. This suffering. I won't do it anymore.
Sukhe achhe jara...sukhe thak tara...
Sukh, is something which I can't have. I don't even expect. It's indeed been a loaned life for a year. A life I was not supposed to have. Over that...Prague. Europe itself. See, I am not saying I don't deserve it. What is it now for Indians to travel abroad. No big deal. I am just saying, I don't have that luck. So even if things come to me, they don't stay back. It happens this way, and I don't feel bad about it anymore.
Just that, going back seems scary. A lot of difficult decisions need to be taken. Decisions which are synonymous to suicide. If I take - I die. If I don't take - I live the much hated zombie life once again...
Today, a strange thing happened. During our never ending conversation, Bee told me, that she has heard from some people that I am selfish. Incorrigibly selfish. What surprised me was - I didn't at all feel bad hearing this. I replied back, rather edgily, that I consider it among my qualities - my two best qualities are - 1. I am selfish and 2. I am a snob.
I am not a good girl. I know that. Just that, people who say I am not good enough - if you look into their life, you'd discover that they are even worse than me.
Preparing to go back would mean, cutting off my bonding with this blog. And anyways I have nothing more to tell. Life is as dull as - was it dish water or ditch water? :D :D
I like to run away from life. I am always awed by intelligent people. That is my only turn on. Intelligence. Brilliance. Wit. Wasn't it what Rowena Ravenclaw said? Wit beyond measure is man's greatest treasure? Today...as I was coming to office, in my mind, as Mann Mohanaa played in my ipod...I was begging to you...talk to me...
But you and your ego...defies the rules only once in a blue moon, right? He reminds me of your kiddo. First time I saw him, I used this phrase - apple cheeked. You two looked like mirror image only. He too has apple cheeks you know. His face only is like an apple. Round and fair. Since he has such a huge body, I could very well guess it's him, and you know what I did? I took the other escalator. And was walking towards the exit as slowly as possible, but still we were scheduled to meet and he greeted me :( I stuck up a conversation with an unknown Indian girl, but still we met again in the lift. And I was very very uncomfortable. I don't know how to face life. Forget this. This is just fun. Still I was running away from it. So much so that I darted out to him that I am done with my work and I am going back - when he asked about what I am doing these days. Running away from life has become my favorite sport it seems.
It comes back to me in flashes. Our rides in the MRT. It was called MRT only na? Some Mass Rapid Transit I believe. You know, I saw a house number 125 here. I tried my best to remember my house number - but failed. But I can still recite the stations from my place to your place. Tampines, Tana Merah, Bedok, Al Juneid. No I guess I forgot a few stations.
You know what? I want to shout to the world, one last word...DO NOT HOLD BACK. I ruined my life with my silence. Let me tell you sir, silence is never ever well timed. I don't know how much you remember that evening. But it's etched in my mind. Each small deliberate movement of yours. You had asked me if I'd eat something. I had nodded no. I waited to see if you'd come and sit near me. I could remember those numerous days, when we had lunch together. Together as if, we really belonged to each other. You kept waiting that day - perhaps in hope that some miracle might happen. I too did the same thing. And none of us spoke. Today, you have things to sustain a normal life. I don't. Tell me, whom do I blame, except myself?
That day too...I begged silently, and today as well...Could you never guess? Am I to believe that? Then tell me one good reason why I am facing this.
Tomorrow my life might change. If I go back early my life might change. Most of all, since no one's life can be a never ending misery, my life too is bound to change. But you know why I run away from these changes? I DON'T WANT THEM. NO. PERIOD.
I love the song. And I hate my time machine. IMG_2388 and this song is a deadly combination. I get quite quite drunk. I love this depression. I loved KJo when he said exactly this thing. For people like us, who feel love will always have its triumph, come what may - people like you are worse than dementors. Suck away the last bit of happiness.
I said to myself that day - that I'd survive another 10 years. This much is enough for me. No I can't - I am failing miserably. I don't know how I lived through these many years, since 18th March 2008. You know me. I am not a girl who rebels. Only time I tried to rebel was when I repeatedly called you on that day. Ever seen crushed faith? Its like a flower you deliberately step on. To think that I still worship you.
I want to rebel today. I have had enough of this life. This suffering. I won't do it anymore.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Book Fair...and the lovely Kolkata winter....
In the entire lazy weekend, at least some good things I did. The dresses were all dumped inside the cupboard, folded them all. Charged my ipod - been such a long time even used it - as it is...it got discharged. Initially, when this used to happen, I used to get scared. Will it charge up again? Will it work? I used to wonder. Because if something happens to my ipod, it'd mean the end of my last link to him. This is the blue he liked...it bears his touch...it is as precious as my memories. Only...I can't touch my memories, I can hold my ipod. So charged my ipod as well. And cleaned some long hidden virus in it. One benefit of having an office laptop and an updated McAfee with a valid license...
And I cooked prawns. Way I wanted to. Very spicy fried prawns. Had it with rice. Cleaned all the utensils. Washed all the dirty clothes. Didn't go out even for once. Read every nook and corner of TOI. Read ABP. Watched KJo on SG's new show. And I loved loved loved the way he said, he doesn't listen to western music - he is a hindi film and song person...
So am I...Even these days I am a bit distant from Bollywood also...I am celebrating my being a Bengali. Yesterday I started watching Crazy Stupid Love...trust me, after 5 min I couldn't continue anymore. I was half scared only...to try another movie. First - the movie sites are not very safe, you tend to get some or the other virus, and then, though I do admit I have watched few wonderful English movies, in general I can't relate to them.
Finally when today afternoon I had nothing better to do, somehow I came across Kalbela in youtube and started watching it. I remembered my college days, when I had read Uttaridhikar first, and then Kalbela. I haven't yet got an opportunity to read Kalpurush. Kalpurush I remember watching on television, as a kid...I am quite sure Koushik Sen did Arko's role...he was very young then (he looks quite the same even today) - and I remember how dynamic his character was. I particularly remember that feast series he had arranged, seemed such a good idea to me :) Well, though in my opinion, Samaresh Majumdar is not that great an author, but still few of his works are good. Only he could have been more hardworking in his research, and you see...an author needs to be a lot more perceptive also. I can't explain, Bani Basu's Gandhorbi has left such an everlasting impact on me, I don't see that perception in male authors. I love reading Sunil for his sheer style of storytelling and his extensive research. But who can sway the innermost core of your heart like Bani Basu or Suchitra Bhattacharya does.
But this is not about novels. This is about the movie Kalbela. Well, to begin with, I had this queer feeling that I have lost a lot in the last 6 years. May be not so much in personal life and career, as in being detached from my culture. I could never be a part of the silent cultural revolution that has happened in Bengal after 2005. People who were mere kids have become potential actors. For example Parambrata. Before watching this movie, I never even considered him to be a full fledged actor. He still has that childish confused style of acting - but way he has handled the transformation that this role demanded, way he has portrayed the old world charm that 70s backdrop demanded - is simply amazing. I have missed so many good Bengali movies that has been made in this time. Perhaps haven't even heard about some of them. Never read about new books that were published. New talents that emerged. These are things I can identify with. Can live for. And Bangalore has taken away these very things from me. No I don't want to live in Bangalore. Kolkata is calling me with arms outstretched. I know my poor city doesn't have so much of prospects. I know I'll probably end up becoming a mental patient if I go there. But still I want to go back. Won't I live for some days, in a way I want to live? Be the very Bengali girl in a very western outfit, sleeveless top and jeans, sunglasses and yet kajal and bindi, humming some familiar Rabindrasangeet. I can be myself. Be with mom and dad, who are proud of me for the girl that I am, not for the job that I do or the money that I earn. They are proud of their daughter who doesn't know how to give up. Oh I am thrilled to know what a ball of a time we'd have this Christmas. We shall get cake from Flury's once again. I'd go out with dad in the wintry days, snuggled in my old sweaters which I haven't worn for years. Calcutta winter is the most wonderfully romantic season that can be. Trust me, I was born in one. And then, book fair with dad. That'd be the ultimate thing. Just how many book fairs have I missed. This is not the life I intended to live. The life that I have lived for the last six years. And now is time to change things.
I hope I keep this in mind while taking the tough decision. It is always difficult to give up. But I am not really giving up. For the first time, I am trying not to give up.
There's no other way out. Frankly speaking, I have weighed my options. There's no point resorting to either money or meaningless dreams. They can't keep me alive, that has been proved many a times now. So, I have to take this tough decision.
And I cooked prawns. Way I wanted to. Very spicy fried prawns. Had it with rice. Cleaned all the utensils. Washed all the dirty clothes. Didn't go out even for once. Read every nook and corner of TOI. Read ABP. Watched KJo on SG's new show. And I loved loved loved the way he said, he doesn't listen to western music - he is a hindi film and song person...
So am I...Even these days I am a bit distant from Bollywood also...I am celebrating my being a Bengali. Yesterday I started watching Crazy Stupid Love...trust me, after 5 min I couldn't continue anymore. I was half scared only...to try another movie. First - the movie sites are not very safe, you tend to get some or the other virus, and then, though I do admit I have watched few wonderful English movies, in general I can't relate to them.
Finally when today afternoon I had nothing better to do, somehow I came across Kalbela in youtube and started watching it. I remembered my college days, when I had read Uttaridhikar first, and then Kalbela. I haven't yet got an opportunity to read Kalpurush. Kalpurush I remember watching on television, as a kid...I am quite sure Koushik Sen did Arko's role...he was very young then (he looks quite the same even today) - and I remember how dynamic his character was. I particularly remember that feast series he had arranged, seemed such a good idea to me :) Well, though in my opinion, Samaresh Majumdar is not that great an author, but still few of his works are good. Only he could have been more hardworking in his research, and you see...an author needs to be a lot more perceptive also. I can't explain, Bani Basu's Gandhorbi has left such an everlasting impact on me, I don't see that perception in male authors. I love reading Sunil for his sheer style of storytelling and his extensive research. But who can sway the innermost core of your heart like Bani Basu or Suchitra Bhattacharya does.
But this is not about novels. This is about the movie Kalbela. Well, to begin with, I had this queer feeling that I have lost a lot in the last 6 years. May be not so much in personal life and career, as in being detached from my culture. I could never be a part of the silent cultural revolution that has happened in Bengal after 2005. People who were mere kids have become potential actors. For example Parambrata. Before watching this movie, I never even considered him to be a full fledged actor. He still has that childish confused style of acting - but way he has handled the transformation that this role demanded, way he has portrayed the old world charm that 70s backdrop demanded - is simply amazing. I have missed so many good Bengali movies that has been made in this time. Perhaps haven't even heard about some of them. Never read about new books that were published. New talents that emerged. These are things I can identify with. Can live for. And Bangalore has taken away these very things from me. No I don't want to live in Bangalore. Kolkata is calling me with arms outstretched. I know my poor city doesn't have so much of prospects. I know I'll probably end up becoming a mental patient if I go there. But still I want to go back. Won't I live for some days, in a way I want to live? Be the very Bengali girl in a very western outfit, sleeveless top and jeans, sunglasses and yet kajal and bindi, humming some familiar Rabindrasangeet. I can be myself. Be with mom and dad, who are proud of me for the girl that I am, not for the job that I do or the money that I earn. They are proud of their daughter who doesn't know how to give up. Oh I am thrilled to know what a ball of a time we'd have this Christmas. We shall get cake from Flury's once again. I'd go out with dad in the wintry days, snuggled in my old sweaters which I haven't worn for years. Calcutta winter is the most wonderfully romantic season that can be. Trust me, I was born in one. And then, book fair with dad. That'd be the ultimate thing. Just how many book fairs have I missed. This is not the life I intended to live. The life that I have lived for the last six years. And now is time to change things.
I hope I keep this in mind while taking the tough decision. It is always difficult to give up. But I am not really giving up. For the first time, I am trying not to give up.
There's no other way out. Frankly speaking, I have weighed my options. There's no point resorting to either money or meaningless dreams. They can't keep me alive, that has been proved many a times now. So, I have to take this tough decision.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Monologues...
It seems at times as if I have entirely lost the battle...I talked so much with him that day...I didn't ask him the actual question...that I keep asking him all the time in my mind...is it ok if I give up? I don't know when again we'll talk...if at all...I should have asked...
It is far far better when I remain alone. I just can't socialize these days. It seems so artificial to be a normal human being. One evening of company brings my depravity even more to the forefront. Shows the unnaturalness of my life. What the hell did I expect? That things will be right?
It's good I didn't give away too much of my vulnerability. Every now and then I thought, let's finally tell him, why I cried so much - how I felt, why I think I felt like that. Everything, every turmoil that has happened in my mind in that short span of time. Why? Because it seemed he had put a foot forward? Wasn't I a fool to expect happiness in life? I have chosen this life myself, nobody has imposed anything on me. Then why am I getting so scared of it? Why do I look for a way out? And why the hell do I want so badly to ruin a friend's life? I am not in a position to give anyone anything. Then why do I want him not to choose his own way of life? Why am I being a hypocrite now?
Mascarpone and a good sleep - seem to be the only solution. After coming here, for a while, I had a perfect flat tummy. Now again I am bloating up :( :(
Once upon a time, I couldn't do without kajal and bindi. It's been such a long time without both. Durga Puja means a lot to me. Missing a Durga Puja, not being able to give pushpanjali means even more - for the sole reason that I have never done without it ever in my life. The Mother Goddess gives me the power to go on for another year...may be this time, it is impossible - so I was abandoned like this. This was the period, when we had grown really close. Now, as on today, I am not a religious person at all. Things that he liked in me no more exist.
I want to have my home. Decorate it with flowers. I wish I could go back in time. Roses. Flowers. I pine away. I wither. Please be happy. Don't spare it because of me. You can't help me. Please look after yourself. Be selfish. I again tell myself, I chose this life. So I am not crying. I am just feeling lonely, but I always knew it'd be like this :) As for me, when I have endured a 29th November, I can endure tomorrow with a wave of my hand :) :)
It is far far better when I remain alone. I just can't socialize these days. It seems so artificial to be a normal human being. One evening of company brings my depravity even more to the forefront. Shows the unnaturalness of my life. What the hell did I expect? That things will be right?
It's good I didn't give away too much of my vulnerability. Every now and then I thought, let's finally tell him, why I cried so much - how I felt, why I think I felt like that. Everything, every turmoil that has happened in my mind in that short span of time. Why? Because it seemed he had put a foot forward? Wasn't I a fool to expect happiness in life? I have chosen this life myself, nobody has imposed anything on me. Then why am I getting so scared of it? Why do I look for a way out? And why the hell do I want so badly to ruin a friend's life? I am not in a position to give anyone anything. Then why do I want him not to choose his own way of life? Why am I being a hypocrite now?
Mascarpone and a good sleep - seem to be the only solution. After coming here, for a while, I had a perfect flat tummy. Now again I am bloating up :( :(
Once upon a time, I couldn't do without kajal and bindi. It's been such a long time without both. Durga Puja means a lot to me. Missing a Durga Puja, not being able to give pushpanjali means even more - for the sole reason that I have never done without it ever in my life. The Mother Goddess gives me the power to go on for another year...may be this time, it is impossible - so I was abandoned like this. This was the period, when we had grown really close. Now, as on today, I am not a religious person at all. Things that he liked in me no more exist.
I want to have my home. Decorate it with flowers. I wish I could go back in time. Roses. Flowers. I pine away. I wither. Please be happy. Don't spare it because of me. You can't help me. Please look after yourself. Be selfish. I again tell myself, I chose this life. So I am not crying. I am just feeling lonely, but I always knew it'd be like this :) As for me, when I have endured a 29th November, I can endure tomorrow with a wave of my hand :) :)
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