Would this protest help?

I particularly liked the term "destructive masculinity" in The Hindu. That kind of sums it up all.

I have often written here that I am a firm believer in destiny. The girl who lost her 13 days of battle last night, had some destiny. Her ordeal was to bear the immeasurable pain (and more importantly, still keep up the willingness to live) - in order to bring her destiny to the forefront. I strong believe, it is her destiny that has awakened India. Otherwise, scary as it might sound, such kind of rapes, where the victims intestine comes out, is not rare or a first time occurrence in this glorious country of ours. I was shocked to hear about it, the first time I heard Sunitha Krishnan's speech in TED. But such incidents don't shake me up anymore.

What shook me up was the sheer helplessness. One of the many reasons I chose to stay back home and didn't travel back to Bangalore on the scheduled day, was this incident. It would sound childish to say I felt insecure. But still that remains the truth. I want to hide. Hide from this rotten society which itself knows no peace, and doesn't care to give away peace, respect and dignity to anyone.

And I decided to indulge myself. Job is not that important a thing. My well being is. I decided I won't subject myself to any mental agony till the time I am completely prepared. Small small things would trouble me for no reason. Known faces in the office. The heartless grey city of Bangalore and all its mixed memories of dust, noise and crowd. The imminent new year celebrations.

And thus started my first holiday since 2005 when I didn't have a return ticket or a plan to go back. What did I tell office? As usual, exactly what I felt. A simple, "I want to extend my leaves due to family problems". Oh, did you ask which family? My family includes my entire country, even the entire world. And nobody on earth would deny just how much problem exists currently with my family...

I would think of the tiny toddlers and lispers who died before they knew what life was like, falling prey to a maniac's whim. I would think of this girl as she had one after the other surgeries performed on her, and in between expressing that she wants to live. Live with my intestine removed? Live on intravenous fluid all my life? I get scared every time I test for my blood sugar level. In case I am found diabetic, they'd stop me from having sweets - and what is life without sweets? And here she wants to live, wants to see the criminals brought to justice, and wants people not to know what has happened to her, not to sympathize with her. She wants to live a normal life, as if nothing happened.

I used to think a strange thing during my exam days, when I was not well prepared (I can't remember one exam for which I felt I am least prepared - let alone being well prepared), or the days when mark sheets would be given to us. I used to tell myself, time will pass, after a while everything will again be normal. As I kept reading the news and reactions in the social media (I am a silent type, I can't show off or write a lot and vent out my anger - my solidarity lies in reading and shedding silent tears), I kept thinking, does she think something of this sort? Did she think on similar lines when she was being tortured, and now that she is in acute trauma, does she console herself saying this will pass? Or else, how can someone think of living, when life spells out PAIN in big bold letters?

This is what I was thinking just two days back - when she was still alive.


Give yourself a little more time...

That's what I have been telling myself since last Saturday's fiasco. Given that it has been full 5 days now, I don't know how much more time I'd need. As I have repeatedly written here, I love myself too much. I can't see myself in tears. At the same time, I don't want to give up my job, let alone that, I don't want a single day's loss of pay even. I am in no mood to look for a new job, I am not confident enough to take up some new technology at this stage of my career, and at the same time, I don't want to take advantage of my office - either the management or the colleagues, i.e. I'm not ready to sit idle and earn a salary.

And when I talk about a little more time...what is it that I mean? This has been going on for time immemorial... 

This is what I think today...she died despite her immense urge to live...the damage done was too much...

I have gained courage enough to look back at my troubles in a painless, indifferent way. Way every girl has to. Way every human being has to. You cannot deny life and live on. You have to accept, whatever life gives you. Accept and then revolt, then show bravery, then speak out, then fight. You might win the battle, you might lose. Don't let the win or the loss affect you. I am finally ready to go back. Face an employer not too interested in my services. Face myself, not too keen on working anymore. Not too keen on protesting, complaining or fighting. Face a family (an immediate family) not too supportive. Face memories and not wince (not to shout out and plead - oh don't discuss ultrasonography details with me, it reminds me of the moment I was told about the living breathing baby I couldn't save). No, I am not interested in reacting anymore. Lucky people do not realize how lucky they are. When you have suffered once, you can identify what the other victim is going through.

Yes I'd go back. And see what the world does to me, and whether I live a proper life or not. If I am indifferent, then why this dilemma? Because the world that is protesting, protests about a specific thing. They don't protest about victimization and wrongdoing in general. I have seen many guys famous for changing girlfriends like clothes, condemn the rape on Facebook in an attempt to show off. And think in their very own male chauvinistic way, oh I might have hurt a girl or two with my harmless flirting, but I have never raped anybody. I am such a great human being. The husband who probably beats his wife daily would be proud - I have never touched another girl apart from her - she should worship me. The father who denies his girl child proper education will be the self proclaimed hero - oh she'd never need to go out in the night, or do a job and face any threat of molestation. She will be safe at home till I get her married, and then let her husband deal with her. Are these people fit to be complacent? India, change your menfolks' mentality. Their thought process that so long as they don't rape, they are fit to do anything and everything with a girl in the community. NO. Girls are very delicate beings, who can tolerate labor pain but get killed a thousand times with the minutest blows that hurt their dignity. And men are very confused beings, who forget their origin, the nine months without which they wouldn't have seen the light of the day.

The corrupt BMTC bus conductors

Had a huge show down with a BMTC bus conductor today. Why on earth are they so greedy? Always on the lookout to steal money, and cheat you of your ticket? Do they have no conscience? It is a privilege to of service to the public, and they are all set to rob us. Worst thing is, not always you feel like fighting, right? I had watched Talaash, was thoughtful, a little sad, and engrossed in myself. People are in their moods at times, he could have simply handed over the ticket and left. My anger came out even more because I was in no mood to talk at that time. I blasted the person till he ran away and went to the very end of the bus. How do these guys live? Don't they feel disgusted with themselves?

And then I felt, who am I to shout? I have loved one such guy with all my faith. Perhaps it is the way of such people. To be able to sleep, with all the guilt in their mind, only because they are able to find some justification. The world, indeed, is a place for pretension. And people actually pretend to themselves as well. All the time...

November rain, all in the mind...

Once in a rare while, I do let myself get tired. Today was one such day. For God's sake, I have been fighting hard the whole month. When I came back to office on November 5th, I hardly knew how long I'd be able to survive. All I knew was my obstinate refusal to give up without trying. Oh few moments were indeed hellish, especially that long tea session in the pantry, when both of us refused to move out, and both of us refused to acknowledge each other. His laughter, my most favorite music, would be everywhere. I didn't know what he was trying to prove. Most of the times he'd stay clear of me, we bumped into each other only once, I could see this extremely defiant and cheeky look in his eyes, but I looked away and moved into the rest room. It was a distinct, "kya karloge mera, jo bigad jaoge tum", my silent "yeh na socha ttha kabhi, itne yaad aaoge tum" was helpless before him. But still, all I would think was, did I see a look of appreciation behind that veil of impertinence? Perhaps even an admiration at the way the broken girl still stands upright and still wears pink, the supposed shade of love...

Then he left. I gradually settled down. The speech and thought process had gone incoherent. There were so many instances when I was in discussion with my bosses, and was struggling for the apt word, even a close word also won't come up in my mind. I would stammer and stop midway in the sentence. I would hopelessly think, would I be any good ever?

But in my mind, I had this extreme urge to correct my mistakes. A friend, whose marriage I couldn't attend, I finally attended her housewarming ceremony, kind of to make up. Even today, a kid from my training batch pinged me and complained that I never found time to meet him when he came to Bangalore. I apologized and said, I used to be a very self-centered girl sometime back, now I am living more for myself.

Seriously I find a kind of freedom. Earlier, days would pass by in a tormented, dazed state. Will he, won't he would be my only thought and occupation. Even, once in a while when colleagues asked, so, what are weekend plans? My face would darken up...what to tell? How to tell? I don't know if he will be able to accommodate me in his busy schedule, but still I have kept my entire weekend free?

Questions still come. As usual I am still loved by the kids in the office. Di, why do you look so sady sady ever since you came back from home? Again the dilemma, what to answer, how to answer? Last year, this time my best friend had decided to kiss me, and go on kissing me till I kiss him back...and this year, same time, he has decided to hit me, and go on hitting me till I die? For he is one person who always knew, I can kiss him back, but I won't ever hit him back...No, I can't tell the story to anyone. I can't lie either. I said, I can't tell you now, perhaps I can tell it sometime, don't know when, if ever...The girl retorted...Di, I know half the story already, if you'd tell me the rest, I will also tell you something. I still maintained silence.

Silence wouldn't help at times. Standing in front of the lift I was groping for my office ID card, when I found a strip of Gelusil which we had bought, the day when I had come back from Kolkata and he came over and insisted we go out for dinner. I was dog tired from the journey, but still I complied. The strip is not even half over, and he is nowhere in my life. Then, once I got into the Hospital Canteen where we had eaten our first lunch together, the day he introduced himself to me. The place has been taken over by some other management, and the unfamiliarity made me run away from there, much to the awe of the friend who had accompanied me for lunch. Oh how could I explain, I want everything like before, else it hurts...

He has a tagline. You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. I felt blinding anger on seeing in for the first time. Lapse in morality is forgivable, a cover up isn't. I couldn't help writing to him...

You know boo boo, last year this day, this time, we were probably living our last good day together. Either, you were not living it the right way then, or you are not living it the right way now. Both cannot be true at the same time. And if any one of them is not the right way, then you haven't lived your life in the right way. No point in trying to prove otherwise. 

Either you have pretended in your whole life till now, or you are going to pretend for the rest of your life. Either ways, it is your choice. End of the day, you need to be happy, even though it is just a pretentious happiness. 

I told myself a 1000 times, I don't need to see what you turn into, after what you have done. But then, when God has created a person like you, He has also created a person like me. You remain yourself and I remain myself. Let's see at the end, how right your life turns out to be, and how wrong my life becomes. You always used to speak about that coffee meet when we are 90 years old. If that ever happens, we shall find out.

You know, I really wanted to write to you today, was remembering that Tintin movie, that ground nut festival, everything. Thanks for putting up such a wonderful status message and bringing me back to reality, at least you let me vent out my feelings.

My best friend...bestest friend...really...you proved it...

No reply. Oh why didn't I realize even after writing Justification of Insensitivity, that he doesn't feel anything. Why did I try to give life to a stone. But then, if anyone had perceived life in that stone, I had. I had seen the urge in him to live life his way, with the girl of his choice. But then he started putting conditions. He fell weak. It is not my mistake.

Every day, I would wake up from a disturbed sleep full of his dreams, and ache away to hide myself. Every day I'd tell, it is ok, we can fight it. Then for the evening, I'd plan to read, to cook, to surf the net or watch movies. Survival is such a challenge when your best friend leaves you without saying good bye.

Yet, tears had dried up. I never cried. Never in the last one month. But yes, I yearned for him. Tried to reach out to him. And at the same time, I was regaining my strength. And finally yesterday I got a chance. I had come back after a successful client presentation, and was beaming with new found confidence. The clownish guy, about whom I had written Another Hate Post, wrote me a mail, trying to patch up and invited me for lunch. He has always been the laughing stock for us. I forwarded the mail to him. He also couldn't help replying. Just a couple of lines.

ha ha.. moron of the world.. Go and have a nice food.. poor guy.. :)

At that moment, I wanted to die. I always had this wish, to die on 15th October, 2011, in his arms, with the realization that he loves me. With the realization that miracles do happen. If that could not happen, let me die knowing that he has written back to me at least once, after he abandoned me. But then, the full meaning of his conduct came crushing upon me. My best friend cannot comfort me when I am hurt, but he can join in when I am pulling someone's leg. He won't accept his weakness, but he will comfortably laugh at others. Is this the man I wanted to call my husband?

Every subsequent act of his showed me that weakness. He puts up posts on Facebook talking of courage, and taking your drawbacks in your stride, but he doesn't have guts enough to talk things out straight with a girl who loves him with her life. And as these things kept revealing, I saw my strength waning. In the evening, as a baby girl in the bus happily played with my bangles, I wanted to sink in a deep slumber. I came home and crashed on the bed. The month is over. My trial period is over. Do I chose to rest now? 

Anecdotes from the sleep deprived...

At times I wonder, just how badly I have screwed up my life.
Cut shot, 7th December 2007. Seated towards the tail of the Singapore Airlines flight, in the middle row (ever since then I have never missed doing an e check in early, to get an window seat in the side) - with an elderly Bengali couple coming from the US. They loved my name, kept telling each other, really a nice name...the man was a little fussy, actually scolded the chief steward for delay in bringing up his dinner. The lady was telling me, we are going to a marriage. Since they won't allow gold jewelry in the luggage, see, I have worn most of them. I being a patient listener as always, nodded on and listened. And then came my dinner. All other food, + a gulab jamoon. I gave it a glance, and started crying. What with the security lady throwing away most of my gift items (perfumes and all - as the rule had just come in that you can't carry these things in cabin baggage), and then that very same suitcase getting checked in (due to overweight issue) - and then, then entire day's tension, the rain swept exist from my home of 9 months, the extra charge due to overweight baggage, the last few words with bossie, everything had as if drained me. The gulab jamoon was the last nail in the coffin. I still remember how terribly lonely I felt then.

One more situation when I feel lonely is the rare, very rare occasions when I happen to chase my lovers. Like, that day towards end of February (if my memory doesn't fail me, it was 26th February), 2008. He was returning to India. Presumably to me, or so the stupid me thought. Because he had sent out his last day mail just the night before, and then forwarded it to me, asking, jyada senti to nahi hogaya? I had vented out some long pent up emotions, ending with, at times it is good to emote. I felt and knew that he is coming back to me. Still when I called him in the middle of the night, to ask if he has reached, his voice was not as pleased. Later he said, he was irritated carrying 3 bags and was looking for a cab when I called, so couldn't reply properly, but then, I should have known right then - this man doesn't love me as much as I love him.

One day, I just came out of my flat, and Andy's window was open. He was lying on the bed, curled up in the blanket (which was one of the first gifts I had given him), and singing some song. His pain took me by storm, I couldn't help myself, I rushed to his flat. As the window closed, as the curtains stretched on the glass, as that blanket covered me up, I remember silently praying to my bossie, let this not happen. I belong to you...let this not happen...

I never prayed that when Boo kissed me for the first time. I belonged to nobody anymore. I knew him for almost 10 months by that time, I had gone through every kind of emotion for him, I knew in my mind that this relationship is a gift from God. I never had any doubt about my Boo Boo. I never paid heed to the intense pain I suffered from, the absolute lack of care he showed, I just had faith in my God. This man knows all my ordeals, this man...has told me, he never kisses someone on the lips because he'd get mentally involved with the person, and this man has kissed me, loved me, cooked for me, fed me, combed my hair - he can't do injustice to me. If I see it practically, I should have never let this situation come up. For God's sake, I have been trying to dump him since January, only I was never able. Jab tak hai jaan, jab tak hai jaan, jab tak hai jaan...and he was able to do it in a moment.


me: no...not in office then  
I want to talk about a lot of things...
u know I can't hold back anything from u 
he: i want to be specific man. 
me: I have been going against myself n trying it for the past few days 
he: u want to talk as friend yes.. 
me: I want u to be natural  
n talk to me
he: ha.. that i am 
me: I can't say specific or what...  
if I talk I have to talk about our entire two years of relationship  
u know that doesn't involve only friendship  
so don't impose that condition
let us talk n be clear to each other  
it will help both of us
u shd have given me this chance earlier only
and best option was a face to face discussion
I don't know what made u so skeptical
he: sry man
me: but now...please...
he: i dont want to
me: why boo
u call me friend...ur friend is suffering...she is a nervous wreck
please...
this is all I am asking?
he: yes. i will call.. and try to help.. provided. that doesnt give me a nervous wreck

I kept waiting, and fervently praying that he calls. He never called me that night, never again in all the days to follow. I chased him a little for few days more, then I gave up. Felt very low self esteem during those few days, but still, I thought, it is only him. So I just decided to cling on. I never got to know the reason for his decision. He never cared for our relationship or our friendship. Everything ended in a moment. In a blink. I went through hell for almost a month. Why do I call it a month dammit? Truth is, however much I try to conceal, I am still suffering. I terribly suffered this evening. Having attended a friend's housewarming, and having met other old and new friends there, I had this terribly distinct sense of failure. Oh God, why don't you let me run away from society and social duties?

It all comes back to me. The crushing mishap in 2006. To start with. Then, static life. All around me life moved on. All my friends, who were in love, somehow solved their problems and got married, got babies, got houses, cars - they have something to show off. I have only failure. No, I couldn't save my baby. No, my relationships didn't work. No, I couldn't agree to arranged marriage, something I don't believe in. No, I couldn't adopt a child, because my parents were highly opposed to the idea, and then how will I bring him up? It just seems that I have a job. I know my struggles. How I have simply managed to stick on to my job, knowing always that this might be the last day. You cannot perform in your professional life, until you have a stable personal life. Period.

No, fairy tales don't happen. No, miracles don't happen. Even if they happen, they just happen to destroy you. You cling on to them, you do a big mistake. For there is nothing called everlasting love. There is nothing like, someone somewhere is made for you. Today's world is very very torturous. There is no place for a girl's stupid romantic dreams. I have lived through my near 33 years of life, just thinking, that happiness will come. It has never come. Except for some rare days, won't even add up to one full year, I am sure. Grass is always greener is just for the sake of proverbial wisdom. My achievements are a big hoax. Given the circumstances, I might not be able to sustain this job for 2 more weeks. Yes, my savings might last for a while, and then I am reduced to the very people, whom you used to show me, and tell, see...they have to fight for their survival, to earn their daily food, and you blame God for your romantic mishaps. You know what, even that will happen. And I am even prepared for that. I am prepared to lose every single friend I have, to lose even the rest 4 of the 5 people I feared to lose, and my every single penny of savings. And I won't flinch. For I'd remember the person, whom I gave my life, thinking he will not hurt me. And he killed me. All these time we kept arguing, who would kill whom. And I couldn't kill, I couldn't destroy, I couldn't make any trouble. He finished me.

Boo Boo, it doesn't hurt that you left me.
It hurts that I still love you, and I cannot understand how I could love such a wrong person?

Feeling better...

If there was a way of labeling blog posts or setting reminders, I'd have done that with this post. For I really want my husband to read it. So that he'd know and laugh - about just how much obsessed I am with my freedom.

Ahh, I indeed feel good. It has been such a tumultuous time all these 1.5 years. You get so jailed when there is something to look forward to. If I hadn't gone out with him for the first time and enjoyed that outing so so much, I'd never have lived my weekends in such a subdued way, missing that fun ever since. Will he call me? Shall we go out? Shall we laugh aloud and be merry or we'll end up quarreling? I just had apprehensions, never saw the opportunism in the person who was once a true friend.

Those few chats when both of us were very lonely and living all on our own, had they not been so endearing, I wouldn't have sought the endearment time and again from a guy who had long since turned insensitive.

Had the sparks not flown wild that October evening, I'd never gone looking for them in the person who had become frigid for a long time.

People cling to the past. One good thing happens, and people perpetuate the goodness. But it is so true that change is the only constant. I didn't know I have been changing myself. Letting go everything for this one mission of mine. Yes I am like that. Faithful, focused and positive, but I shouldn't have allowed these qualities to blind me from the obvious negativity that has been developing.

Now what? With a toddler's step I am walking back to my real life. The real life which I had ignored so much that it now is totally malnourished. And my mind is also terribly tortured. The scars are healing, but it will take time. So I read a page or two, surf a little internet, ponder on the recent books I have read, especially Atlas Shrugged. John Galt. I felt I am in love with a John Galt. Who sees only truth and nothing but the truth. And in actuality I was giving all my precious love to a mere Peter Keating.

So, another prospective Barney Livingston having proved his worthlessness, does Laura Castellano live? I guess she will. She is very weak right now, but yes, her morality is intact. That will help her heal herself. And if ever a Mr. Husband comes up, beware, do whatever, never make me too happy with your lovey dovey words, that I give up being myself and lose my freedom. I need it. Above everything else.

I miss my best friend. And the freedom he had given me. I curbed it, he didn't. If only he'd give me a last bit of freedom, in letting me be with him while he took his decision. For me, he'd always be the upright guy who wanted to throw stones at my tormentors. The guy with whom I got drunk when I told I wanted to marry him. The guy who knew just how much love he is capable of, how much love I am capable of, and what we are losing. Boo Boo you are happy today? We just lost each other. It is not scary I tell you. I feared I will die without you, see I haven't. I am already recovering steadily. Things are never that much worse, we just fear them. And we have to stand up, with our courage and give it a try. Hope you will stand up from now on, in coming stages of your life.

Ohh yes, those words from my friend still kept bothering me. But I am very sure she is wrong. This relationship is not my failure. But yes spying is not a good thing. But then, even John Galt spied once on Hank Rearden, to see what kind of person he is. I am trying to stop spying. And I am actually getting detached from Karthik and disinterested about him. He only said, everyone has a life to live. I am also going to live my life. 

An open letter...

Yes I also need time. And I also take time to open up and unwind. So I have taken a month's time.

I am not angry right now. For somehow all these incidents have given me a kind of crystal clear insight into everyone's mind. The most predominant trait on this earth is a tendency to blame, and to pass on the baton. No sir, not me. It is not my responsibility.

My so called lover (whom I never called my lover, thinking he will get disturbed if I say this before he makes up his mind) never really thought that if not 100% then 50% of the responsibility of this relationship lies with him. My friend in office, who has always always been convincing me about him at the worst of times, when I was on the verge of losing faith in him and moving on, said today,

1. It is my fault that I trusted him without reason.

2. I should have been more patient with him.

3. I shouldn't have spied on him and been too choking on him

Dear friend, if you are reading this,

1. My trust was based on my basic faith in humanity and truth. 

2. He'd have left anyways, responsibility is not initiated by patience.

3. I have never ever spied on anyone else in my life, except him and my brother. Both were too much held up with a single relationship of past and had stopped living. If intent and not action is important, then my intent was only to understand them better so that I am able to help them more. My brother, thankfully hasn't used an antidote to the poison, I unknowingly acted as the antidote to my lover. And yes, to me, action is equally important, and so I owned up to both of them. And as for choking him, yes I choked him, because he needed choking love to be able to live again. He demanded it from me, and I kept giving it. That was the antidote.

And sweetheart, if you are reading this,

1. I still call you Boo Boo. I never told you, apart from your eyes and the smell of your hair, I love your name equally as much. And I am still an idiot. I still love you.

2. I have been on the receiving end of blows for the last one month. I won't give anything back. Only thing I'd tell is, apart from me, if anyone else knows the full truth, it is you. And it is you who has decided that I should face this situation, that too alone. My friends lash out at me. Your friends come and celebrate with me as if it is my joy as well. I have to take both silently. For your sake.

And my dear God, if you are listening,

1. If this is the way you want to run your world, devoid of logic and reason, only duty and no desire, FINE. Who can deny you. Only you become a God with a 'y', not a 'Y'. Only God you are, no more my friend. Yes I am a bad girl. I am proud to be a bad girl. I don't accept your dictat.

Being a live ticking bomb...

Why this suicidal decision is what I need to explain. I was so so protected in my home. Mostly locked up inside one of the bedrooms in the first floor (my parents and grandma stay downstairs, and because of old age, they seldom climb the stairs and come upstairs)...I don't know if I was curing my wounds, at least there was no way the world would inflict more wounds on me. Yes I did check Facebook regularly, but I braced myself and prepared for the worst, every time I did it. I told him I won't be an ostrich, I'd take his blows, and I kept my word.

See I am doing this once again, because I feel I have to do this. I must do this. It is not a decision I am taking post his engagement. This is a decision I had taken, a month back, when I genuinely felt that he loves me and he needs me. I remember telling my friend and neighbor in office, very proudly, that...you keep telling you'll kill him if you get to know who he is, if I don't return to him, he'll die anyways. And so, when these  words sound like a big joke today, I am coming back to Bangalore, because this was a decision taken in good and honest faith.

Do I expect anything out of it? NO. I just need to prove what I have always tried convincing him about. You should never ever give up without giving yourself a chance to try. Right now, I am very weak, extremely vulnerable and damn scared. There is 90% chance that I will fail in the my social and professional interactions. But how can I be sure unless I try. I am going back just to try it once. To see my elasticity level up to my yielding point or breaking point (wow do I sound like I still remember school physics?)

I am just trying to practice what I preach :) Come on...I shall be me right? If you cut me into two, it is just a matter of bringing the pieces together and praying that I return to my original self. If  I don't even attempt that, I am never gonna be whole again in this lifetime.