There must be at least some one who loves a walk in the clouds as much as I do...

Well, June 7, is it? that too 2008...its 2nd Feb 2010. Long time...but I don't change with time...I am me...the evergreen...ever romantic girl. But tell me something...if I am so well read and all, how come some one still surprises me with some name of some novel....well if not novel then philosophical writing...but something which I haven't even heard? Well...over that the wiki maniac that I am...even wiki couldn't help me. Well...as it goes...I won't rest before I have read the books. But tell you something...reason I visited your profile....3 reasons...because all these days I have tried to dream this impossible dream about you...and somehow while doing that I kind of relived my school days...so today I thought..what's the harm in at least seeing how he looks and what he thinks...2nd reason...ha ha...do you remember one day we had met in the library? Even I didn't remember...but it suddenly came back to me...it seems on your saying only I got Narayan Sanyal's Biswasghatak...well there was a 3rd reason too...but don't quite remember it...but your eyes are bright...and piercing...the eyes only show how much life you have...so no point looking at you with my dead eyes...so long then....

The Strange Happenings

I wonder often, how the urge comes at the same time for both of us. And then I wonder why it comes. We're too distant souls not even bound remotely through our profession, and of course neither through emotion. Then why is it that it is not even 1 week that we can bear to stay away from each other. Don't get me wrong when I say that I have never initiated a conversation with him ever since I got to know about his engagement. Did I have any other choice? But it has been always him...ever since then. He can hardly hold back maximum for two weeks. Then he'd ping me. And once he called, he actually did. I couldn't believe...that was one pleasant shock of my life. To see his incoming call and hear the ringtone specially set for him, ringing at 10:30 in the night. Something I had not even dreamt would happen in my life again. Wanted to ask God, O God why? but we talked like old friends who love each other deeply. But the curious thing was that there was not even a word about the upcoming marriage, whence that should be the primary topic of discussion between two friends. That usually is, when his friends talk to him. Instead we talked about books I have been reading, and when he'd come to Bangalore. The very first thing he said was, you don't remember me, so I only decided to remember you.

That was the first time I had felt the urge inside myself, earlier in the day. To break all self imposed barriers and talk with him. I couldn't hold myself back...but had to. And he called. Similarly the first thing I wanted was to talk with him, after I reached office this Thursday. And he pinged in the afternoon. Just 4 sentences in which 3 were from me. The last 3. He just initiated the conversation and never bothered to reply back. I could understand well why he did it. Just to let me know that he had read my tagline.

I happen to like this darkness… A weak candle glowing endlessWhy should you care….. ‘Cause I dream? Or I still dare?

This was a poem I had told him about, in the days when we used to talk with each other without a reason. Imagine a manager and a reasource making fun about the appraisal. Oh dear, I want to ask you for once, have you ever felt like screaming aloud? Felt that coldness like death in your body? When everything is over, why is it that I keep feeling that you understand my agony. Is there any reason why you should? And I could feel the restlessness in you when you saw this tagline. I didn't want to punish you. But I could feel you are punishing yourself. Nothing is now in your hand or in mine. I liked Sarkar Raj very much. For I felt the friendship between Shankar and Anita was like the friendship between you and me. When life brings two people together and they get to discover each other in such a way as perhaps their own blood do not know themselves, or for that matter their nearest ones. And the trails of agony that remains behind remind only of that understanding. Perhaps you were not correct in taking this decision, but situation forced you to. I also have my own shortcomings. I wonder whether its hypocrisy not to want to marry someone else for I cannot share the secrets of my life with him, and at the same time I was very much willing to marry him without telling him anything. For, what do I need to tell him. Our hearts always know beforehand what all lies in each others mind. Life imposes drama on us. I don't know why.

Leaving everything to God

I had left everything to God. I remember that day in August where almost against my heart I had fallen in love with you. I remember that day in March when I first got to hear about your engagement, and with a strange quietitude comforted myself that it can't be true. I remember the day I accompanied you on the journey to your friend's home, which was offroute my own home, and while we were seated in the bus, I, with the pretext of checking whether your watch dial is black or white, glanced at your finger and was relieved that no ring adorned it. And then you yourself told me. And then the mail came. That you had your engagement. And at night you called. To ask why I hadn't wished you.

Then, I who didn't visit a cyber cafe for 1 month after getting the news...why had I to take the net connection at home with so much haste? And why did you get online on the very first day? And why the same tagline once again darling? Well timed silence hath more eloquence than speech...whom are you torturing? Me or yourself?
In the mornings, why is it that you don't have a tagline, just the busy status. And why in the middle of the night you are online with the phrase we both had loved and discussed so much. Our friendship was a bliss, wasn't it? And everything on earth is predetermined, isn't it?

I dont know how long I shall be able to continue this madness. I dont even know why do I love you somuch. If I do injustice to ourselves, forgive me. If I am unable to conquer my desires, forgive me. May be I shall become selfish and marry someone else in order to fulfill the worldly requisites. But even then, remember something. You were the one whom I truly and selflessly loved. And loved more than God Himself. I love you, I love you more than all the love that is present on earth. You know why? Because you dont love me. :)

The last few days...

The first question that comes in mind is that whether these actually are the last few days...you don't know how tremendously hopeful a girl she is...she will ruin her own life and keep hoping that everything will be fine. She is all in dreams that her prince will come to visit her in Bangalore...and she will prepare him food and sweets...and how we two would spend time together...She had even happened to dream that he will visit her on her birthday...but then that seemed a bit far fetched....so she kept herself contented with the dream that he will call me....and wish me....this girl is really the most stupid one on earth. Now that her days are numbered in this country...she doesn't cease laughing even for a while...and that day....I was laughing away....so much so that I had to hide my face...I was sitting beside him....I hid my face on his desk....and then tears started flowing...I was so scared....I hurriedly wiped them and moved to my desk....hope he didn't notice...just going through extremes of emotion...and this reminds me...what about him?

Monday I had reached office early....he didn't even smile at me....I gulped down my half smile....and then we were two professionals sitting side by side and working away....at around 12 he said something and as is his habit, turned towards me, said kyon D... and smiled. We went for lunch shortly afterwards. As we were coming out of the building he murmured that the date has come in....either 30th Nov or 7th Dec. I was very casual....and his voice was quite quite broken....it is since that day I find he shows that extra amount of concern for me....I know not why...he says things he shouldn't tell....kabhi alvidah na kehna....bholisi surat...songs only....when did he speak to me except in songs...and then he takes great care in mentioning that I should not think over what he tells, just let go....let go and let go...would anything stay back for Pupu? Then why did he call last evening? It was such a curious and apparently unnecessary call...

Happy Deepavali

I can never forget these days...for these were the rare moments which made me happy...happy as I have been never before and won't be ever after. Where from that happiness came is not something I can tell. May be because throughout my life I have never reached out for friends and here I found people who on their own accord reached out to me. How and when they touched my heart I know not...I don't even know whether I should really use plural while writing this. For in my mind I know that it is a singular person. One person whom everyone likes and I also got to like. One person for which my stable relationships became unstable, my closest friends condemned me of unfaithfulness and my little left over dream of having a normal life was shattered...and yet after all these I never complained against that person, never demanded anything from him and kept loving him even more and more. I know not what charm that person has. I know not why I toss in my bed in my sleep as I remember him. I know not why a heavenly smile comes on my lips every morning as I wake up thinking of that person. I know not why color this person has brought to my life that I keep glowing. All I know is that he brought back the things I have always loved, and lost in the course of my life, and was too morosed even to realise that I have lost my very own dear things. Like reading. Like music. Music was one thing that kept me alive. How I chirped like a bird all day, how my constant 24 hours round the clock attempt at singing would irritate everyone, even my parents. And then came a time when I didn't sing at all. I started getting headache when I listed to music. At one point of time I even wondered why people listen to music? Don't they get bored? There's a difference between doing and pretending. When I had packed my mp3 player in while coming to Singapore, I had only pretended to myself that I'd listen to a lot of songs, but actually never did. 6 months went by without music. And when it came it came as waves sweep the sea shore. I knew not what was happening. They speak of destiny. If this was not destiny then what else was. My world changed in a moment. And it was not a steady peaceful moment when it changed. I was pent up, and almost on the verge of destruction...and had it not changed then, it would have never got a chance to change.
Everything said and done...the only question remains is that what should I do now. This man has brought back my faith in God. He has given me the pleasures of life which I never imagined. He taught me the meaning of togetherness. I actually got to know that you can feel that you are being cared even when you are apparently being ignored. What have I not learnt from this man. I have seen him giving up even his most cherished things for me, yet I could never confidently interpret his love. What should I do now. And what did I do to to make you so pensive. My brown eyed prince don't be so sad, God will take care of everything.

I don't know what you say...

I really don't know your mind...and I don't trust what my mind tells me. True that I have no doubt that I love you...but I don't understand what you feel. I have asked you a number of times whether I should believe all you say...you have laughed away...do you ever feel how you make me suffer? But it is such a sweet suffering that I cannot even complain. This suffering has given me courage enough to overcome my hypocrisy, to live a lonely life...and to keep loving you...asking for nothing in return. I am grateful to you in all sort of way. You told me what love is all about...care is all about....